Jasper Fforde - The Well of Lost Plots

'Are you invited?'

'We all are,' she breathed excitedly. 'Apparently the organisers are borrowing a displacement field technology from SF. The long and short of it is that we will all be able to fit in the Starlight Room — it's going to be quite an event!'

'It certainly will,' I said, going upstairs. Lola followed me and watched from my bed as I changed out of Mary's clothes.

'You're quite important at Jurisfiction, aren't you?'

'Not really,' I replied, trying to do up my trouser button and realising that it was tighter than normal.

'Blast!' I said.

'What?'

'My trousers are too small.'

'Shrunk?'

'No …' I replied, staring into the mirror. There was no doubt about it. I was starting to put on a small amount of girth. I stared at it this way and that and Lola did the same, trying to figure out what I was looking at.

Catalogue shopping from the inside was a lot more fun than I had thought. Lola squeaked with delight at all the clothes on offer and tried about thirty different types of perfume before deciding not to buy any at all — she, in common with nearly all bookpeople, had no sense of smell. Watching her was like letting a child loose in a toy store — and her energy for shopping was almost unbelievable. It was while we were on the lingerie page that she asked me about Randolph.

'What do you think of him?'

'Oh, he's fine,' I replied non-committally, sitting on a chair and thinking of babies while Lola tried on one bra after another, each of which she seemed to love to bits until the next one. 'Why do you ask?'

'Well, I rather like him in a funny kind of way.'

'Does he like you?'

'I'm not sure. I think that's why he ignores me and makes jokes about my weight. Men always do that when they're interested. It's called subtext, Thursday — I'll tell you all about it some day.'

'Okay,' I said slowly, 'so what's the problem?'

'He doesn't really have a lot of, well, charisma .'

'There are lots of men out there, Lola,' I told her. 'Don't hurry. When I was seventeen I had the hots for this complete and utter flake named Darren. My mother disapproved, which made him into something of a magnet.'

'Ah!' said Lola. 'What about this bra?'

'I thought the pink suited you better.'

'Which pink? There were twelve.'

'The sixth pink, just after the tenth black and nineteenth lacy.'

'Okay, let's look at that one again.'

She rummaged through the pile, found what she wanted and said:

'Thursday?'

'Yes?'

'Randolph calls me a tart because I like boys. Do you think that's fair?'

'It's one of the great injustices of life,' I told her. 'If he did the same he'd be toasted as a "ladies' man". But Lola, have you met anyone who you really liked, someone with whom you'd like to spend more exclusive time?'

'You mean — a boyfriend?'

'Yes.'

She paused and looked at herself in the mirror.

'I don't think I'm written that way, Thurs. But you know, sometimes, just afterwards, you know, when there is that really nice moment and I'm in his big strong arms and feeling sleepy and warm and contented, I can feel there is something that I need just outside my grasp — something I want but can't have.'

'You mean love?'

'No — a Mercedes.'

She wasn't joking. [16]

It was my footnoterphone.

'Hang on, Lola — Thursday speaking.' [17]

I looked at Lola, who was trying on a basque.

'Yes,' I replied, 'why?' [18]

'The safe side of what?' [19]

'I see. What can I do for you apart from answering questions about pianos?' [20]

I wasn't busy. Apart from a Jurisfiction session tomorrow at midday, I was clear.

'Sure. Where and when?' [21]

'Okay.'

Lola was looking at me mournfully.

'Does this mean we'll have to miss out on the gym? We have to go to the gym — if I don't I'll feel guilty about eating all those cakes.'

'What cakes?'

'The ones I'm going to eat on the way to the gym.'

'I think you get enough exercise, Lola. But we've got half an hour yet — c'mon, I'll buy you a coffee.'

The Gryphon was a creature with the head and wings of an eagle and the body of a lion. In his youth he must have been a frightening creature to behold, but in his later years he wore spectacles and a scarf, which somewhat dented his otherwise fearsome appearance.

He was, I was told, one of the finest legal eagles around, and after Snell's death he became head of the Jurisfiction legal team. It was the Gryphon who managed to secure the record pay-out following the celebrated Farmer’s Wife v. Three Blind Mice case and was instrumental in reducing Nemo's piracy charges to 'accidental manslaughter'.

The Gryphon was reading my notes when I arrived and made small and incomprehensible noises as he flicked through the pages, grunting here and there and staring at me over his spectacles with large eyes.

'Well!' he said. 'We should be in for some fun now!'

'Fun?' I repeated. 'Defending a Class II fiction infraction?'

'I'm prosecuting a class action for blindness against the Triffids this afternoon,' said the Gryphon soberly, 'and the Martians' war crimes trial in War of the Worlds just drags on and on. Believe me, a fiction infraction is fun. Do you want to see my case load?'

'No thanks.'

'Okay. We'll see what their witnesses have to say and how Hopkins presents his case. I may decide not to put you on the stand. Please don't do anything stupid like grow — it nearly destroyed Alice's case there and then. And if the Queen orders your head to be cut off, ignore her.'

'Okay.' I sighed. 'Let's get on with it.'

The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their thrones when we arrived, but they were the only people in the courtroom who were seemingly composed — Alice's exit two pages earlier had caused a considerable amount of distress to the jury, who were back in their places but were bickering furiously with the foreman, a rabbit who stared back at them, nibbling a large carrot that he had somehow smuggled in.

The Knave of Hearts was being escorted back to the cells and the tarts — exhibit 'A' — were being taken away and replaced by the original manuscript of Jane Eyre . Seated before the King and Queen was prosecuting attorney Matthew Hopkins and a collection of very severe-looking birds. He glared at me with barely concealed venom. He looked a lot less amused than when we last crossed swords in The Trial , and he hadn't looked particularly amused then. The King was obviously the judge because he wore a large wig, but quite which part the Queen of Hearts was to play in the proceedings, I had no idea.

The twelve jurors calmed down and all started writing busily on their slates.

'What are they doing?' I whispered to the Gryphon. 'The trial hasn't even begun yet!'

'Silence in court!' yelled the White Rabbit in a shrill voice.