Keith Laumer - The Star-Sent Knaves

In short, no people.

Dan turned. The portal still shimmered faintly in the bright air. He thrust his head through, found himself staring into the locker room. The yellow-clad Neanderthaloid glanced at him.

“Say,” Dan said, ignoring the sensation of a hot wire around his neck, “can’t we talk this thing over?”

“Better get your head out of there before it shuts down,” the guard said cheerfully. “Otherwise—ssskkkttt!”

“What about some reading matter? And look, I get these head colds. Does the temperature drop here at night? Any dangerous animals? What do I eat?”

“Here.” The guard reached into a hopper, took out a handful of pamphlets. “These are supposed to be for guys that are relocated without prejudice. You know, poor slobs that just happened to see too much, but I’ll let you have one. Let’s see… Anglic, Anglic…” He selected one, handed it to Dan.

“Thanks.”

“Better get clear.”

Dan withdrew his head. He sat down on the grass and looked over the booklet. It was handsomely printed in bright colors. WELCOME TO RELOCATION CENTER NO. 23 said the cover. Below the heading was a photo of a group of sullen-looking creatures of varying heights and degrees of hairiness wearing paper hats. The caption read: Newcomers Are Welcomed Into a Gay Round of Social Activity. Hi, Newcomer!

Dan opened the book. A photo showed a scene identical to the one before him, except that in place of the meadow, there was a parklike expanse of lawn, dotted with rambling buildings with long porches lined with rockers. There were picnic tables under spreading trees, and beyond, on the river, a yacht basin crowded with canoes and rowboats.

“Life in a Community Center is Grand Fun!” Dan read. “Activities! Brownies, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Sea Scouts, Tree Scouts, Cave Scouts, PTA, Shriners, Bear Cult, Rotary, Daughters of the Eastern Star, Mothers of the Big Banana, Dianetics—you name it! A Group for Everyone, and Everyone in a Group!

“Classes in conversational Urdu, Sprotch, Yiddish, Gaelic, Fundu, etc; knot-tying, rug-hooking, leatherwork, Greek Dancing, finger-painting and many, many others!

Little Theatre!

Indian Dance Pageants!

Round Table Discussions!

Town Meetings!

Dan thumbed on through the pages of emphatic print, stopped at a double-page spread labeled A Few Do’s and Don’ts.

All of us want to make a GO of relocation. So—let’s remember the Uranium Rule: Don’t Do It! The Other Guy May Be Bigger!

Remember the other fellow’s taboos!

What to you might be merely a wholesome picnic or mating bee may offend others. What some are used to doing in groups, others consider a solitary activity. Most taboos have to do with eating, sex, elimination, or gods; so remember, look before you sit down, lie down, squat down or kneel down!

Ladies With Beards Please Note:

Friend husband may be on the crew clearing clogged drains—so watch that shedding in the lavatories, eh, girls? And you fellas, too! Sure, good grooming pays—but groom each other out in the open, okay?

NOTE: There has been some agitation for “separate but equal” facilities. Now, honestly, folks; is that in the spirit of Center No. 23? Males and females will continue to use the same johns as always. No sexual chauvinism will be tolerated.

A Word to The Kiddies!

No brachiating will be permitted in the Social Center area. After all, a lot of the Dads sleep up there. There are plenty of other trees!

Daintiness Pays!

In these more-active-than-ever days, Personal Effluvium can get away from us almost before we notice. And that hearty scent may not be as satisfying to others as it is to ourselves! So remember, fellas: watch that P.E.! (Lye soap, eau de Cologne, flea powder and other beauty aids available at supply shed!)

Dan tossed the book aside. There were worse things than solitude. It looked like a pretty nice world—and it was all his—so far.

The entire North American continent, all of South America, Europe, Asia, Africa—the works. He could cut down trees, build a hut, furnish it. There’d be hunting—he could make a bow and arrows—and the skins would do to make clothes. He could start a little farming, fish the streams, sun bathe—all the things he’d never had time to do back home. It wouldn’t be so bad. And eventually Dzhackoon would arrange for his release. It might be just the kind of vacation—

“Ah, Dan, my boy!” a bass voice boomed. Dan jumped and spun around.

Blote’s immense face blinked at him from the portal. There was a large green bruise over one eye. He wagged a finger reproachfully.

“That was a dirty trick, Dan. My former employees were somewhat disgruntled, I’m sorry to say. But we’d best be off now. There’s no time to waste.”

“How did you get here?” Dan demanded.

“I employed a pocket signaler to recall my carrier—and none too soon.” He touched his bruised eye gingerly. “A glance at the instruments showed me that you had visited the park. I followed and observed a IDMS Portal. Being of an adventurous turn, and, of course, concerned for your welfare, I stepped through—”

“Why didn’t they arrest you? I was picked up for operating the carrier.”

“They had some such notion. A whiff of stun gas served to discourage them. Now let’s hurry along before the management revives.”

“Wait a minute, Blote. I’m not sure I want to be rescued by you—in spite of your concern for my welfare.”

“Rubbish, Dan! Come along.” Blote looked around. “Frightful place! No population! No commerce! No deals!”

“It has its compensations; I think I’ll stay. You run along.”

“Abandon a colleague? Never!”

“If you’re still expecting me to deliver a time machine, you’re out of luck. I don’t have one.”

“No? Ah, well, in a way I’m relieved. Such a device would upset accepted hyper-physical theory. Now, Dan, you mustn’t imagine I harbor ulterior motives—but I believe our association will yet prove fruitful.”

Dan rubbed a finger across his lower lip thoughtfully. “Look, Blote, you need my help. Maybe you can help me at the same time. If I come along, I want it understood that we work together. I have an idea—”

“But of course, Dan! Now shake a leg!”

Dan sighed and stepped through the portal. The yellow-clad guard lay on the floor, snoring. Blote led the way back into the great hall. IDMS officials were scattered across the floor, slumped over desks, or lying limp in chairs. Blote stopped before one of a row of shimmering portals.

“After you, Dan.”

“Are you sure this is the right one?”

“Quite.”

Dan stepped through in the now familiar chill and found himself back in the park. A small dog sniffing at the carrier caught sight of Blote, lowered his leg and fled.

“I want to pay Mr. Snithian a visit,” Dan said, climbing into a seat.

“My idea exactly,” Blote agreed, lowering his bulk into place.

“Don’t get the idea I’m going to help you steal anything.”

“Dan! A most unkind remark. I merely wish to look into certain matters.”

“Just so you don’t start looking into the safe.”

Blote tsk! ed, moved a lever. The carrier climbed over a row of blue trees and headed west.

Blote brought the carrier in high over the Snithian Estate, dropped lower and descended gently through the roof. The pale, spectral servants moving about their duties in the upper hall failed to notice the wraithlike cage passing soundlessly among them.

In the dining room, Dan caught sight of the girl—Snithian’s daughter, perhaps—arranging shadowy flowers on a sideboard.