Jasper Fforde: Lost in a Good Book

‘Good. This is my Footnoterphone number in case of emergencies, these are the keys to the flying boat and my BMW. If someone named Arnold calls, tell him he had his chance and he blew it. Any questions?’

‘I don’t think so.’

She smiled.

‘Then we’re done. You’ll like it here. It’s pretty odd. I’ll see you in about a year. So long!’

She gave a cheery wave and walked off up the dusty track. I looked across the lake at the faraway dinghies, then watched a pair of swans beating their wings furiously and pedalling the water to take off. I sat down on a rickety wooden seat and let Pickwick out of the bag. It wasn’t home but it looked pleasant enough. Landen’s reactualisation was in the uncharted future, along with Aornis’s and Goliath’s come-uppance—but all in good time. I would miss Mum, Dad, Joffy, Bowden, Victor and maybe even Cordelia. But it wasn’t all bad news—at least this way I wouldn’t have to do The Thursday Next Workout Video .

As my father said, it’s funny the way things turn out.

‘Thursday Next!’

‘Miss Next—hello’ Testing, testing One, two, three.’

‘If you’re busy, Miss Next, we can talk later.’

‘The name is Snell, Akrid Snell. Who was that disturbingly attractive woman in the tight pink sweater?’

‘Really? Is she married?’

‘Sorry. Should have said. I’m the defence attorney allocated to your case.’

‘Of course not! That’s our defence strategy in a nutshell. You are completely innocent. If we can convince the examining magistrate we can probably get a postponement.’

‘Miss Next, I’m so sorry, I had to take a call. Portia again: she wanted to discuss the timing of her “drop of blood” defence. Bit of a feisty one, that Your hearing is next Thursday—so be prepared!’

‘That’s good, Thursday. Can I call you Thursday? Keep up that sort of wide-eyed innocent babe-in-the-woods stuff and we’ll have you off the hook quicker than you can say verruca.’

‘I’ll explain it all when we meet. Sorry to have to communicate with you in footnotes but I’m due in court in ten minutes. Don’t speak to anyone at all about the case and I’ll see you on Thursday, Thursday. That’s quite funny, that “Thursday… Thursday “ Hmm Maybe not. Got to go. Remember speak to no one about the case and if you have a moment, see if you can find out anything about that Flakk girl’s domestic arrangements. Well, chin-chin and toodle-pip.’

‘Thursday, for heaven’s sake, what have you done?!’

‘I told you not to talk to anyone about your case!’

‘How can I be expected to help you if you go and blab everything to the prosecution?’

‘Why, Hopkins, you idiot! You pretty much confessed there and then on your own doorstep. This is going to really screw things up for us. Don’t speak to anyone about anything , for Christ’s sake—do you want to spend the next thousand readings imprisoned in Castle Doubting or something?’

‘No time. I’ll speak to you before we go into court. Remember don’t talk to anyone at all about the case. By the way, did you manage to find anything out about that delightfully odd Flakk girlie?’

‘Really? That is interesting news. Well, must dash Pip-pip.’

‘Miss Next? Havisham speaking!’

‘I hope you didn’t say what I thought I heard you say!’

‘I am here, young lady, but I am shocked by your coarse language!’

‘Really? Well, I will not hear it from my apprentices. But I forgive you, I suppose. I need you to attend to me right now. Norland Park, Chapter 5, paragraph one—you’ll find it in the travel book Mrs Nakajima left for you.’

‘Loud and clear, whiskers pressed, fed and watered, boots on and laced, ready to—’

‘Not yet—none of the names appears in the Register of Fictioneers. I’m just going through the reams of unpublished characters from the Well of Lost Plots—it might take some time.’

‘I hope I’m mistaken but you’ve got the Questing Beast approaching from the south-east—a hundred yards and closing.’

‘He’s in Middlemarch at the moment. I’ll try him on the Footnoterphone—but you know how deaf he is.’

‘He’s not answering. Do you know, this reminds me of the time the Demogorgon met Medusa in the 1923 “Miss Loathsome” competition—’

‘Coming up!’

‘Any second now, Tweedy.’