Коллектив авторов - Grantville Gazette 37

Late March, Jena

Phillip, Dina, and the babies, Jon and Salome, had arrived back in Jena to a hideous surprise. Phillip's mother, recently widowed-again-had turned up. And she wasn't a very nice person. Lips had tried to send a message before Phillip left Grantville, but he'd just missed him. What should have been a joyous homecoming had been ruined by Maria Elisabeth Bombast von Neuburg.

Lips heard the heavy footsteps of Phillip's mother ringing through the apartment and tried to find somewhere to hide. Maria Elisabeth was an equal opportunity critic, and everybody was a legitimate target. Except for Lori Drahuta, who was an up-timer, and thus almost a noble.

Maria Elisabeth burst into the room in all her painted glory. Dressed in age inappropriate colors and styles, and with enough white-lead on her face to sink one of the new ironclads, she was a sight to terrify even the bravest. Lips backed further into the corner he'd found when Phillip's mother burst in. She looked angry, again.

"I don't know how I'm going to hold up my head," she said as she waved a letter under Phillip's nose. "Margaretha's Friedrich, such a hard working and successful boy, is now the personal alchemist to Ulrich of Ostfriesland." She glared at Phillip. "Why can't you have a noble patron?" she demanded. "Every great man needs a great patron, but not you, Theophrastus, you don't even have a patron. You are self-employed ."

"I might be self-employed, but I am still a successful alchemist. And I am much more successful than Friedrich Weiser."

Lips nodded. That was telling her. The Great Stoner was probably the only alchemist in the world anywhere near as successful as Phillip.

"Friedrich Weiser is a graduate of Tubingen. He not only has a Baccalaureus Artium, but he also has his Magister Artium. What do you have? Nothing, that's what you have!"

"I have a doctorate," Phillip spat out.

Maria Elisabeth was not impressed. "A doctorate from some university in the United Provinces nobody has heard of does not compare with degrees from Tubingen. Why, Tubingen has Johannes Kepler and Wilhelm Schickard amongst their alumni. Who does your university have?

Lips knew the answer to that one. Nobody. The institution awarding Phillip's degree hadn't existed until 1632.

"Kepler believed in astrology."

There was outrage in Phillip's voice. His great grandfather, Paracelsus, hadn't believed in astrology, so neither did Phillip. Lips had heard him on the topic many times, which made one wonder how he felt about the use his Kirlian imagers were being put to.

"He was imperial mathematician to Emperor Rudolph II, and if he was still living, would have the king of Bohemia as his patron." Suddenly Maria slapped Phillip. It was no love tap; Phillip was knocked off balance. "You are a grave disappointment, Theophrastus. What would Grandfather think?"

Lips winced, not so much at the slap, but at the last bit of spleen Phillip's mother had vented before she stalked out. That had been a low blow. Paracelsus was Phillip's hero, to be a disappointment to Paracelsus . . . Lips hurried out to get Dina. Phillip needed serious comforting.

****

"Something has to be done about that . . ." Words failed Lips.

"Witch, bitch, cow," Lori suggested.

Lips smiled. You could always trust Lori to lighten the mood. "Take your pick, but something has to be done. She's making Phillip miserable."

"And she is upsetting Frau Kastenmayerin," Frau Mittelhausen said.

Lips hadn't noticed any conflict between Dina and Phillip's mother, but he wasn't surprised. The daughter of a poor pastor wasn't something she could boast about to her friends back in Neuburg.

"What about poison? I'm sure there are plenty of possibilities," Lori suggested.

"It's something to dream about, but it probably wouldn't work. I mean, Lead oxide is supposed to be toxic, but you've seen how much she puts on."

"That's lead oxide? I thought it was zinc oxide. Maybe she hasn't been using it for long," Lori suggested.

"Phillip says she was painting her face with white lead even before he left for the school of mines in Fugger," Lips said.

"Painting? She's putting the stuff on with a trowel by the looks of it. But you're right. If she hasn't gone down with lead poisoning after all this time, what chance is there for success with anything else?"

****

Christoph Seidel stood outside the HDG Laboratories facility at Jena and wondered just how he was supposed to persuade Dr. Gribbleflotz, the owner of the facility before him, to move to Prague to serve as King Venceslas V Adalbertus of Bohemia's personal aural investigator. Normally, such a question wouldn't arise, as the social cachet of being treated by someone so close to the king would have the rich and powerful beating a way to his door, but Dr. Gribbleflotz wasn't normal. Money alone was not going to entice him to make the move; he had more than enough of it already.

To make a poor case even worse, neither the Catholic courtiers nor the Calvinist courtiers were likely to show much enthusiasm for the king's introducing a close personal adviser of the Lutheran persuasion into the court. Again, normally that would be a minor problem, just as long as the doctor wasn't overly enthusiastic in his religion. However, Dr. Gribbleflotz had married a Lutheran pastor's daughter, and was therefore undoubtedly personally deeply religious.

****

"Run that past me again," Phillip asked his visitor. "You are asking me to move to Prague to act as the King of Bohemia's aural investigator? Why me? Surely there are plenty of aural investigators already in Prague?"

Lips was busy holding on to his chair to stop himself jumping up and down. Here was the perfect opportunity for Phillip to finally silence his harping mother. He couldn't believe the polite boredom in Phillip's expression. He should be dancing on the table and swinging from the rafters, but no, he was just sitting there listening with polite disinterest.

"But none of them are able to do color." Christoph raised a hand and snapped his fingers. One of the servants who'd accompanied him stepped forward and opened a large leather bag before stepping back. Christoph started to stack bundles of USE paper money on the table. "One month's stipend in advance." Then he started on another pile. "And enough to cover your removal expenses."

Lips had virtually no experience of handling money, and certainly no experience with the quantities the man had just placed on Phillip's desk. However, he had learned how to estimate the mass of objects based on their size and composition. Each pile looked like half a kilogram of paper, and if the rest of the bills in the piles were the same denomination as those on the top, then each bundle represented fifty thousand dollars. He licked his suddenly dry lips. Even a small part of one of those piles would be enough to buy the clothes of his dreams.

"I must consult my wife," Phillip said.

Lips wasn't the only shocked face in the room when Phillip walked out. There was a hundred thousand dollars on that desk and Phillip had completely ignored it. Well, Lips knew his job as host in Phillip's absence. "Would you like some refreshments while we await Dr. Gribbleflotz' return?"

****

"I don't understand," Lori protested. "I thought Dr. Phil didn't believe in Kirlian Image Interpretation."

Lips glanced over at Hans, who'd been sticking to the up-timer like glue. He'd jerked back, making protection from evil hand-signs. Lips settled for gently shaking his head and looking very disappointed, very much like one of his teachers when he'd failed to grasp a concept.

"Well, that's what he told me," Lori said, gesturing to Hans. "And now you're saying he's planning to drop everything he's got going here in Jena and high-tail it to Prague to be the personal aural investigator to some king. How can he do that if he doesn't believe in it?"