Роберт Асприн - Forever After

Spido acquitted himself better than Gar would have imagined possible. He ducked beneath a roundhouse right and sent that fighter to the dirt with a Carat-cracker Blow. Because he remained low, another man kicked at him, but he parried the blow with a forearm, then pumped a Fleshmace Punch through the man’s knee. Leaping up, Spido finished him with a Springbok Kick, then came down and rolled away from a jab at his heart. Stumbling on for one more step in the Wounded-Bird-Protecting-Nest Kata, Spido threw his attacker in, then posted him up on a Stallion Kick to the midsection.

Unfortunately, as he had moved to draw that assailant in, Spido lost track of his final foe. Steel rasped against scabbard as the last man drew a wickedly curved dagger and rushed at Spido’s back. Spido, straightening up from the kick, started to spin toward his attacker and though Gar knew a dozen dozen parries and ripostes to that attack, he also knew Spido had no chance to stave death off.

The attacker came to that same realization, and a smile blossomed on his face for a second, then died as a golden hind came bounding through the square and boosted the man into the air with a head butt. The tough flew back and caught his heels on Gordo’s stomach. His feet went up and his head went down to slam into the ground hard. Even as the man bounced back up, Spido’s leap carried him well above his uncle’s bulk and his Flying Dragon Kick snapped the man’s head back.

Spido landed on cat’s feet as his last foe’s body flopped in the dust. He nodded at Gar, then stared at Dolonicus. “I am come to liberate Torfay from you.” Spido held his right fist up and thrust his thumb out between his first and second fingers. “Look upon this and tremble. This is your death.”

Dolonicus balled his fists. ‘That? You don’t even know how to make a proper fist! Teaching you the error of your ways will be a pleasure.“

The village headman rushed forward and hammered Spido with a roundhouse right that whipped Spido’s head around. Spido took one step, then dropped to his knees. He started to waver and pitch forward, but something stopped him from falling flat on his face.

Spido sat back, shaking his head, and wiped blood from his nose on the back of his left hand. “A real man from Torfay could hit harder than that.”

Dolonicus looked down at Spido, then over at Gar. “Your student is a fool, Pariah.”

“Fool or not, he is correct.”

“Is he?” Dolonicus looked down again and patted his midsection. “Come on, Spido, show me how hard you can punch.”

“As you wish, Dolonicus !” Shouting his foe’s name, Spido drove his right hand upward.

Dolonicus twisted to the left and cried out in triumph as the strike missed.

Exhausted, hurt and broken, Spido fell forward.

His right fist bounced off Dolonicus’s booted foot.

Dolonicus looked over at Gar, then his eyes rolled up in his head and he pitched backward all boneless and flaccid.

The assassin crouched beside Dolonicus and felt his throat for a pulse. “Dead.”

Spido looked up, dust coating half his face. “Dead?”

Gar nodded.

Gordo rolled himself over to his nephew and patted him on the back. “Of course he’s dead. You used the dreaded hingu Bunion Strike on him.”

“Executed with cleaner technique than I’ve seen ever come out of Armbruss.” Gar nodded and straightened up, then helped Spido to his feet. “People of Torfay, this is Spido Blott, sent by Prince Rango to liberate your village from the last taint of Kalaran!”

A great cry went up from the villagers, but one piercing voice broke through the din. The crowd parted as quickly as it had before Gordo and a woman launched herself at Spido. He caught her in his arms and gave her an awkward hug, then held her out at arm’s length — a move that still had them touching belly to belly.

“Squashblossom?”

The dark-haired woman nodded. “It’s me. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Ha!” snapped Goodwife Blott.

“Crone!”

“Slut!”

“Witch!”

“Wait!” Spido’s shout cut off his mother’s rhymed riposte. “Squashblossom, I, ah, er, um…”

“You were gone so long, Spido, and I feared you might be dead. I sought solace in the arms of another….”

“Dozen dozen,” his mother amended.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“Over my dead body,” mumbled Goodwife Blott, and had Squashblossom been an adept at Tian-shi-sheqi , the glare she gave Fannie Blott might have accomplished that end.

Spido shivered apd frowned. “I could forgive the woman I love anything, Squashblossom.”

“Good. You’ll be a great father for my children.”

“Children?”

“I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Squashblossom blushed. “I have a few children, Spido, though in my heart you fathered them all.”

Spido looked at Gar, but the assassin only shrugged. “I, ah, appreciate the thought, Squashblossom, but, I, ah, love another.”

“Thank the gods!” Goodwife Blott glanced at Gar. “It’s not you, is it, Mr. Quiknik? I don’t know if I could take that.”

“Nor I, goodwife.” Gar nodded toward the golden hind. “He refers to Elise.”

Goodwife Blott looked from the deer to the assassin and back again. “Are you sure it’s not you, Quiknik? I might have been hasty.”

As Spido held his hand out to her, Elise shimmered and flowed from her cervoid form into the beautiful woman Gar had grown used to hearing giggle around their camp. “Mother, this is Elise. She will be my wife.”

“Over my dead body! No mixed marriages in my family!”

“I assure you, Goodwife Blott, she is quite human.”

“Not that, Mr. Quiknik, look at her.”

“I am.” Gar frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Are you daft? She’s blond!” Goodwife Blott scowled at Elise. “I’ll not have my son marrying a Northern woman. Away with you, witch!”

Spido interposed his body between Elise and his mother. “No! I love her. We are meant to be together!”

From somewhere back in the crowd, someone threw an overripe tomato. It exploded on Spido’s chest, spraying seeds and pulp over him and the ground. Before he could sputter a protest, one of the seeds germinated and sprang up thick and full and lush. Yellow blossoms appeared, then withered as tomatoes grew and ripened. As they shifted around, the leafy plant molded itself into the shape of a beautiful verdant woman with magnificent foliage.

Gar dropped to one knee. “Torfay is honored by your presence, Osina of the Flowers!”

“I have no doubt at least three of you hold me in the proper amount of respect.” Osina gestured in a way that included Spido and Elise with Gar, but managed to exclude everyone else. She looked at Goodwife Blott. “You oppose this marriage of my handmaid Elise and your son?”

“Well, she’s a Northerner.”

“And if I told you that her people would protest your son because he is a Southerner?”

“There’s nothing wrong with my son!”

“Exactly.”

Gar caught the message Osina tried to send, but the people of Torfay did not. Northern rejection of Spido did not strike them as a mirror of their own prejudice, but justification for it. The assassin looked up at Osina and, had she given the word, he would have turned Torfay into a large composting heap.

Osina shook her head, then looked at Spido and Elise standing together. “You would grow together instead of growing apart, yes?”

“We would.”

“If you both wish it, I will see to it that you need never be apart.”

The two lovers looked at each other, then nodded. “Please, goddess.”

With a wave of her hand, Osina turned Elise back into the golden hind, then transformed Spido into a magnificent stag. His rack had many points, each of which sparkled with a jewel. Her tail wagging, Elise ran off and Spido bounded from the square after her.