Robert Asprin - No Phule Like an Old Phule

"Never minding money," said Tusk-anini. "Why don't you taking Barky dog away so Tusk-anini can finish reading book? Am halfway through Old Earth classic and want to know how it comes out." He pointed to the thick volume on the floor. The spine of the book displayed the curious word, Dhalgren.

"Woof!" said Barky, the Environmental Dog, sniffing the book, but then Inspector Gardner clapped his hands, and a few moments later, the Environmental Dog and all the other visitors left the Officers' Lounge to Tusk-anini. With a snort of relief, the Volton stepped off the table and picked up his book. He wasn't quite sure where the story was leading, but on the whole it wasn't any stranger than most of the other human literature he'd read. Which, he thought as he settled down, wasn't saying very much...

The Fat Chance Casino was crowded as Ernie made his way through the gaming rooms. No surprise there; according to the local news taper, several large space liners had just made their regular stopovers at Lorelei, and the travel-weary passengers were eagerly getting what they'd come for: first-class dining, lavish entertainment, and highstakes gambling. The sight of all the expensively dressed suckers with fat credit accounts made Ernie's mouth water. It was every grifter's dream, and there were plenty of grifters willing to take advantage of it. Except in the Fat Chance Casino, where Captain Jester had ordered his security forces to clamp down on anything that might cut into the players' enjoyment--or the house's percentage. He stopped at the bar and ordered a drink-a tall glass of quinine water with a twist of lime. No alcohol tonight;

that had been another of his promises to Lola. Instead, he'd brought along an Aromacap: a tiny capsule filled with an aromatic oil that, rubbed on the skin, conveyed the exact odor of an expensive brand of imported gin. If the marks or casino security-thought he'd been drinking heavily, they were likely to underestimate him. Better yet, as long as he stuck to Aldebaran Amber Gin, Ernie had a fair chance of convincing Lola that he'd been using the Aromacap instead of knocking back a few G'n'T's while he was supposed to be working.

But this time, Ernie had promised Lola to stay straight. More importantly, he'd promised not to do anything that might draw the attention of security-either the casino's or Victor Phule's very professional bodyguard. That meant resisting the temptation to pocket any loose change that might be lying around, such as waiters' uncollected tips or customers' unattended handbags. And it meant not carrying any of a number of devices meant to increase the odds in his favor, devices generally frowned upon both by the casinos and by those players who were naive enough to expect that everyone else in the game was playing by the rules. Especially in the Fat Chance, the ownership took exception to such devices-and its guards seemed to have a better-than-average record at spotting them in use.

In most places, he'd have taken his chances and figured on tipping the security guards to turn a blind eye. But the Fat Chance Casino's policy was to expel any cheaters it caught not just from the casino, but from Lorelei itself and its guards were apparently tip-proof. If Ernie and Lola were identified as cheats, their chances of completing the mission that brought them here shrank very close to zero, as did their chances of convincing a certain Mr. V to let them keep breathing. That was good enough to convince Ernie to keep his hands to himself and leave his educated dice at home.

His specific mission tonight was to find either of the Phules, Willard (A.K.A. Captain Jester) or his father Victor. In principle, that was a no-brainer. He knew what both men looked like and had a fair idea where, in the public parts of the casino, they might be found this time of day. In practice, as his previous experience with the younger Phule had taught him, the job was far from easy.

On their previous visit to Lorelei, Ernie and Lola had laid a subtle trap to kidnap the captain of Omega Company, and on the space liner away from Lorelei Station, found themselves in custody of an Andromatic robot whose features were a dead ringer for Captain Jester's. The situation had fallen entirely apart when the robot had commandeered an escape pod and left the space liner entirely. Luckily, nobody on board ship had managed to connect them to the incident, or else (in addition to their other troubles) they might now be trying to figure out how to come up with the replacement value of a deep-space escape pod. Ernie had no idea whether the robot had been recovered or replaced; certainly the Phules could afford to do either.

But barring information to the contrary, he and Lola agreed that any Phule they encountered had to be considered a possible robot. Since their contract had said nothing about robots-since, in fact, Mr. V had been emphatically uninterested in hearing. about their misadventures-the two kidnappers needed to be sure they were getting the real thing. And with a high-priced bodyguard standing nearby, an experimental poke or pinch to determine the subject's reaction would not be a good idea.

Ernie drifted nonchalantly through the casino, stopping to look at the play at a table here or there, occasionally placing a small bet on a whim. If anyone were watching, they were likely to check him off as a bored dilettante, with no fixed purpose. But he gradually made his way toward the higher-priced rooms, where his quarry was likely to be playing, or watching the action. What would happen when he found one of the Phules remained to be seen. But he'd think of something, he was sure. He could always think of something.

"Well, I believe you've seen our whole camp," Phule said to the AEIOU inspectors. "I can see it's getting close to dinnertime; could I persuade you to stay for a taste of Omega Company's cooking? I think Sergeant Escrima is as fine a chef as you'll find in this arm of the Galaxy..."

"Is the food organic?" asked Slurry, a dubious expression on his face. "We absolutely insist on that."

"I believe you can take it for granted that Sergeant Escrima's offerings fulfill that requirement," said Beeker, his chin inching upward. "In fact, it is all but impossible to obtain nutrition from inorganic substances."

"The Nanoids seem to do just fine with sand," said Phule, grinning. "But I think. you're missing the point, Beeks." He turned back to the AEIOU team. "In fact, Escrima insists on only the freshest and purest ingredients-I ought to know, since I'm the one paying for them. And he prides himself on being able to supply a satisfying meal to anyone who walks into the mess hall. At the moment, he's responsible for feeding members of at least five different species and I don't know how many ethnicities. So I'm sure you'll find a wide selection of dishes that meet your requirements-unless you insist on your food being bland or overcooked, in which case he'll probably come after you with a red-hot skewer.

Would you like to join us?"

Inspector Gardner chuckled. "I've been eating camp food for long enough that I'm tempted to take you up on it. Unless your chef's an even worse terror than you say..."

"You may be certain he's a terror, sir;" said Beeker. "But I'd advise you to take up the captain's invitation nonetheless. The food is the best on the planet."

"Given the alternatives, I'd be very surprised if it weren't," said Gardner. "Even so, I'd love to join you. But I can only speak for myself. Chief, do you think we can eat here, or do we need to go back to our own camp?"

"Eating here would help conserve our own food supplies," added Slurry. "And it would give us a chance to evaluate the Legion's energy efficiency and waste management procedures."

"You shouldn't judge the Legion as a whole by us," said Lieutenant Rembrandt, earnestly. "To be as clean and green as we are, you have to have a CO who cares about something besides kowtowing to the top brass. Most Legion companies spend so much time trying to avoid getting on the wrong side of headquarters that they can barely achieve their basic mission, let alone worry about the environment."