Гарри Гаррисон - The Return of The Stainless Steel Rat

"That's what they always ask for first," Corona said gloomily. He passed over a thick and dog-eared volume of plans. It was burned a bit at the edges and splattered with something that might have been blood. I had a dark suspicion.

"Been used before?" I asked.

He nodded. "Four times." There was little humour in his smile. "Maybe five will be lucky."

"Thanks." I flipped through the pages. "You don't happen to remember how the other attempts on the computer were made, do you?"

"Sure do." He took the volume from me and flipped through it. He had a good, if morbid, memory and quickly indicated the various routes my predecessors had taken. Through the storage bays or radio room, power central, food supplies, oxygen scrubbing, every way possible. Good intelligent plans - and all of them had failed.

"Any idea how you are going to go?" He asked, handing the plans back. I had none - but I wasn't going to admit this to the hired help.

"I have an idea, but I must perfect it. First some more information. See if you can pry the good Dr.Putz away from that five litre glass of beer and ask him if he would be so kind as to join me for a moment."

"You wanted to see me?" Putz asked, wiping foam from his moustache with the back of his hand.

"If you would be so kind. As Assistant Science Officer you should know a think or two about the Mark 2500 computer - shouldn't you?"

"Of course. In theory that is. I had nothing to do with the day to day operation."

"Even better. Would you then be kind enough to explain to me how a computer, which is nothing but a great big adding machine, could possibly go insane?"

"A good question," he said, pawing his jaw in deep concentration. "I have given that much thought and come up with a possible answer. The Mark 2500 series have a memory capacity in excess of ten to the fourteenth power. That is rather large. As I am sure you know, the human brain has a memory capacity of ten to the twelfth..."

"Which means the computer is far smarter than a human being?"

"Not in the slightest. I said memory, not intelligence. A computer is just a complex machine programmed for certain functions. But with that capacity for memory it is certainly capable of intelligence. Perhaps some internal shortcircuiting took place. This is just speculation, mind you. If the same accident that saw intelligence rise in animals billions of years ago, if that accident occurred in a machine brain..."

"I follow your point. There is the possibility that it could grow, learn, develop a personality. A machine mind without morals, love or hate. Coldly efficient..."

"This is just speculation, mind you!"

"I realize that, Dr.Putz, and appreciate the help. But it is almost academic as well. I think it is more important to know just what the machine can do, not why it is doing it."

"It can do anything it wants aboard this satellite. It controls every function, every operation. If it wanted it could shut off our air, poison our food, destroy us in a hundred different ways."

"But it hasn't?"

"No. And that is most interesting. It has sealed the major airlocks and will allow no one in or out. It has cut off our radio communication. But other than that it has made no attempt to harm us. Though, of course, it has defended itself by killing those who were sent against it."

"Aren't you forgetting the landing shuttle that it wiped out?"

"I meant since that time. There was, perhaps, a good reason for destroying the shuttle."

He looked around nervously. I leaned close and lowered my voice.

"You wouldn't care to expand on that point, would you, doctor?"

"Again, just a theory. The three senior officers in command of this satellite were on that shuttle. If the computer wished to take charge that would certainly be a good way to start."

"It would indeed," I said, my brain whirling with thoughts. Pieces were beginning to fall into place. "Now, if you don't mind, Dr.Putz, I am a little tired after my adventurous journey here. I intend to lie down and study these plans and will confer with you all in eight hours time. Will you please convey that message to your associates? Thank you."

I spun on my heel and exited. Corona was waiting by the door.

"We'll meet here in eight hours. I'll have a plan by then and I'll let you know what I need. All right?"

"You're the boss," he said, shambling off, and then calling back over his shoulder. "Plenty of empty transit passenger cabins on M deck if you want to shut your eyes while you are making your plans."

"Just what I had in mind." I picked up my spacesuit and the rest of my equipment and headed for the elevators. I punched for M deck, exited there - and went straight to the emergency stairs.

"Well done, Jim," I congratulated myself, since no one else was there to do the job. Nor did I want anyone there at this moment. "As Dr.Putz said, this computer is a smarty. It must be eavesdropping on everything said in the public rooms."

It might also be eavesdropping on me in the stairwell I realized. And shut up. It should have a hard job listening to my thoughts. Corona had revealed that all of the previous attempts on the computer had been known to him. So they must have been discussed, planned in public. And been overheard. Well, that wasn't going to happen to Slippery Jim diGriz, not for nothing named Slippery! I had slipped away, the computer would not be expecting an assault yet. By the time it woke up to what was happening I would have put it to sleep forever. But how?

I sat down on the metal stairs and flipped through the deck plans. The central computer was located, as you might very well imagine, in the centre of the satellite. Which was ideal for the computer, but not so good for anyone trying to sneak up on it. I traced the various courses the other hopefuls had taken. All very imaginative. And all ending in the same way. And all complex. There had to be a simple and quick way to get near the thing. But there wasn't. Instead of all the doors, hatches, floors and entrances, I wanted to get directly to it. Bore a hole straight down with a super laser? Good idea. Only I didn't have a super laser. I started to throw the plans aside - then pulled them back when something caught my eye. Of course! The hole was already there!

Drilled right through the satellite. From top to bottom. Passing right through the computer room. I permitted myself a chuckle of admiration and pleasure. You're a bright boy, Jim! I traced the opening with my finger.

The elevator shaft.

Nor would I make any attempt to reach the computer by elevator. That would be suicide. It was the shaft alone that I wanted. The magnetized boots on my spacesuit would get me there. To think is to act. Fast and smooth, that's the Stainless Steel Rat's motto.

I pulled on the spacesuit, checked my equipment, then went down the stairs to the lowest deck. The deck plans came in handy then because this was a machinery level. I slipped between the humming generators and clattering machines, working my way towards the bottom of elevator shaft 19. It was there, right where it was indicated on the diagram, with its number painted directly over the inspection hatch. All going according to plan!

I unclipped the hatch and lowered it gently to the deck, then poked my head through. Darkness. My light flashed up the shaft and I was aware of the bottom of the elevator far above. The way was clear to computer central. I did not stand around pondering the dangers, but when instantly into action - climbing inside and raising my boot and pressing it against the wall where it clung to the steel with magnetic cohesion. The gravity here was orientated towards the base of the shaft which made it difficult. But not impossible. I hung head downwards from the boots, uncomfortable but necessary. I switched off the current in the bottom boot and shifted it above the other. Current on, magnetized, stuck there. Then the other boot, repeating the process over and over.