Jasper Fforde - The Well of Lost Plots

I found an alleyway and tied the sheepdog to a downpipe; it was neither useful nor necessary to lead a dog around town for the next few hours. I walked carefully down the road, past a family butcher's, a tea room and a sweet shop selling nothing but gobstoppers, bull's-eyes, ginger beer, lemonade and liquorice. A few doors farther on I found a newsagent and post office combined. The outside of the small shop was liberally covered with enamel signs advertising Fry's chocolates, Colman's starch, Wyncarnis tonic, Ovaltine and Lyons cakes. A small sign told me I could use the telephone, and a rack of postcards shared the pavement with boxes of fresh veg. There was also a display of newspapers, the headlines reflecting the inter-war politics of the book.

Britain voted favourite empire tenth year running , said one. Foreigners untrustworthy, study shows , said another. A third led with: ' Spiffing ' — new buzzword sweeps nation .

I posted the cheque to Johnny's father with a covering letter explaining that it was an old loan repaid. Almost immediately a postman appeared on a bicycle and removed the letter — the only one in the postbox, I noted — with the utmost reverence, taking it into the post office where I could hear cries of wonderment. There weren't many letters in Shadow , I assumed. I stood outside the shop for a moment, watching the townsfolk going about their business. Without warning one of the carthorses decided to drop a huge pile of dung in the middle of the road. In a trice a villager had run across with a bucket and shovel and removed the offending article almost as soon as it had happened. I watched for a while and then set off to find the local auctioneers.

'So let me get this straight,' said the auctioneer, a heavy-set and humourless man with a monocle screwed into his eye, 'you want to buy pigs at treble the going rate? Why?'

'Not anyone's pigs,' I replied wearily, having spent the last half-hour trying to explain what I wanted, 'Johnny's father's pigs.'

'Quite out of the question,' muttered the auctioneer, getting to his feet and walking to the window. He did it a lot, I could tell — there was a worn patch right through the carpet to the floorboards beneath, but only from his chair to the window. There was another worn patch from the door to a side table — the use of which I was yet to understand. Considering his limitations I guessed the auctioneer was no more than a C-9 Generic — it explained the difficulty in persuading him to change anything.

'We do things to a set formula here,' added the auctioneer, 'and we don't very much like change.'

He walked back to his desk, turned to face me and wagged a reproachful finger.

'And believe me, if you try anything a bit rum at the auction I can discount your bid.'

We stared at each other. This wasn't working.

'Tea and cake?' asked the auctioneer, walking to the window again.

'Thank you,' I replied.

'Splendid!' he enthused, rubbing his hands together and returning to his desk. 'They tell me there is nothing quite so refreshing as a cup of tea!'

He flipped the switch on the intercom.

'Miss Pittman, would you bring in some tea, please?'

The door opened instantaneously to reveal his secretary holding a tray of tea things. She was in her late twenties, and pretty in an English rose sort of way; she wore a floral summer dress under a fawn cardigan.

Miss Pittman followed the smoothly worn floorboards and carpet from the door to the side table. She curtsied and laid the tea things next to an identical tray left from an earlier occasion. She threw the old tea tray out of the window and I heard the soft tinkle of broken crockery; I had seen a large pile of broken tea things outside the window when I arrived. The secretary paused, hands pressed tightly together.

'Shall … shall I pour you a cup?' she asked, a flush rising to her cheeks.

'Thank you!' exclaimed Mr Phillips, walking excitedly to the window and back again. 'Milk and—'

'—one sugar.' His secretary smiled shyly. 'Yes, yes … I know.'

'But of course you do!' He smiled back.

Then the next stage of this odd charade took place. The auctioneer and secretary moved to the place where their two worn paths were closest, the very outer limits that their existence allowed them. Miss Pittman held the cup by its rim, placed her toes right on the edge where carpet began and shiny floorboard ended, stretching out as far as she could. Mr Phillips did the same on his side of the divide. The tips of his fingers could just touch the rim of the cup but try as he might he could not reach far enough to grasp it.

'Allow me,' I said, unable to watch the cruel spectacle any longer. I passed the cup from one to the other.

How many cups of tea had gone cold in the past thirty-five years? I wondered. How uncrossable the six foot of carpet that divided them! Whoever Event Managed this book down in the Well was possessed of a cruel sense of humour.

Miss Pittman curtsied politely and departed while the auctioneer watched her go. He sat down at his desk, eyeing the teacup thirstily. He licked his lips and rubbed his fingertips in expectation, then took a sip and savoured the moment lovingly.

'Oh my goodness!' he said deliriously. 'Even better than I thought it would be!'

He took another sip and closed his eyes with the sheer delight of it.

'Where were we?' he asked.

I took a deep breath.

'I want you to buy Johnny's father's pigs with an offer that purports to come from an unknown buyer — and as close to the top of page two hundred and thirty-two as you can.'

'Utterly impossible!' said the auctioneer. 'You are asking me to change the narrative! I will have to see higher authority.'

I passed him my Jurisfiction ID card. It wasn't like me to pull rank, but I was getting desperate.

'I'm on official business sanctioned by the Council of Genres itself through Text Grand Central.' It was how I thought Miss Havisham might do it.

'You forget that we are out of print pending modernisation,' he replied shortly, tossing my ID back across the table. 'You have no mandatory powers here, Apprentice Next. I think Jurisfiction will look very carefully before attempting a change on a book without internal approval. You can tell the Bellman that, from me.'

We stared at each other, a diplomatic impasse having arrived. I had an idea and asked him:

'How long have you been an auctioneer in this book?'

'Thirty-six years.'

'And how many cups of tea have you had in that time?' I asked him.

' Including this one?'

I nodded.

'One.'

I leaned forward.

'I can fix it for you to have as many cups of tea as you want, Mr Phillips.'

He narrowed his eyes.

'Oh yes?' he replied. 'And how would you manage that? As soon as you've got what you want you'll be off and I'll never be able to reach Miss Pittman's proffered cup again!'

I stood up and went to the table on which the tea tray was sitting. It was a small table made of oak and lightly decorated. It had a vase of flowers on it, but nothing else. As Mr Phillips watched I picked up the table and placed it next to the window. The auctioneer looked at me dumbfounded, got up, walked to the window and delicately touched the table and the tea things.

An audacious move,' he said, waving the sugar tongs at me, 'but it won't work. She's a D-7 — she won't be able to change what she does.'

'D-7s never have names, Mr Phillips.'

' I gave her that name,' he said quietly. 'You're wasting your time.'

'Let's see, shall we?' I replied, speaking into the intercom to ask Miss Pittman to bring in more tea.

The door opened as before and a look of shock and surprise crossed the girl's face.