Robert Asprin - No Phule Like an Old Phule

"I'm sure I don't know what they're talking about, either, sir," said Beeker. "I have a strong suspicion who will know, though. If I may be so bold, shall we return to camp and speak to Mr. Qual?"

"Qual!" said Phule. "I think you're right, Beeker. Let's go see if we can get to the bottom of this. For starters, I think we're going to talk to Sushi." He hopped back into the hoverjeep, just as Asho and Tay-Shun began to strike the tents. By the time the hoverjeep was over the hill, they'd already gotten the first one folded and ready to pack into the shuttle.

"So all those funny lights in the desert are Qual's doing," said Phule, bemused.

"Yes, sir," said Sushi. He leaned forward, both his hands placed casually on Phule's desk. "That big machine of theirs, the sklern, is a hologram projector, programmable in real time, that they invented for psychological warfare. They were using our camp to test it, figuring this might be a useful base for it if the Nanoids ever became a hostile force."

"I ought to be annoyed that he didn't bother to tell me what he was doing, especially considering the trouble it got some of our people into," said Phule.

"I'd guess he was under orders not to," said Armstrong, the officer on duty. His rigid posture was the exact opposite of Sushi's. "Even allies have secrets from each other, you know. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that Legion HQ has a detailed plan for invading Zenobia if our friendship suddenly falls apart at the seams." He looked at Phule, who sat staring back at him without saying anything. After a moment, Armstrong looked away. "But I suppose that's none of my business until the situation arises," he added, lamely.

"Which none of us expects to happen," said Phule, quietly. He turned back to Sushi. "You've put me in something of an embarrassing spot, as well, you know," he said, wagging a pointed finger. "Spying on Qual could sour relations between us and the Zenobians. Even if Qual doesn't take it as hostile, his superiors might. Now we have to figure out what to do if Qual finds out about it."

"More importantly, we have to figure out how to prevent him from finding out about it," said Armstrong. "If they don't know that we know about their secret project, they can't hold it against us that we found it out by spying on them, if you follow my logic."

"I don't think so, Captain," said Sushi. "Qual wouldn't have set the thing up right in our faces if he was trying to keep it secret-let alone using it to help us get rid of those so-called hunters. That'd require a good bit of conscious duplicity, and I don't think the Zenobians think that way."

"If you've figured out how the Zenobians think, you're a couple of steps ahead of the rest of us," said Armstrong. "Half the time, I can't even figure out the plain sense of what they're saying, let along what might be behind it."

"Well, that's something we found out from the project Rev's been running," said Sushi. "Or rather, the project he recruited me to run for him, more or less, trying to find out about the Zenobians' legend of 'L'VlZ. Well, you saw yesterday what that came to--I thought Rev was going to be disappointed when he realized it was just a delayed copy of something he already knew about. He managed to turn it his own way, though. But that's not the whole story. Along the way, I've found out some very interesting things on my own. Things about the Zenobians' language, which is a lot weirder than I expected."

"I'm not surprised," said Phule. "I've probably spoken to as many of the natives as any human alive, and even with translators I wouldn't rate the communication as very fluent. A lot of the time what they say has nothing to do with what I've been saying. It's as if we're carrying on two separate conversations."

Sushi grinned. "Believe it or not, a lot of conversations between one Zenobian and another seem to be like that, as well. I know-I've been listening to quite a few of them talking. Their society doesn't seem to have a common language in the same sense that ours does."

"In light of certain locutions I've heard from the members of this company, I would consider it a debatable proposition that we have a common language," said Beeker. "Why, just this morning I heard one of the legionnaires say..." Phule's intercom buzzed. "Hold on a second, Beeks," he said, and lifted his wrist to his mouth. "What is it, Mother?" he asked.

"Flight Leftenant Qual wants to see you, cutie," said the saucy voice of Comm Central. "Ordinarily I'd have just sent him down, but seeing as how you have people in your office..."

"Ah, perfect! Send him in, Mother," said Phule. "No problem. In fact, I think he can clear up a few questions for us."

"Just make sure he's answering the same questions you're asking, lovey," said Mother. "I'm sending him down."

"Great," said Phule, and he broke the connection, smiling.

"I sure hope so, Captain," said Lieutenant Armstrong. He was definitely not smiling.

A few moments later, Flight Leftenant Qual entered. For the first time any of the legionnaires could remember, he was in mufti-a ragged outfit, half camouflage and half what looked like homemade garments. A straw hat that might have been stolen from an out-of-work farmhand completed the ensemble.

"Greetings, Captain Clown!" he said. "Acting on the advice of your legionnaire Thumper and the famous Environmental Dog, we have completed a worthy mission this day."

"So I hear," said Phule. "Uh, why don't you tell us about it, Qual, so we can get your viewpoint on the whole thing?"

"Of a certainty," said Qual. "The entire business began when Rawfish approached me as my team was calibrating the sklern. At first, I could not understand his purpose, although I believed it had to do with learning our secrets."

Sushi blushed. "Oh, no, that was totally the farthest thing from my mind," he said.

"Don't put yourself in a binder, Rawfish," said Qual. "The sklern is not a secret project, or we doubtlessly never would have come to your base to set it up."

"Not a secret?" Phule looked puzzled. "Your crew acted really evasive every time I or one of my people tried to ask what it was and why you were testing it here."

"Oh, I see what the problem was," said Sushi. "It's what I've been telling you about the Zenobian language, Captain. No two Zenobians speak exactly the same way, so our translators -don't work the way they're designed to. With most other sophonts, the differences between one speaker and another are pretty minimal, but if I've understood what Qual says, Zenobians vary all over the chart."

"And if the Zenobian gentleman is so hard to understand, how do you know that you do understand him?" asked Beeker. Everyone ignored him.

Armstrong wrinkled his brow. "You know-this could have security implications, Captain," he said.

"You're right, Armstrong," said Phule. He was grinning, now. "And I think I've got just the way to make use of that phenomenon."

"Make use of it?" Armstrong's eyes opened wide. "How in the world can we make use of an inability to communicate?"

"You're not thinking big enough," said Phule. "Modern industry and business need secure communication. Every businessman in the galaxy would give his eyeteeth for a really secure code. But as Sushi has shown us more than once, modem computers-in the right hands, and with a little bit of time-can break any code that's been devised."

"Well, maybe not everything," said Sushi, shrugging. "But I'd be willing to promise a pretty good success rate against most of the commercial stuff I've run across."

"From what I've seen, I'd rate you a lot better than pretty good," said Phule.

"Yes, Rawfish is a most intelligent human," agreed Qual, wagging his tail.

Phule grinned. "I'm sure he appreciates the endorsement. But here's my point, Sushi-how well would you do with an encrypted signal when the clear text was two Zenobians speaking in their own language?" Sushi looked at Phule a long moment, then said, "It'd slow me down a lot. I mean, in most communication you assume the two sides are speaking the same language, and with two Zenobians that's only mostly true. If you run it through an encryption circuit, on top of all that-I can't say my equipment would never figure it out, but it could sure make things tougher."