Terry Pratchett - The Long War

The marines began to dump more kit, unhook their body armour, take off their camouflage jackets. They sat in little huddles, talking quietly, and Nathan saw that within minutes one of them had his Travel Scrabble set out and had started a three-hand game with a couple of the guys.

Allen looked on with disgust. “You don’t bring your Stepper, McKibben. You don’t bring any goddamn drinking water. But you bring your Scrabble.”

“Got to get your priorities right, Lieutenant.”

Jack sat down at his paper-laden desk. All the furniture looked hand-made, Nathan saw, kind of rough but sturdy. Jack said, “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised to see you. The news of your triumphant progress across the worlds precedes you. But, Bill, why the hell did you bring these people to me?”

The former postman looked mischievous. “Why, who better in our little community to welcome our, umm, liberators?”

That little exchange put Lieutenant Allen on alert. Without being asked, he sat opposite Jack, and pulled a printed list of names out of his jacket pocket. “John Rodney Green, called Jack. That’s you, right?”

“What have you got there, your Christmas card list?”

“A list of signatories of your so-called Valhalla ‘Declaration of Independence’, sir, and their advisers.”

Jack just grinned. “So what are you going to do now, shoot me? Arrest me and bundle me aboard your airship?”

“We’re here to protect you, sir. Not to create trouble.”

“Thanks!”

“In fact we’re grateful to you for your assistance so far, Mr. Green,” Allen said, precisely. “And you can help us out further. Now, Ensign Fox here—” he snapped his fingers to summon Fox “—is working on a census.”

“Is he? Good for you, sonny.”

“Now we’re here I can see it’s going to take some time, what with you having this mish-mash you call a ‘county’ spread over several worlds, and so on. So if you have a spare room where Fox can bunk down—”

“I’m not having Datum troops under my roof.”

“We’re prepared to compensate you.”

Jack looked amused. “With what?”

“Well… Monetarily, obviously. I’m authorized to sign cheques, up to a limit. We carry cash.”

“What cash? Dollars, right?”

Allen said sternly, “The legal tender of this community, being in the US Aegis as it is, sir.”

Jack sighed. “But what am I going to do with dollars? You imagine I can pay Bill here in dollars for a catch of fish? What the hell is he going to do with them? You’d end up with bits of paper circling around and around this community like flies over a cowpat…”

Allen was going to snap back some angry response.

But Fox leaned forward, interested. “Then how would you want paying, sir? How does that work around here?”

“We call it favours,” Jack said.

“Favours?”

“I give you a room for a few nights. That’s a favour. Now you owe me a favour. We agree what that is before you move in, right? If it was Bill it would be so many pounds of fish. He does the favour for me, and we’re square. Or—if I don’t need any fish, then Bill can go to old Mike Doak down the street, who can shoe horses like he was raised to it, and give him the fish, thus transferring the favour he owes me to Mike, and then when my horse throws a shoe—”

“I get it.” Allen raised his hands.

Fox said, “So you don’t use paper money. But you must get outside workers coming through. Doctors, dentists—”

“We support them with favours, one way or another.”

“Specialists, like engineers to build you a dam. Something like that. There must be occasions when there’s nothing you can do for someone like that. You can only eat one meal at a time, wear one pair of trousers—”

Jack winked at Fox. “Good question. OK, we do have stashes. Gold, silver, jewellery. Even a little paper money, if you must know—we accept all this if there’s no other way for a person to pay, who’s desperate enough. We’re not monks here, enslaved to a rule book. We cheat a little. Whatever works. But basically we’re self-sufficient, locally; almost all of it is favours.”

Allen eyed him. “So you do take dollars. But you won’t take dollars from us. From members of the US armed forces.”

Jack laughed in his face. “Listen, you and your paymasters in Washington forfeited any right to help from me and my community when you cut us off a dozen years ago. When you trashed Pioneer Support, and impounded my life savings. You even fired poor old Bill, here.”

Lovell grinned. “Don’t bring me into it. I’m doing fine.”

“And none of the ‘Aegis rights and responsibilities’ crap spouted by President Cowley cuts any ice with me ,” Jack said. “Yes, Lieutenant, I’ll give you water to relieve the discomfort of these children you’re leading astray. Other than that—I could take your dollars, but I won’t, because I don’t like you, or the Datum government you represent, and I want to see the back of you.”

Nathan could see Lieutenant Allen’s temperature rising, like a volcano on slow heat. “This is all bullshit!”

Fox said earnestly, “With respect, sir, it’s not. This kind of meeting of minds is precisely why—”

“Shut your cakehole, sailor.”

“Yes, sir.” Fox shrank back immediately.

Allen produced a fold of currency from an inside pocket, hundred-dollar bills. He set this on Jack’s homemade desk. “I’m asking you to take this, sir. Or face the consequences.”

Jack, totally at ease, just faced him. “What is it that poor troll said, when the likes of you tried to take her cub away?”

“That was nothing to do with the US military—”

“ I will not .” He repeated the phrase, backing it up with troll sign language. “ I will not , sir. I will not .”

Allen glowered. “Ensign Fox, cuff this man.”

Jack just laughed. Fox sat frozen, indecisive.

There was a flurry in the corner where the guys were playing Scrabble. “McKibben, you butthole, there is no way under the sun that DUCTTAPE is a single word…”

“I don’t think cuffing is an appropriate response, Lieutenant Allen,” Nathan said calmly.

Allen stalked out of the house, furious.

Nathan wondered how the hell he was going to explain all this to Captain Kauffman.

When he did try, the first thing she did was to put Lieutenant Sam Allen off her ship, the first opportunity she got.

The second thing she did was to ask to meet this character Jack Green, so she could learn all about this business of the favours for herself.

In the Mine Belt, the Valientés aboard Gold Dust witnessed a crisis.

The airship fleet had stopped a couple of times over the arid worlds of this band, to take on board ore of various kinds—not just bulky stuff like bauxite, or even obviously precious metals like silver and gold, but a slew of minerals that were scarce now on the Datum, or at any rate hugely valuable: germanium, cobalt, gallium.

But it wasn’t a colonized world where the incident happened.

The family happened to be making one of their visits to the wheelhouse at the time, and Helen and Dan saw it all. The twain had slowed because they were approaching a notorious Joker, some eighty thousand steps from the Datum, and the pilot knew to take care, driving them forward at only a couple of steps a minute. When they finally stepped into the Joker, the landscape of the neighbouring world—a sparse green with forest clumps and prairie—vanished to reveal bare, brick-red, dust-strewn rock. Even the local Mississippi was reduced to a rusty trickle, striped down the centre of a valley that looked much too wide for it. From unknown causes, this Joker happened to be suffering from some kind of global desertification. It was like a landscape on Mars.