Fredric Brown - The Second Fredric Brown Megapack

“Will you please ask questions one at a time? I could answer all three of those simultaneously, one with each head, but I fear you are not equipped to understand multiple communication.”

Bill Garrigan closed his eyes. “You’ve got three heads, but only one mouth. How can you talk three ways with only one mouth?”

The monster’s mouth laughed. “What makes you think we talk with our mouths? We only laugh with them. We eat by osmosis. We talk by vibrating diaphragms in the tops of our heads. Now, which of your three previous questions do you wish answered?”

“How will I be rewarded?”

“The Emperor did not tell us. But it will be a great reward. It is our duty merely to bring you. These weapons are merely a precaution in case you resist. And they do not kill; we are too civilized to kill. They merely stun.”

“You aren’t really there,” Bill said. He opened his eyes and quickly closed them again. “I’ve never touched a reefer in my life. Nor had D.T.’s, and I couldn’t suddenly get them on only two brandies—well, four if you count the ones at the bar.”

“You are ready to go with us?”

“Go where ?”

“To Snook.”

“Where’s that?”

“The fifth planet, retrograde, of System K-14-320-GM, Space Continuum 1745-88JHT-97608.”

“Where, with relation to here?”

The monster gestured with one of his six arms. “Immediately through that aperture in your wall. Are you ready?”

“No. What am I being rewarded for? That cartoon? How did you see it?”

“Yes. For that cartoon. We are thoroughly familiar with your world and civilization; it is parallel to ours but in a different continuum. We are people with a great sense of humor. We have artists but no cartoonists; we lack that faculty. The cartoon you drew is, to us, excruciatingly funny. Already, everyone in Snook is laughing at it. Are you now ready?”

“No,” said Bill Garrigan.

Both monsters lifted their guns. Two clicks came simultaneously.

“You are conscious again,” a voice told him. “This way to the throne room, please.”

There wasn’t any use arguing. Bill went. He was here now, wherever here was, and maybe they’d reward him by letting him go back if he behaved himself.

The room was familiar. Just as he’d drawn it. And he’d have recognized the Emperor anywhere. Not only the Emperor, but the scientists who were with him.

Could it, conceivably, have been coincidence that he had drawn a scene and creatures that actually existed? Or—hadn’t he read somewhere the theory that there existed an infinite number of universes in an infinite number of spacetime continuums, so that any state of being of which one could possibly think actually existed somewhere? He’d thought that had sounded ridiculous when he’d read it, but he wasn’t so sure now.

A voice from somewhere—it sounded as though from an amplifier—said, “The great, the mighty Emperor Bon Whir III, Leader of the Faithful, Commander of the Glories, Receiver of the Light, Lord of the Galaxies, Beloved of His People.”

It stopped and Bill said, “Bill Garrigan.”

The Emperor laughed, with his mouth. “Thank you, Bill Garrigan,” he said, “for giving us the best laugh of our lifetimes. I have had you brought here to reward you. I hereby offer you the post of Royal Cartoonist. A post which has not existed before, since we have no cartoonists. Your sole duty will be to draw one cartoon a day.”

“One a day? But where’ll I get the gags?”

“We will supply them. We have excellent gags; each of us has a magnificent sense of humor, both creative and appreciative. We can, however, draw only representationally. You will be the greatest man on this planet, next to me.” He laughed. “Maybe you’ll be even more popular than I—although my people really do like me.”

“I—I guess not,” Bill said. “I think I’d rather go back to—say, what does the job pay? Maybe I could take it for a while and take some money—or some equivalent—back to Earth.”

“The pay will be beyond your dreams of avarice. You will have everything you want. And you may accept it for one year, with the option of life tenure if you so wish at the end of the year.”

“Well—” Bill said. He was wondering just how much money would be beyond his dreams of avarice. A devil of a lot, he guessed. He’d go back to Earth rich, all right.

“I urge you to accept,” said the Emperor. “Every cartoon you draw—and you may draw more than one a day if you wish—will be published in every publication on the planet. You will draw royalties from each.”

“How many publications have you?”

“Over a hundred thousand. Twenty billion people read them.”

“Well,” Bill said, “maybe I should try it a year. But—uh—”

“What?”

“How’ll I get along here, outside of cartooning? I mean, I understand that physically I’m hideous to you, as hideous as you are to—I mean, I won’t have any friends. I certainly couldn’t make friends with—I mean—”

“That has already been taken care of, in anticipation of your acceptance, and while you were unconscious. We have the greatest physicians and plastic surgeons in any of the universes. The wall behind you is a mirror. If you will turn—”

Bill Garrigan turned. He fainted.

One of Bill Garrigan’s heads sufficed to concentrate on the cartoon he was drawing, directly in ink. He didn’t bother with roughs any more. They weren’t necessary with the multiplicity of eyes that enabled him to see what he was doing from so many angles at the same time.

His second head was thinking of the great wealth in his bank account and his tremendous power and popularity here. True, the money was in copper, which was the precious metal in this world, but there was enough copper to sell for a fortune even on Earth. Too bad, his second head thought, that he couldn’t take back his power and popularity with him.

His third head was talking to the Emperor. The Emperor came to see him sometimes, these days.

“Yes,” the Emperor was saying, “the time is up tomorrow, but I hope we can persuade you to stay. Your own terms, of course. And, since we do not want to use coercion, our plastic surgeons will restore you to your original—uh—shape—”

Bill Garrigan’s mouth, in the middle of his chest, grinned. It was wonderful to be so appreciated. His fourth collection of cartoons had just been published and had sold ten million copies on this planet alone, besides exports to the rest of the system. It wasn’t the money; he already had more than he could ever spend, here. And the convenience of three heads and six arms—

His first head looked up from the cartoon and came to rest on his secretary. She saw him looking, and her eyestalks drooped coyly. She was very beautiful. He hadn’t made any passes at her yet; he’d wanted to be sure which way he’d decide about going back to Earth. His second head thought about a girl he’d known once back on his original planet and he shuddered and jerked his mind away from thinking about her. Good Lord, she’d been hideous.

One of the Emperor’s heads had caught sight of the almost-finished cartoon and his mouth was laughing hysterically.

Yes, it was wonderful to be appreciated. Bill’s first head kept on looking at Thwil, his beautiful secretary, and she flushed a faint but beautiful yellow under his stare.

“Well, pal,” Bill’s third head said to the Emperor, “I’ll think it over. Yeah, I’ll think it over.”

The Second Fredric Brown Megapack is copyright © 2014 by the Estate of Fredric Brown. All rights reserved. Cover art © 2014 by Innovari / Folotia.