Robert Asprin - M.Y.T.H. Inc In Action

"Got it," she sez, noddin' vigorous-like,

"... and stay away from Snake," Nunzio sez, "you want help ... you come to us!"

"Sure thing ... and you guys remember, if you need any help ... well, if there's anything you think I can help you with, you let me know and I'll be there. Okay?"

"That goes for the rest of us too, Swatter," Shu Flie sez, grabbin' my hand and pumpin' it once. "You give the word, and we'll come runnin'."

"I'll remember," I sez. "Just let us know when you all get out. We wouldn't want to interfere with your army duties."

I meant this as a kind of a joke, but they all seemed to take it serious.

"Don't worry about that," Junebug sez, lookin' me in the eye hard-like. "We know where our first loyalties lie ... and you do, too."

Like I said, it wasn't an easy partin'. The hardest part, though, was knowin' that whatever we said about them lookin' us up, the odds were that if they did try, they probably wouldn't be able to find us. As soon as this assignment is over, we'll be headin' back to our headquarters at the Bazaar, and unless they learn how to dimension travel ...

"So what do we do now?" Tananda sez, pullin' my mind away from my memories and bringin' it back to the present. "Pack it up and head for home?"

"I believe there is one more option which I brought up at the beginning of this assignment," Massha sez slowly, starin' into her wine.

It takes me a second to remember, but finally it comes back to me.

"You mean, whackin' the queen?" I sez.

She nods. Then there is a long time when no one sez anything as each of us thinks it through.

"Well," Nunzio sez finally. "I suppose we should give it a shot ... at least then we can say we tried everything before we gave up."

I hesitate a second longer, then nod my agreement.

"All right, cuz," I sez, "you're on. Big Julie, if you can find that gear we stored here before we enlisted, Nunzio and me can ..."

"Whoa ... stop ... HOLD IT!!" Massha sez, holdin' up a hand. "Who said you two were going to be the ones to go after the queen?"

"Well ... it's oblivious, ain't it?" I sez, a little annoyed that my attempt to grab the assignment has been thwarted, but willin' to try to bluff my way through. "I mean, this is right up our alley ... seein's as how it is what we are trained to do."

"... And from what you've said about your disagreements with your drill instructor, that training is geared more toward enforcing than killing."

"Don't you worry about that," Nunzio sez, givin' her a tight little smile. "We're just against unnecessary killing. In this case, it seems that it's necessary."

"Well, when I suggested it, I figured that I was going to be the one to go after her," Massha sez, with no trace of her normal "happy-fat-lady-vamp" act.

"You?" I sez. "Excuse me for pointin' it out, Massha, but though you're more than a little intimidatin' physically, I don't think that physical acts are your forte."

"Who said anything about getting physical?" she sez, holdin' up her ring-laden hands. "You think I wear all this stuff for decoration ... or ballast? I've got a few toys here that should take care of things just fine."

Although she is still a beginner in the natural magik department, Massha held her own as a city magician for a long time before she signed on as the Boss's apprentice on the strength of the mechanical magikal gear she has collected ... most of which is in the form of jewelry. While I have suspected as much ever since we first met, this is the first time that she has confirmed that at least some of her baubles are of a lethal variety.

"Besides," she finishes, crossin' her arms decisively. "I'm Skeeve's apprentice ... so the job falls to me."

"... And we're his bodyguards who are specifically supposed to eliminate any threats to the Boss's well being," Nunzio snaps back. "While I don't doubt your sincerity or the reliability of your toys, Massha, whackin' somebody takes experience ... and Guido and I are the only ones on the team with experience in that area."

"Aren't you forgetting something, boys?" Tananda purrs, breakin' into the argument.

"What's that, Tananda?"

"While you two may be trained and experienced as generalists in controlled violence, part of my background is specifically as an assassin. By your own logic, then, it looks like the unpleasant task falls to me."

"Not to spoil your fun, little sister," Chumley sez, "but I was rather counting on giving it a go myself."

"You?" Tananda laughs. "Come on, big brother, you've still got your arm in a sling."

"What ... this?" the troll sez, glancin' down at his arm. "It's hardly worth mentioning, really."

He pulls his arm out of the sling and wiggles his fingers, then sets his elbow on the table beside him.

"Do any of you want to try arm wrestling with me? Or will you concede the point?"

"Really, Chumley," Tananda sez, ignorin' the challenge, "just because that thick hide of yours is hard to get through ..."

"... Is the exact reason why I'm the logical choice for the assignment," the troll finishes with a smile.

"... Except for the minor detail of your appearance." Massha adds. "Sorry, Chumley, but you're the last of us I'd figure for the assignment. Any of the rest of us could pass for natives, but you'd stand out like a sore thumb without a disguise spell."

"So I borrow little sister's makeup mirror."

"Not a chance," Tananda sez, stubborn-like.

"... Or I simply borrow a hooded cloak or something for a disguise," Chumley continues smoothly as if she hasn't spoken. "How about it, Big Julie? Have you got anything lying around in an extra-extra large?"

"As a matter of fact," the retired general sez, "I was thinking of doing the job myself."

"What?"

"You?"

"That's ..."

"... BECAUSE," Big Julie continues, silencing us all with the simple technique of raisin' that voice of his to an authoritative level, "because I'm an old man and therefore the most expendable."

We all sink back into our chairs, too embarrassed to look at each other. With these few words, he has gotten to the heart of what was prompting our apparently bloodthirsty argument.

"I've been listening to all of you," he sez, takin' advantage of our uneasy silence, "and what nobody seems to want to say out loud is that trying to assassinate the queen is pretty much a suicide mission. Political leaders ... and particularly royalty ... are the best guarded folks in any nation. Even if you can get to them, which is uncertain at best, the odds of getting away afterward are so small they aren't even worth considering."

He looks around the gatherin'.

"Of course, I don't have to tell you this because you all know it already. That's why each of you is so eager to take the job ... to let the others off the hook by nobly sacrificing yourself. Well, my advice, as your tactical advisor, is to forget the whole thing and go home ... since I don't believe Skeeve ever intended for things to go this far ... or, if you're determined to have the queen killed, then to let me do it. Like I said before, I'm an old man who's doing nothing but idling away my retirement with petty self-indulgences. All of you are contributing more to life, and are therefore more valuable, than I am. Besides," he lets a little grin play across his face, "it might be kinda fun to see a little action just one more time. I never really figured on dying in bed."

"That's sweet of you, Big Julie," Tananda sez, "but it's totally out of the question. Even though you've worked with us as an advisor, you're not really part of the team ... and I'm sure this is one job Skeeve wouldn't want us to subcontract."

"I think we're agreed at least on that," Massha sez, glancin' around our assemblage. "If it's going to be done, it's going to be done by one of us."