Lee Kerr - Welcome to the Apocalypse

He takes a deep breath, bringing himself closer to me, his mouth near my ear. ‘You think you will ever be in charge of anything? Your father grows older but because of you he must still produce another son. This is a great burden you have placed upon him, and yet you show no remorse.’

My mouth falls open quicker than I can collect my thoughts to defend an impossible position. I know that these insults to my honour will continue forever, no matter how much logic is on my side. I wasn’t there that day, deep in the desert, when the cars were ambushed. I wasn’t involved in the route planning or the security precautions, wasn’t one of those brave few who tried to save half of the royal family. It didn’t take long for me to realise that had been my biggest mistake and it meant I was forever on borrowed time, the days and hours counting down until my absence from everything state and family-related would be my ultimate undoing.

When that long day finally ended my father found me on the southern terrace, just as the sun was setting. I was watching the wisps of sand flying across the distant hills, imagining it was my mother, her spirit still looking out for me, her echoes of understanding travelling across the land. She was the only one who had really known me; although she couldn’t always accept that I was somehow different, but she at least realised it was true. On that particular night she was not looking out for me, not able to hold him back this time. As he beat me until the sun finally disappeared I knew that somehow it was my fault, and it always would be, because it hadn’t been me in the convoy that day, and my brother hadn’t been safe within the palace walls. It should have been me. He told me, without saying a single word. The loss of his wife was bad enough but the loss of an heir with the energy to carry on the name and to lead our people was impossible to comprehend.

‘I have caused this?’ I say to Abdul, already knowing the answer, already regretting giving him such an easy way in.

‘Yes, you!’ he shouts, as he digs a finger into my chest. ‘You and your western thoughts. Somehow the capitalist devil got into your head and I’ve tried everything to get him out.’

I shake my head, unable to find the right words to match my dismay. When my father first said the Americans were coming I got so excited. I would get to meet them and we would talk about my future, all of us having a say in deciding what university I would attend and where I would live. Even when my father made it clear that their visit was about oil, trade and money, and that my year away was only an afterthought, I still got excited. Just knowing that this was a chance for a better life was enough to make me smile every day, even if three body guards and the never-happy Abdul would have to come along with me. I never once wondered how many barrels it would take to buy my freedom; only the thoughts of different shores mattered.

‘I’m not going to America now. I’m never going to leave this place and we both know that, so why would the Americans ever want to meet with me?’

He prods my chest again. ‘You never listen to anything I tell you. The Americans will be meeting with you, which means that all the trade discussions will be in your hands.’

‘But where is my father?’ I ask, not believing that I will be alone, unable to comprehend the thought that I could be trusted with anything more than visits to our most remote settlements.

‘He had to leave immediately and so he will not be joining us. Something is happening in the south and the military has been put on the highest alert. He has personally gone to investigate.’

‘And I am only being told this now?’

Abdul starts tapping something into his phone and when he eventually looks up he smiles. ‘You only needed to know this now, and that is why you have just been told.’

‘So, I have been left in charge?’

He takes a deep breath and mutters a prayer as he looks up to the ceiling and then at me. ‘You must understand that we had no other choice.’

He starts to walk away but I stand still, refusing to leave this place without the respect I deserve. ‘Perhaps I will not see them. Perhaps I will be the petulant child that I appear to be so good at. I could sit here and leave you, the mere advisor to the lowly prince, to see them and to negotiate on behalf of the palace and my father.’

He turns on his heels so he can look at me, refusing to move back. ‘Perhaps you do that and then we both know that you will never get to the USA. You long to travel to that arrogant land, yet I pray every night that you will somehow find a way out from under the vast shadow of your late brother, and finally prove your worth to your father. Act as a petulant child and you will simply confirm everything he knows to be true about you. But achieve victory in this meeting and you will earn some much-needed respect, which will be good for both of us.’

I think for a moment. I think about the United States and I think about myself; the two always joined as one in my desperate mind. It doesn’t take long before I nod and walk forward, coming to my master like the dog I am, knowing my place and what my biggest needs are. As we walk along the corridor I wonder how the relationship of two countries could be left in my care. I am about to be locked in a room with a monster, desperate and hungry for what we have, and yet it still excites me. I have what it wants – I’m literally sitting on barrels of it and a passage out of here is all I really care about.

Abdul grabs my arm, squeezing it tight, as if he can guess the thoughts that are running through my corrupted mind. ‘Our relationship with the Americans is nearly over and we are ready to burn it. It is clear that they are falling from grace and they are nothing more than a frantic and plagued people. Once their military machine runs out of power it will die like a horse that has ran out of water, so you must not give them anything of value. In fact, you must do the opposite and give them nothing.’

I shake my head, openly willing to refuse this order, feeling closer to the future I want than I have been in a long time. ‘What is the point of them being here if we are not to negotiate?’

He shakes his head at my continuing lack of understanding of our political and economic place in the world. I think I understand it better than he ever will; the divide between our generations and our different desires is never as obvious as when we discuss the land of the free. ‘You will do nothing but listen and remain firm,’ he says. ‘You must say very little and remain aloof and disinterested whilst Hamza and I do all the talking.’

I throw my hands by my side, behaving exactly as I have always been forced to, playing a role, one that has by now become very easy for me. ‘Hamza will be in the meeting, too?’

‘Why would a general not be in attendance at such an important meeting? He has deliberately remained behind to meet the Americans, and then he will fly to the south when they leave.’ He shakes his head at me once more. ‘You will never know how much it pains me that you cannot be trusted to conduct these negotiations on your own. General Hamza should be with the scouting party and yet he has to be here, with you. If anything should happen to your father then this will be entirely your fault.’

I say nothing and rub my face, playing with the stubble that should be a beard by now. I wonder why I have never allowed it to grow into what it is supposed to be. His stare tells me more than I want to know. He looks at me as though I am an outsider who somehow got inside this palace but also into my mother’s womb. I imagine in the USA that many people will be running through all those corridors of power that I used to see on my television before it was taken away, all of them focused on today’s important visit. I remember all those many rooms, with their big, over-the-top titles on every door. I truly believe it would be a nightmare to make any major decision, but it symbolises all these people working together to create something bigger than any individual could ever be. And here, it is just one person, in one room, who makes all the decisions that matter. When that person disappears and I am relied on, I don’t know what I will do, or how I will ever make a success out of today.