Damon Knight: Orbit 19

“Down.” The girl mused over that word, one that had been giving her trouble as long as she could remember, and thought she might finally have understood it. She had seen pictures of places where down was always the same direction, and they were strange to the eye. They were full of tables to put things on, chairs to sit in, and funny containers with no tops. Five of the six walls of rooms on planets could hardly be used at all. One, the “floor,” was called on to take all the use.

“So they use their legs to fight gravity with?” She was yawning now.

“Yes. You’ve seen pictures of the people with the funny legs. They’re not so funny when you’re in gravity. Those flat things on the ends are called feet. If they had peds like us, they wouldn’t be able to walk so good. They always have to have one foot touching the floor, or they’d fall toward the surface of the planet.”

Zoe tightened the strap that held the child to her bunk, and fastened the velcro patch on the blanket to the side of the sheet, tucking her in. Kids needed a warm snug place to sleep. Zoe preferred to float free in her own bedroom, tucked into a fetal position and drifting.

“G’night, Mommy.”

“Good night. You get some sleep, and don’t worry about black holes.”

But the child dreamed of them, as she often did. They kept tugging at her, and she would wake breathing hard and convinced that she was going to fall into the wall in front of her.

“You don’t mean it? I’m rich!”

Xanthia looked away from the screen. It was no good pointing out that Zoe had always spoken of the trip as a partnership. She owned Shirley and Lollipop.

“Well, you too, of course. Don’t think you won’t be getting a real big share of the money. I’m going to set you up so well that you’ll be able to buy a ship of your own, and raise little copies of yourself if you want to.”

Xanthia was not sure that was her idea of heaven, but said nothing.

“Zoe, there’s a problem, and I . . . well, I was—” But she was interrupted again by Zoe, who would not hear Xanthia’s comment for another thirty seconds.

“The first data is coming over the telemetry channel right now, and I’m feeding it into the computer. Hold on a second while I turn the ship. I’m going to start decelerating in about one minute, based on these figures. You get the refined data to me as soon as you have it.”

There was a brief silence.

“What problem?”

“It’s talking to me, Zoe. The hole is talking to me.”

This time the silence was longer than the minute it took the radio signal to make the round trip between ships. Xanthia furtively thumbed the contrast knob, turning her sister-mother down until the screen was blank. She could look at the camera and Zoe wouldn’t know the difference.

Damn, damn, she thinks I’ve flipped. But I had to tell her.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Just what I said. I don’t understand it, either. But it’s been talking to me for the last hour, and it says the damnedest things.”

There was another silence.

“All right. When you get there, don’t do anything, repeat, anything, until I arrive. Do you understand?”

“Zoe, I’m not crazy. I’m not.“

Then why am I crying?

“Of course you’re not, baby, there’s an explanation for this and I’ll find out what it is as soon as I get there. You just hang on. My first rough estimate puts me alongside you about three hours after you’re stationary relative to the hole.”

Shirley and Lollipop, traveling parallel courses, would both be veering from their straight-line trajectories to reach the hole. But Xanthia was closer to it; Zoe would have to move at a more oblique angle and would be using more fuel. Xanthia thought four hours was more like it.

“I’m signing off,” Zoe said. “I’ll call you back as soon as I’m in the groove.”

Xanthia hit the off button on the radio and furiously unbuckled her seatbelt. Damn Zoe, damn her, damn her, damn her. Just sit tight, she says. I’ll be there to explain the unexplainable. It’ll be all right.

She knew she should start her deceleration, but there was something she must do first.

She twisted easily in the air, grabbing at braces with all four hands, and dived through the hatch to the only other living space in Lollipop: the exercise area. It was cluttered with equipment that she had neglected to fold into the walls, but she didn’t mind; she liked close places. She squirmed through the maze like a fish gliding through coral, until she reached the wall she was looking for. It had been taped over with discarded manual pages, the only paper she could find on Lollipop . She started ripping at the paper, wiping tears from her cheeks with one ped as she worked. Beneath the paper was a mirror.

How to test for sanity? Xanthia had not considered the question; the thing to do had simply presented itself and she had done it. Now she confronted the mirror and searched for . . . what? Wild eyes? Froth on the lips?

What she saw was her mother.

Xanthia’s life had been a process of growing slowly into the mold Zoe represented. She had known her pug nose would eventually turn down. She had known what baby fat would melt away. Her breasts had grown just into the small cones she knew from her mother’s body and no farther.

She hated looking in mirrors.

Xanthia and Zoe were small women. Their most striking feature was the frizzy dandelion of yellow hair, lighter than their bodies. When the time had come for naming, the young clone had almost opted for Dandelion until she came upon the word xanthic in a dictionary. The radio call-letters for Lollipop happened to be X-A-N, and the word was too good to resist. She knew, too, that Orientals were thought of as having yellow skin, though she could not see why.

Why had she come here, of all places? She strained toward the mirror, fighting her repulsion, searching her face for signs of insanity. The narrow eyes were a little puffy, and as deep and expressionless as ever. She put her hands to the glass, startled in the silence to hear the multiple clicks as the long nails just missed touching the ones on the other side. She was always forgetting to trim them.

Sometimes, in mirrors, she knew she was not seeing herself. She could twitch her mouth, and the image would not move. She could smile, and the image would frown. It had been happening for two years, as her body put the finishing touches on its eighteen-year process of duplicating Zoe. She had not spoken of it, because it scared her.

“And this is where I come to see if I’m sane,” she said aloud, noting that the lips in the mirror did not move. “Is she going to start talking to me now?” She waved her arms wildly, and so did Zoe in the mirror. At least it wasn’t that bad yet; it was only the details that failed to match: the small movements, and especially the facial expressions. Zoe was inspecting her dispassionately and did not seem to like what she saw. That small curl at the edge of the mouth, the almost brutal narrowing of the eyes . . .

Xanthia clapped her hands over her face, then peeked out through the fingers. Zoe was peeking out, too. Xanthia began rounding up the drifting scraps of paper and walling her twin in again with new bits of tape.

The beast with two backs and legs at each end writhed, came apart, and resolved into Xanthia and Zoe, drifting, breathing hard. They caromed off the walls like monkeys, giving up their energy, gradually getting breath back under control. Golden, wet hair and sweaty skin brushed against each other again and again as they came to rest.