Lee Kerr - Welcome to the Apocalypse

I don’t spend this precious time in the realms of lust; in fact, I’m not really in the same place as Destiny at all. I think of her working both of our bodies towards a joint purpose but all I really care about is everything that must be done today. As she forces me to go faster, to reach the climax she’s been teasing herself to reach all morning, I wonder which shirts I have ironed and ready to go, and which ties will match. I think to myself that this isn’t how the morning of the pitch to launch the salvation of mankind should have been, not from my perspective anyway.

‘You’ve changed into blue now,’ he says, looking me up and down, trying to find fault in the most obvious of places, never knowing the layers of blame he often manages to place on me.

‘I changed into a grey suit, blue shirt and blue tie, something plain so I would look nothing like you, because I didn’t want to outshine you in any way, sir.’

He adjusts his glasses, like he always does when he is deciding if something is worth a fight. ‘Good,’ he finally says, much to my surprise. ‘You’re starting to learn but you need to remember it’s not about outshining me but rather about knowing your place. Do you know your place, Henry?’

I nod, only enough to satisfy his need for control. I have still not truly got to know where my place is in all of this. I haven’t had somewhere I could call home for weeks and no one to trust since I left my parents. The absence of both makes me feel more alone than I had ever thought possible. I’m in a cage with a cobra I thought I used to know. He used to be someone I trusted; I remember him from my youth as being a decent and kind person, but then I grew up and found out the truth.

He smiles back but doesn’t say anything – a clear signal to move on.

But I don’t want to move on. I have things to ask, more that I want to know. I want that decent man back, the one who would give me a few bucks each time we met, telling me to save it, to be wise – to be everything my dad wasn’t. I followed his advice, it seemed pretty simple but I never knew at the time that his generosity had such powerful messages attached: I was constantly being conditioned to think of my parents as inadequate. I think of them now but no bad thoughts come into my mind. Our separation has only served to remind me of how much I miss them; my dad’s reckless energy to achieve his next big thing and my mum’s grounded smile – they both worked together to mould me into who I am today.

These thoughts make me desperate to succeed, to feel like I have somehow paid them back. My determination to find a way makes me take a deep breath. I wonder if this is the moment, if I still have enough in our mutually worn-out bank account to pull this off. I watch him going about his business, shuffling folders around his desk and checking figures on papers as if they hold the lost key to our future. Maybe they do but I can only think of my future, of what I want, and so I cough loudly, enough to make him look up for just a moment. ‘So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.’

He stares at me, his eyes narrowing, his keen mind no doubt already working this out. He could probably ask the question for me but he won’t. He won’t give me any help or mercy – it’s simply not his way.

‘I was wondering when my parents will be flying out here?’ I ask, watching for any reaction. ‘They still haven’t been told anything and I’m worried that time is running out.’

He stops moving and stares at me. This isn’t what he wanted – not today, not now. ‘Henry, for heaven’s sake, how should I know this detail?’

‘I just thought–’

‘You thought that just because your father is my brother that I would pay him special attention for something as important as this project? And with everything going on today, with the entire fate of this project and thousands of people’s lives resting on these next few hours, you pick this moment to ask me?’

I keep quiet, unable to answer, my mind finding it impossible to think of any reason he will understand. My entire purpose in being here, in becoming a hopeful survivor, is thanks to my parents and their love for me. It’s the only answer I can give, and it just happens to be the only one he will never understand.

He moves around his desk so he can get closer and look down at me. ‘You know that my brother and I have never had a good relationship and now the world is falling apart he somehow wants to latch onto my success? I made it clear from the day you arrived here that this isn’t about family and that you need to prove your worth as my assistant, which doesn’t mean a place will ever be guaranteed for your parents. I will not allow emotions to get in the way of judgement and this outburst reminds me that you have as much to learn about family as you do corporate affairs. I’m glad your father gave you to me: I can at least try to fix you.’

I want to shake my head to tell him he is wrong, that he will always be wrong to believe that family loyalty is not a part of who we are and where we come from. But I cannot say that, not to him and not right now, and so I nod and look down, not wanting to start another argument. ‘I just hope they make it onto the island.’

He takes his glasses off and sits on the corner of his desk, taking a few moments to reply. This is uncharacteristic: normally, he would strike like the snake I know him to be. ‘The truth is that the list is still being finalised but I’m struggling to find an adequate reason for them to be a part of this. You know that in the new world everyone must have a purpose and useful abilities. The reality is that your mother is entirely unskilled and your father cannot pay a fraction of the cost for transport and entry.’

I refuse to hear his words, how inaccurately and unfairly he is portraying things. ‘You weren’t there. You didn’t see how hard my mum worked to look after my sister until –’

He holds up a hand, already shaking his head. ‘Please do not even start to play this card with me. What happened to your sister was very unfortunate and we all feel her loss but you cannot let the past control your future, and I will not be forced into making a rash decision.’

I feel my mouth gaping open as the tears build, caused by both his bite and the memory of Jessie and her journey from health to hell. ‘You have no idea of the pain we went through and the sacrifice my mum made to look after her at home until the end.’

He nods, almost like he is agreeing, as if he could know anything about this: he never visited and never offered to help. ‘That may be the case but we have little call for dedicated housewives in the new world, and add to this the fact that your father has failed at pretty much everything he has ever done. You can really see my dilemma about letting people up into paradise if they don’t have the skills to enable them to pay their way.’

‘Or the bags of money that are also accepted as payment?’

He suddenly leaps from the desk, pushing and forcing me backwards, before grabbing hold of me. He grips my body tightly with both hands and drags me to the window, making me look outside. ‘My passion and singular understanding achieved this and just look at what I have created. I have not had the time or the energy to worry about what I cannot change or those who will burden the project. With my vision of an overcrowded planet and the need for something new, I have made it possible for us to create a better life for those who are daring enough to reach out and grab it.’ I choke for breath as he squeezes tighter. ‘Answer me this, Henry, will your parents ever be daring enough to reach for the sky as I have done?’

I want to say yes. I want to argue that in their own way they have reached for the moon and more, but their reach was as limited as most people’s; they could only stretch a little considering the background: a dying planet full of clueless caretakers who never took their jobs seriously. I look into his eyes and shake my head, rubbing the burnt area on my neck against his tight grip. I want to tell him that he’s right, or is at least as close to it as anyone I have met. We need to do something different and his is the best option I’ve heard yet.