Fredric Brown - The Fredric Brown Megapack

The five o’clock whistle, and we didn’t stop.

Again George looked in, his face hopeful but puzzled, and again I waved him back.

My fingers ached from tearing sheets of copy out of the book, my arms ached from shoveling metal, my legs from walking to the bank and back, and other parts of me ached from sitting down.

Eight o’clock. Nine. Ten volumes completed and only two more to go. But it ought—it was working. Etaoin Shrdlu was slowing down.

It seemed to be setting type more thoughtfully, more deliberately. Several times it stopped for seconds at the end of a sentence or a paragraph.

Then slower, slower.

And at ten o’clock it stopped completely and sat there, with only a faint hum coming from the motor housing, and that died down until one could hardly hear it.

I stood up, scarcely daring to breathe until I’d made certain. My legs trembled as I walked over to the tool bench and picked up a screwdriver. I crossed over and stood in front of Etaoin Shrdlu and slowly—keeping my muscles tensed to jump back if anything happened—I reached forward and took a screw out of the second elevator.

Nothing happened, and I took a deep breath and disassembled the vise-jaws. Then with triumph in my voice, I called out, “George!” and he came running.

“Get a screwdriver and a wrench,” I told him. “We’re going to take it apart and—well, there’s that big hole in the yard. We’ll put it in there and fill up the hole. Tomorrow you’ll have to get yourself a new Linotype, but I guess you can afford that.”

He looked at the couple of parts on the floor that I’d already taken off, and he said, “Thank God,” and went to the workbench for tools.

I walked over with him, and I suddenly discovered that I was so dog tired I’d have to rest a minute first, and I sank down into the chair and George came over and stood by me. He said, “And now, Walter, how did you do it?” There was awe and respect in his voice.

I grinned at him. “That pimple business gave me the idea, George. The pimple of Buddha. That and the fact that the Linotype reacted in a big way to what it learned. See, George? It was a virgin mind, except for what we fed it. It sets books on labor relations and it goes on strike. It sets love pulp mags, and it wants another Linotype put in—”

“So I fed it Buddhism, George. I got every damn book on Buddhism in the library and the bookstore.”

“Buddhism? Walter, what on earth has—”

I stood up and pointed at Etaoin Shrdlu. “See, George? It believes what it sets. So I fed it a religion that convinced it of the utter futility of all effort and action and the desirability of nothingness. Om Mani padme hum, George.

“Look—it doesn’t care what happens to it and it doesn’t even know we’re here. It’s achieved Nirvana, and it’s sitting there contemplating its cam stud!”

Professor Jones had been working on time theory for many years.

“And I have found the key equation,” he told his daughter one day. “Time is a field. This machine I have made can manipulate, even reverse, that field.”

Pushing a button as he spoke, he said, “This should make time run backward run time make should this,” said he, spoke he as button a pushing.

“Field that, reverse even, manipulate can made have I machine this. Field a is time.” Day one daughter his told he, “Equation key the found have I and.”

Years many for theory time on working been had Jones Professor.

The Fredric Brown Megapack is copyright © 2013 by the Estate of Fredric Brown. All rights reserved. For more information, contact Wildside Press. Cover art © AlienCat / Fotolia.

Special thanks to Barry Malzberg, agent for the Fredric Brown estate, for fascilitating this edition; and to David Datta for assistance with locating and scanning some of Fredric Brown’s short stories. This volume could not exist without them.

“Arena” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction , June 1944. Copyright © 1944 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

“Keep Out” originally appeared in Amazing Stories , March 1954.

“Happy Ending” originally appeared in Fantastic Universe , September 1957.

“Hall of Mirrors” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction, December 1953.

“Earthmen Bearing Gifts” originally appeared in Galaxy Science Fiction , June 1960.

“Imagine” originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction , May 1955. Copyright © 1955 by Fantasy House, Inc.

“It Didn’t Happen” originally appeared in Playboy , October 1963. Copyright © 1963 by H.M.H. Publishing Company.

“Recessional” originally appeared in Dude , March 1960. Copyright © 1960 by Mystery Publishing Company, Inc.

“Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” (with Carl Onspaugh) originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction , June 1965. Copyright © 1965 by Mercury Press, Inc.

“Puppet Show” originally appeared in Playboy , November 1962. Copyright © 1962 by H.M.H. Publishing Company.

“Nightmare in Yellow” originally appeared in Dude , May 1961. Copyright © 1961 by Mystery Publishing Company, Inc.

“Jaycee” originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction . Copyright © 1955 by Fantasy House, Inc.

“Pi in the Sky” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories , Winter 1945. Copyright © 1945 by Standard Magazine, Inc.

“Answer” originally appeared in Angels and Spaceships . Copyright © 1954 by Fredric Brown.

“The Geezenstacks” originally appeared in Weird Tales , September 1943. Copyright © 1943 by Popular Fiction Publishing Company.

“Knock” originally appeared in Thrilling Wonder Stories , December 1948. Copyright © 1948 by Standard Magazines, Inc.

“Rebound” originally appeared in Nightmares and Geezenstacks . Copyright © 1961 by Fredric Brown.

“The Star Mouse” originally appeared in Planet Stories , February 1942. Copyright © 1942 by Love Romances Publishing Company, Inc.

“Abominable” originally appeared in Dude , March 1960. Copyright © 1960 by Mystery Publishing Company, Inc.

“Letter to a Phoenix” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction , August 1949. Copyright © 1949 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

“Not Yet the End” originally appeared in Captain Future , Winter 1941. Copyright © 1941 by Standard Publishing Company.

“Armageddon” originally appeared in Unknown , August 1941. Copyright © 1941 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

“Experiment” and “Sentry” originally appeared as “Two Timer” in Galaxy Science Fiction , February 1954.

“Of Time and Eustace Weaver” originally appeared in Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine . Copyright © 1964 by Davis Publications, Inc.

“Reconciliation” originally appeared in Angels and Spaceships . Copyright © 1954 by Fredric Brown.

“Nothing Sirius” originally appeared in Captain Future , spring 1944. Copyright © 1944 by Standard Publishing Company.

“Pattern” originally appeared in originally appeared in Angels and Spaceships . Copyright © 1954 by Fredric Brown.

“The Yehudi Principle” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction , May 1944. Copyright © 1944 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.

“Come and Go Mad” originally appeared in Weird Tales . Copyright © 1949 by Popular Fiction Publishing Company.