Damon Knight - Orbit 17

Rintz fidgeted. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know.”

“Of course you don’t know. Ignorance abounds these days. It was Charlotte Bronte, of course.”

Sibyl turned toward Ann. “Now, what can I do for you? Tell me, dear Ann, what brings you here from cloud-filled Venus?”

“Grandmother, you remember when I wrote you a few years ago?”

“Yes, and you need not mention it. There’s no point in discussing it.”

“That’s what I was afraid of. I came to visit you anyway. I won a jingle contest that Bartz’s Soap Flakes had.”

“Ah, I see you serve the muse of poetry, too. Tell me, what could possibly rhyme with Bartz?”

“Never mind that. Tell me, Grandmother. Who will inherit all your fortune if you should—uh—pass away?”

“Why, one of my children, or one of their children. I suppose you would, my dear. But that won’t happen. The doctors don’t know why, but I just keep on living, year after boring year. I’ll be one thousand one hundred and eighty-seven next July.”

“Of course, you might die if you were injured or something, wouldn’t you?”

“That’s not likely to happen. Glaucus here will protect me, won’t you, Glaucus?” The robot nodded. “I’m trying to educate him, but he still remains the latest model in guard-robots. Why, Glaucus could snuff you both out like votive candles. But what a morbid conversation. Don’t you young people have anything more cheerful to talk about? What were you doing on Venus before you won the soap-flakes contest?”

“I was a waitress. Times are hard for most of us these days.”

“Well, don’t worry, my dear. You’ll make your way in the world. Why, when I was a little girl, I used to— Say, I just remembered that I’ve got to watch a poetry program on the TV. I hate to be rude, but Glaucus will show you out. Run along now, and do come back and visit me before you leave for that stinky planet.” She sniffed the air, and looked at Rintz. “Yes, a very stinky planet.”

“Thank you for seeing us, Grandmother. We’ll be back to see you and I think we’ll bring you a present.” Ann took Rintz’s arm and they walked out, escorted by Glaucus.

Glaucus rolled back a minute later. “Do you want your tea, madam?”

“Yes, that would be nice. Such a charming couple, don’t you think?”

“A bit peculiar, madam. I think you were a little impolite to that green gentleman.”

“He was no gentleman, Glaucus. I recognize a Venerian swamp pirate, even if you don’t. He certainly smelled awful, even after I took his cigar away. I’ve met Venerians before, but he smelled quite odd, now that I think of it.”

“If you say so, madam.”

“I wonder what that smell reminds me of?” She opened the little box on the bookshelf and took out Rintz’s cigar. “Beastly things, cigars. I have an idea, Glaucus. My seventh husband smoked cigars, and he always made sure that they were kept in airtight cases.”

“So that they wouldn’t dry up, I would guess.”

“Yes, but another reason as well. Tobacco takes in any stray odors very easily. I want you to take this cigar down to the basement. My fourth husband was a chemistry nut, and I think most of his automatic analyzing equipment is still working. Find out what smells are in this cigar.”

Glaucus took the cigar from her and turned around.

“Oh, Glaucus, wait until after tea.”

“Yes, madam.” If robots could sigh, Glaucus would probably have sighed.

Two days later the doorbell rang and Glaucus answered it.

It was Ann and Rintz. Rintz was carrying a wooden box under his arm.

Glaucus opened the door. “Tradesmen to the rear, please.”

“We’re not tradesmen,” said Ann. “Don’t you remember us?” “Yes. I was practicing humor. Your grandmother is trying to teach me about jokes. I applied her third rule and called you something that you were not. Was it funny?”

“Not very. Is Grandmother home?”

“She is always home, Miss Hall. I don’t believe she has left this house in the last hundred years. She said to show you in if you came back.”

When Ann and Rintz moved to enter, Glaucus blocked their path. “I must apologize. I am a guard-robot, and it is my function to guard madam. May I see what you have in the box?”

Rintz smiled and handed the box to Glaucus. “It’s a present for Ann’s grandmother. A present all the way from Venus.”

Glaucus opened the box and reached inside. He pulled out a small animal that looked just like a tiger-striped cat. “Is this a domestic cat?”

Ann patted the cat. It purred and wriggled in Glaucus’ hand. “This is a tame cat from Venus. A very unusual present.”

“Yes, I would say so. Madam has shown me pictures of cats. All Earth pets were outlawed a long time ago. How did you get this past customs?” He put the cat back in the box and handed it back to Rintz.

“We put it to sleep and hid it inside a fur coat. May I see my grandmother? We have to go back to Venus tonight.”

Glaucus led them to the sunroom, where Sibyl was reading poetry.

“Madam, here is your granddaughter and her companion.”

“ ‘Far less than Mites, on Mites they prey / Minutest Things may Swarms contain / When o’er your Iv’ry Teeth they stray / Then throb your little Nerves with Pain.’ ” Sibyl turned around to her guests. “Oh, it’s you again. I had no idea you’d be back so soon. Glaucus, bring some tea for our guests.” As Glaucus rolled out of the room, she continued, “What brings you back so soon? Not more gloomy conversation, I hope. I was just reading Richard Savage. Charming fellow, he was.”

“Yes, Grandmother. We brought you a gift, all the way from Venus.” Ann looked to make sure that the robot was still out of the room. “Yes, we brought you a kitty-cat all the way from Venus. It’s well trained and housebroken. Rintz trained it himself.”

“Why, thank you. I haven’t seen a kitty in ages. How did you know I loved cats?”

Glaucus rolled in with a tea tray. As he served tea, Sibyl said, “Well, where’s my present? I just love kitties.”

Rintz reached inside his shirt. There was a faint humming sound; Glaucus fell over with a crash. Rintz stood up. “Your robot seems to have something wrong with it.” He examined the robot and sat down again.

“Poor thing. He’s always been so good. I’ll call the repair service and they’ll bring me one while he’s being fixed. I’d hate to waste all the training I’ve given good old Glaucus.” She reached for the phone.

Ann said, “Wait till we’re gone, Grandmother. We’ve got to go home soon. Don’t you want to see your present?” She carefully opened the box. Inside, the cat lay and purred. “Come on, kitty, come out and see Grandmother.” The cat still lay there. Ann turned to Rintz. “The damn thing won’t come out of the box.”

Sibyl spoke. “Here, maybe I can coax it out.” Ann and Rintz looked at each other and smiled. “Yes, Grandmother, coax it out.”

Sibyl reached behind her chair and pulled out a small brown package. She unwrapped it. Inside was a bloody piece of steak.

The cat wrinkled its nose and sat up. It leaped out of the box, across the room, and tore the steak out of Sibyl’s hands. It quickly devoured the steak, then leaped up on the table beside Sibyl.

Ann was visibly startled. “Why did it hit the steak, Rintz?”

“You mean,” said Sibyl, “why didn’t it tear me to pieces instead?”

“Uh, er, no, Grandmother. What would give you that idea?”

Sibyl took a piece of paper out of her pocket and read from it. “ ‘The kirsk is a native of the planet Venus. Normally a docile animal, it will attack any warm-blooded creature without provocation. The natives of Venus . ..’ That’s you, Mr. Jawakian. ‘The natives of Venus protect themselves and their animals by using the juice of the paug plant smeared over their bodies, which neutralizes the kirsk’s hostile tendencies.’ ” She petted the kirsk, which purred and playfully batted her hand. “Nice kitty-kirsk. Thank you for such a nice present.”