Роберт Асприн - Forever After

Domino snapped her riding crop against her boot top. The pikeman jumped and stopped talking.

“I don’t care why you turned to robbery, man. I want to know why you chose to wear your uniform to go about it.”

The man looked sheepishly at his tattered trousers. “Didn’t much think about it.”

“Didn’t much think about it, what?” Rafe said, his voice a silken garotte.

“Didn’t much think about it… sir?” The pikeman paused, looking closely at Domino for the first time.

“Better,” Rafe said. “Address the General with respect, rat. If you’re in uniform, you can be expected to observe the courtesies.”

“One moment,” came a voice from the other end of the line, “I have a question of procedure.”

“Step forward,” Domino commanded.

The man who slouched out of line was a thickset, unshaven young fellow in the cavalry’s green and black. Studying him, Domino decided that he’d never been under her command.

“I was wondering,” he said calmly, thumbs in his belt, “why you’re talking to us like we’re still in the army. I, for one, was honorably discarded after the last cataclysmic battle against the forces of Evil and, best as I know, none of these here is any more army than I am.”

Domino’s expression was grim and merciless. “You’re in the uniform — disgraced as it is — that my father taught me to revere. If that wasn’t enough to set honest blood boiling, you and your fellows misrepresent the army by performing your perfidious acts in what a civilian might mistake as army colors. However, if you insist — Colonel Rafe, according to my orders from Prince Rango, we are on a Crown Mission. Remind me, what powers does that grant me?”

“The power to exact due cooperation from any and all servants of the Crown. The power to raise an army for said Crown. The power to reactivate any member of the Crown’s forces.” He grinned wickedly at the now-trembling bedroll lawyer. “And the power to exact the Crown’s justice as you see fit. Among other powers, sir.”

“Very well, Colonel, witness that I’ve just reactivated these seven sorry souls. And now,” she said, her voice getting husky with suppressed passion, “I’m going to review their uniforms. Somehow, I don’t think they’ll pass inspection.”

Some time later, she sat astride Spite watching a bandit kick out his life from the makeshift scaffold Gus and his posse had built from the timbers of the prisoners’ holding pen. The scaffold had been a bit short, so the bandits tended to strangle rather than break their necks. Still, for such short notice, it had been a workmanlike job.

“That’s the last?‘ she asked.

“Yes, sir,” Captain Kerran answered, “Private Hob Tanger, charges included unpolished boots, buttons and brass; torn and dirty uniform; hair untidy, face unshaven, robbery, banditry, conspiracy to enslave others, rape, and murder.”

“Very good, Captain. I’ve promised to have a meal with the old… Dennis and his reunited family. Apparently, there will be a wedding as well. Carry on here.”

“Yes, sir!”

There was indeed a wedding, a country wedding replete with a variety of customs that Domino found everything from baffling to downright distasteful. The service itself was pleasant enough, but when after a slew of toasts Ami perched on a chair and the older women started herding all the young women over to her, Domino balked.

“What’s this?” she asked Jord, who had escorted her to the wedding.

“Ami’s going to scatter her bouquet over the women,” Jord explained. “It’s a country charm for fertility.”

“Like hell,” Domino said, twisting away from the biddies. “Do you have any idea how much I pay a wise woman in the city just to stay infertile? They must be kidding!”

“No,” Jord said, “they just figure that a woman’s goal in life is to have lots of kids and Ami’s passing on her luck as a new bride to all the rest.”

Domino grabbed her beer mug and headed outside. Jord trailed her.

“You’re upset, Domi,” he said, not bothering to make his words a question.

“Yes, I am,” she snapped. “That whole routine is disgusting!”

“Well,” Jord said, cradling her hand in his, “the other women don’t seem to mind. In fact, they seem pleased.”

“They’re idiots!” Domino said flatly, draining most of her beer. “To have breeding as your only goal is crazy.”

“It’s not that bad a choice, Domino,” Jord said softly, “especially for a farm family. Ami’s luckier than most. Gus loves her and would have fought twenty bandits to save her. She could do worse than letting him care for her and having a mess of kids.”

“She could,” Domino replied acridly, “take care of herself without letting him start running her life. Look at Rissa — perfectly competent on her own, doing just fine, bringing back Sombrisio with Jancy, and now she’s lurking back at the palace waiting for other people to do things while she waits for wedding bells and coronation.”

“Well, the wedding at least should be fun,” Jord said, steering the conversation to more neutral ground. “You’re in the bridal party, aren’t you?”

Domino nodded, “Yes, Rissa asked both me and Jancy. I wonder what she expects us to wear? All I have are uniforms.”

“I believe that the bride normally selects gowns for her attendants,” Jord answered, “so you don’t need to worry.”

“Worry?” Domino shrugged. “I’m not worried. It’s just that the last three weddings I was in I was in the groom’s party — I was Rafe’s best man.”

Jord suppressed a chuckle. “Were you? Well, I think you’ll make a lovely bridesmaid. I can see you all done up in something orchidy with lots of lace.”

“You don’t think that my hair is too short, do you?” she asked with an anxious stroke over the close-cropped nape of her neck. “I never let it grow out. Long hair seemed like such a bother on the road and just as we were getting settled in the capital, Prince Rango sent us out again.”

“No, it’s not too short,” Jord said, trailing a finger down her throat, “I find it very soft and very sexy.”

“Oh.” Domino glowed. “Orchidy, you think, with lace? You really think that would look nice?”

“Beautiful,” Jord replied, slipping his arm around her waist. “They’ve started the music again. Would you care to dance?”

Domino paused awkwardly. “I only know how to lead.”

“No matter, my dear. You can learn new tactics.” He took her arm. ‘Think of it as a field exercise.“

“I can do that,” she said, “but I’m afraid we have to leave fairly early. No dancing until dawn, this wedding.”

“Of course,” Jord agreed. “We have to hit the trail again early tomorrow morning.”

Domino twinkled. “I was thinking more about hitting the hay with a certain poet. If you’re interested, of course.”

“As the General commands.” He smiled. “As she commands.”

The Company departed Hillville before noon the next day. Gus and Ami had been given the villagers’ full support in rebuilding Dennis’s hamlet as a wedding gift and Domino left them most of the cumbersome loot as the Company’s gift.

“Is there anything that you will take as a sign of our thanks, General?” Gus asked. “We all owe you so much.”

“Just one thing,” Domino replied. “Rope.”

‘Rope?“ chimed Gus and Ami.

“Rope,” she repeated. “If things are as bad farther north as we have heard, I suspect that we will be doing lots of hangings.”

And she proved a prophet. The very day the Company left Hillville, Captain Kerran’s outriders captured six bandits, these in Kalaran’s colors. Domino reviewed the complaints of the local farmers, the contents of the bandit’s camp, and their tattered uniforms, then ordered all six hanged.