The Best of Sci-Fi-5

Well, everything was going fine till Icarus, who was a little dopey, decided to take a look at the sun, up close. Naturally, the beeswax began to melt and dribble away, and he began to lose his feathers.

“Say, son,” his father observed, flapping down where it was cooler, “your topside is dripping. You’d better flip over on your back and come lower, so’s the wax’ll get hard again.”

But Icarus said no, and flew still higher, till the wax began running like water, the feathers fluttered away and Icarus plunged down toward the ocean, his right “wing” completely gone.

“Son,” said his father, “are you falling?”

Icarus replied, “It’s a matter of a pinion, Dad.”

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, son,” said his father as Icarus vanished into the sea, “ Loop before you leak !”

Moral: He who levitates is washed.

This habit was begun in 1357 by a group of five men who felt that they weren’t getting enough out of their diet, which consisted mainly of turnips.

“Say, men,” said the eldest, named George, “we’re just missing something in our nutrition. How about we go and terrorize the countryside and maybe get us something we can really sink our teeth into?”

The others thought this a fine idea, and soon the near-by villages were getting it in the neck.

“My people,” said the Mayor of the largest village, “it’s about time we stop this leeching. That gang’s been putting the bite on us long enough.”

“So okay, so what do we do?” asked the villagers.

“We go out to the mausoleum where they sleep all day, and we try and touch their hearts by pointing out what we have at stake,” he said.

“We’ll hammer the point home,” the villagers agreed.

So they took five sharpened sticks and went out to where the five men were sleeping. Gus, the blacksmith, had brought his hammer and proceeded to open the first of the five coffins and nailed the vampire before he could fly.

“Hurry, Gus,” said the Mayor, “the other four are going batty.”

But Gus came up to him empty-handed. “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” he said, “but I got carried away and used up all five stakes on that first guy.”

“Idiot,” said the Mayor, “look what you’ve done! The other four have flipped their lids and flown the crypt!”

“It’s all my fault,” said Gus, “for putting all my pegs in one casket.”

This was discovered in 1944 by two scientists who were working in their lab on something else entirely. Sam, the younger man, came up to Ted, the older man, and said, “Say, Ted, how you getting on with that circular radio-wave of yours?”

“Not so good, Sam,” said Ted, showing him a diagram. “I’ve devised this thing to carry a magnetic current in a circle, but that’s all the farther I am. I call it a cyclotron.”

“What?” said Sam, abused. “Ten years we’ve been working on this project, and all you have is this diagram? Why, it’s nothing but a circle, a plain old cipher.”

“I never took up drafting,” Ted admitted sadly. “Anyhow, that’s the shape it should be.”

“Years of work, and you draw a cipher,” Sam muttered. “I’ll show you what I think of this diagram!”

And with that, he rolled the blueprint into a cylinder and ran it through the pencil-sharpener, leaving the scraps on the floor.

Immediately an angry crowd of janitors gathered, all of them telling the two scientists what they thought of that litter.

Instantly the building vanished in a white-hot blast, followed by a mushroom-shaped cloud.

And to this day, that’s what happens when you get a critical mass at a ground zero.

For the last item, I was going to give the history of Fallout . I had to save it for last because— Well, look for yourself…

That covers everything , doesn’t it?

Daniel Keyes is a reformed science-fiction editor (Marvel, some few years ago) turned high-school English teacher. Either of these dubious professions should be enough to keep a sensible man on the spectator’s side of a byline. If he didn’t write the stuff when he could buy it from himself, one might think the rigors of New York City’s blackboard jungle would prevent him from beginning now.

One way and another, it is difficult to believe that this is Keyes’ second published story—much more difficult after reading it than before.

progris riport 1—martch 5, 1965

Dr. Strauss says I shud rite down what I think and evrey thing that happins to me from now on. I dont know why but he says its importint so they will see if they will use me. I hope they use me. Miss Kinnian says maybe they can make me smart. I want to be smart. My name is Charlie Gordon. I am 37 years old and 2 weeks ago was my birthday. I have nuthing more to rite now so I will close for today.

progris riport 2—martch 6

I had a test today. I think I faled it. and I think that maybe now they wont use me. What happind is a nice young man was in the room and he had some white cards with ink spilled all over them. He sed Charlie what do you see on this card. I was very skared even tho I had my rabits foot in my pockit because when I was a kid I always faled tests in school and I spilled ink to.

I told him I saw a inkblot. He said yes and it made me feel good. I thot that was all but when I got up to go he stopped me. He said now sit down Charlie we are not thru yet. Then I dont remember so good but he wantid me to say what was in the ink. I dint see nuthing in the ink but he said there was picturs there other pepul saw some picturs. I coudnt see any picturs. I reely tryed to see. I held the card close up and then far away. Then I said if I had my glases I coud see better I usally only ware my glases in the movies or TV but I said they are in the closit in the hall. I got them. Then I said let me see that card agen I bet Ill find it now.

I tryed hard but I still coudnt find the picturs I only saw the ink. I told him maybe I need new glases. He rote somthing down on a paper and I got skared of faling the test. I told him it was a very nice inkblot with littel points al around the eges. He looked very sad so that wasnt it. I said please let me try agen. Ill get it in a few minits becaus Im not so fast somthnes. Im a slow reeder too in Miss Kinnians class for slow adults but I’m trying very hard.

He gave me a chance with another card that had 2 kinds of ink spilled on it red and blue.

He was very nice and talked slow like Miss Kinnian does and he explaned it to me that it was a raw shok. He said pepul see things in the ink. I said show me where. He said think. I told him I think a inkblot but that wasnt rite eather. He said what does it remind you—pretend something. I closd my eyes for a long time to pretend. I told him I pretned a fowntan pen with ink leeking all over a table cloth. Then be got up and went out.

I dont think I passd the raw shok test.

progris report 3—martch 7

Dr Strauss and Dr Nemur say it dont matter about the inkblots. I told them I dint spill the ink on the cards and I coudnt see anything in the ink. They said that maybe they will still use me. I said Miss Kinnian never gave me tests like that one only spelling and reading. They said Miss Kinnian told that I was her bestist pupil in the adult nite scool becaus I tryed the hardist and I reely wantid to lern. They said how come you went to the adult nite scool all by yourself Charlie. How did you find it. I said I askd pepul and sunibody told me where I shud go to lern to read and spell good. They said why did you want to. I told them becaus all my life I wantid to be smart and not dumb. But its very hard to be smart. They said you know it will probly be tempirery. I said yes. Miss Kinnian told me. I dont care if it herts.