Arlan Andrews - The Alien at the Alamo

The alien at the Alamo met me during a sweltering San Antonio afternoon, one of those days when even the adobe walls of that sacred monument itself seem to melt in the unforgiving sun. He (if gender even existed) was disguised as a human cowboy—short, not over five foot six, very skinny in his tight jeans and white long-sleeved shirt, looking Hispanic. The dark shadow of his white cowboy hat hid the details of his face, but I could tell he was alien . I had encountered a few before (by way of involuntary abductions), and this one had the same not-quite-on-a-human-key look. A cowboy! I laughed silently.

The alien had interrupted a reverie of sorts. As I always did while visiting the Alamo, I’d been humming the tune “San Antonio Rose,” by Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys, broken words, empty tunes I knew. Hours earlier, I had left a cooler, windy Padre Island on the Texas Gulf Coast to come look over some architectural details of the scarred mission, as research for an article on Texas history for one of the statewide magazines still in print. I needed the extra income because my retirement was not quite working out financially, not with half my Social Security pension, like everybody’s, going toward the wars in Venezuela and Bolivia.

As he approached, I was thinking that this particular meeting might make for a much more interesting article, but I was also sure that nobody would buy it. Nobody had cared about the articles on my three “alien abduction” incidents. So-called alien encounters were very common around the world, but still no more believable to any but the victims. Few people outside of cable TV shows believed any of such stuff; no one in conventional media would even listen.

I sighed and asked my visitor, “Again? Didn’t I answer all the questions the others wanted? What’s the deal?”

In that perfect South Texan drawl, the cowboy alien said, “My interest in you is somewhat different. Would you care to accompany me to the sidewalk café across the street?” I nodded. Some choice! Either comply now or wake up in the morning with a headache, a sore rectum, and another clichéd abduction story no one would believe. He ordered two pitchers of dark Ziegenbach as we sat at a small café table beneath the surprising coolness of a battered parasol. “I thought you would enjoy the lower temperature,” he said between quaffs from an icy mug. “It is quite easy to adjust.” A whiff of cooking chiles drifted by and stimulated my incipient hunger; I asked the passing waiter for some chileverde dip and nachos to go with my cerveza .

“Thank you for the shade and the beer,” I replied. “What do you want?”

“Information. You give me yours; I will give you mine.”

The preternaturally cold beer had improved my outlook, along with the green chile dip and chips. “That’s better than my previous abductors did. Shoot.”

He nodded. “Consider yourself trying to communicate with an Earthly insect, an ant. Its entire ‘vocabulary’ won’t exceed a few dozen ‘words,’ actually meanings that are transmitted by chemical releases and sensing, by antenna vibrations and by limited infrared transmission and reception. Even if you were able to totally understand and utilize all means of communication the ant possesses, you would not get much beyond ‘Here/there is food/mate/enemy/water’ or ‘Grab larvae and run!’ or ‘Attack!’ Now imagine trying to discuss metaphysics with that creature.”

I was absorbing that comparison with some difficulty. It must have shown on my face. He said, “I am afraid that my communicating with you, right now, is even more difficult than that example.”

Finally, beer-courageous, I objected, “At least I can conceive that I can’t conceive of something, that there are intelligences beyond my own. I don’t think of you star travelers as gods.”

I didn’t like his weird smile, as if human muscles couldn’t quite frame alien intent. “Are you really so sure? To paraphrase a famous science fiction author, ‘Any sufficiently advanced sentience is indistinguishable from God.’ ” I gulped and had another cold drink. But my insides were colder than the icy mug. Where was this leading? Here on Earth, we step on ants or use pesticides to exterminate them.

He went on. “You digress. One of my own— interests , shall we agree to call it?—is attempting to enhance communication with your species by methods not usually attempted, to access data channels that you possess, but which you do not recognize except in the most primitive form. Uplifting you, so to speak.” I smiled at the sci-fi reference, but didn’t respond. “In this case it is music .” He handed me the latest version of a smartphone, complete with foldout screen and retractable earpods. “Put these on and listen, please.”

I did so. He touched the screen, which unfolded, a recognizable video source image popping up on it. I could hear his voice over/through the earpods, “This is from 1998, a group called Blues Traveler. Listen and then tell me how you feel.”

I smiled when I heard John Popper’s fabulous harmonica playing and plaintive singing voice. Back in that day, his “Runaround” had been one of my favorites. I felt an old familiar tingle as Popper’s manic instrumental solo kicked in, repeating and repeating the haunting bridge chords and refrain. A surefire way to stir up memories! When the video ended, I smiled and said, “Great, just great.”

The alien cowboy frowned, nodded, and pressed the screen again. “Listen to all this playlist,” he said. “You don’t have to speak afterwards; I am monitoring all of your physiological and neurological responses. They tell me more than you would know. What I want, need, to understand.”

I really enjoyed listening and watching music videos over the next hour; this cowboy alien had picked out some favorite tunes from my early childhood, including some that my parents and grandparents used to play on old vinyl records. A lot of mostly good newer stuff, too.

The list continued with “San Antonio Rose,” a welcome and familiar melody followed quickly by “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult, then the Doors’ “Light My Fire,” the Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up,” some Beach Boy hits, a militant Leroy Anderson instrumental piece called “The Phantom Regiment,” a Hank Williams tune, and several old Johnny Mercer hits, including “The Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe,” all interspersed with excerpts of classical music I didn’t recognize, but whose names I read on the video screen: Beethoven, Bach, Haydn, Wagner, Mahler; followed by others, pop, technopop, metal, ska, conjunto and more.

Suddenly, the music stopped and I was back in the world of the Alamo and the alien. I had been guzzling Ziegenbach and munching nachos the whole time and felt pretty good by now. “So what’s the verdict, Master?” I bowed smartly in his direction across the café table. “Do I pass this Turning Test, or am I only fit for dinner?” I noticed that even aliens wince at bad puns.

Under the wide brim of the white hat, his gaze was that of an ancient wise one. “Grasshopper,” he answered, using the same cultural reference, “did you understand the meanings of the messages in the panoply of music that you just heard? The overall theme, as it were? Any inkling of the coherent content, the insights, displayed by these structured vibrations?”

“Vibrations? I did like the Beach Boys’ ‘Good Vibrations.’ I really felt that one, if that’s what you mean.” I stayed puzzled. Some of the tunes had been momentary favorites during parts of my life, usually associated with some romantic interlude or personal stress. But I had never felt I could communicate with aliens after hearing them.