Robert Asprin - No Phule Like an Old Phule

"You'll come up with a plan?" said Ernie. "It was your brilliant plan that backfired the first time and got us in this mess to begin with. Why don't I ever get to make the farkin' plans?"

"Because you'd fark 'em up," said Lola, bluntly. "I mean, 1 won't claim everything's been a screaming success, or any other kind, so far. But if you'd been in charge, we'd both be behind bars somewhere-assuming Mr. V and his goons didn't catch with us first"

Ernie scowled "That reminds me. I never did figure out why, if Mr. V and whoever he works for-"

"Which, believe me, you don't want to know," interjected Lola. "

"OK, OK," said Ernie. "But tell me this: if those wise guys can run us down anyplace we escape to, why the hell do they need us to snatch Willard Phule? Why don't they just go snatch him themselves?"

Lola shook her head. "You really don't understand that? Just think about it. What goes wrong if we get caught?"

"If we're lucky, we get a vacation on some prison colony, making rocks into sand," said Ernie. "If we're unlucky, we get made into sand."

"That's about right," said Lola. "But the people who are springing for us to kidnap Phule have got a lot to lose. So they're deflecting the risk by hiring us, and making sure there's no paper trail back to them. And that's why we can't afford to know who they are-because if we do, we're too dangerous."

"Hey, dangerous-that's me, all right," said Ernie, puffing up his chest and striking a muscle-man pose. "

"Yeah, well just be careful you don't get yourself in more trouble than you can get out of," said Lola, exasperated. "These people play rough, or have you forgotten that?"

"All right, you win," said Ernie. "But this time, if I don't think the plan's gonna work, I'm gonna let you know up front. I'm not as stupid as you think."

"Oh, you couldn't be," said Lola, smiling broadly. Before Ernie could figure that out; she added, "But for now, I need you to stay out of sight and relax-I've got to run out and do some spying."

"Spying? Who on?"

"Why, the big bird and the little bird," said Lola, opening the door and turning back to face Ernie. "And with a little bit of luck, we may even catch them both." Before Ernie could come up with an answer to that, she was out the door and gone.

Phule was pleased to see that Moustache had the rescue party lined up in good order near the camp perimeter. He was even more pleased to see how many of the company had turned out on such short notice, fully equipped and ready for action. But that posed a problem in its own right. Taking the bulk of his available force into an unknown situation was risking disaster.

"All right, people, listen up," he said. "We're going to break into two parties. One will go with me to see what's happening out there in the desert. The other's going to guard the camp in case this is some kind of diversion; Lieutenant Armstrong will command that party."

Phule quickly chose a dozen legionnaires to join him in the rescue party. There were plenty-of volunteers to choose from-every single legionnaire present wanted to go to the aid of their comrades. Phule made it a point to include the three Gambolts, whose Speed and fighting ability would be a particular asset against an unknown threat. But he was careful to leave a core of proven legionnaires with Armstrong-not only to protect against a surprise attack, but to act as a reserve rescue party in case his group couldn't finish the job. He didn't think that was going to be necessary. On the other hand, he didn't think a red flare was going to be necessary, either-but he had one in his belt.

"All right, people," he said. "The plan is to get out there as quickly as we can, so we'll take the personnel carrier. When we're about a hundred meters short, 1 want you three Gambolts to get off and scout ahead on foot. We'll come in at walking speed behind you. If any of you signals, or if there's any sign of danger, we'll pick up speed again and do whatever we need to. Since we don't know what we're getting into, be alert for my orders. Any questions?"

"I have a question, sir," said Mahatma, raising his hand. The little recruit's round face had its usual mellow expression, which, in combination with a raised hand, almost always spelled trouble.

Phule mentally chastised himself-he should have remembered Mahatma's tendency to question everything a superior said to him. But he'd already opened that door by choosing the little recruit for the rescue team, so he had no choice but to deal with what came through it. "Yes, Mahatma, what is it?" he asked, as patiently as he could manage.

"I notice that we are heading in the direction of the AEIOU inspectors' camp," said Mahatma. "Should we not warn them that we are about to mount an operation in their vicinity?"

"Actually, that makes sense," said Phule, nodding. He lifted his wrist communicator to his mouth, buzzed Mother, and quickly relayed Mahatma's suggestion to her.

"Tell them to keep their heads down," he added. "If we have to engage in combat, there could be danger to civilians in the neighborhood."

"Sure, sweetiecakes," said Mother. "But wouldn't it be so much better just to order them off-planet while you've got a good excuse? 1 wouldn't mind seeing the last of that Chief Inspector Snieff."

"That's not a bad idea," said Phule. "I don't think we're in quite that much trouble, though. But I'll keep it in mind in case things get dangerous."

"All righty, you're a big boy-but don't ever say I never gave you a chance to get rid of that pest," said Mother. She cut the connection, and Phule turned to his crew. In moments, the rescue party was loaded on the personnel carrier. At Phule's command, Slayer took the controls, lifted it off, and started moving forward at top speed.

Phule stood on the forward bench, looking through his stereoculars in an attempt to see what was going on up ahead. He could hear what sounded like distant shouting, though not in any language he recognized. Had the Synthian lost his translator, or was there some other species there? He realized he didn't know who else was on the original search team-he'd left it to Brandy to choose its members, and hadn't thought to ask once the crisis had arisen. In a sense, it didn't really matter who was out there. They were all valued members of Omega Company. Their comrades in arms would do whatever it took to bring them back safe. Omega Company took care of its own. And anyone who stood in the way....ell, too bad for them, Phule thought.

The personnel carrier had quickly, covered the ground between the camp and the trees, and was coming up on the position where Phule had decided to drop off the Gambolts. "Slayer, bring tire vehicle to a halt," he ordered.

"Dukes, Rube, Garbo--make ready to dismount."

Slayer expertly cut the vehicle's speed and dropped it to within a hand's breadth of the ground. The Gambolts quickly slipped off the tail end-Protected from any possibility of hostile fire, although there had so far been no overt hostilities-and began working their way through the underbrush, quickly fading out of clear visibility. Phule waited until they were well clear, then signaled for the personnel carrier to move forward again. There was still no clear indication what sort of enemy had attacked the original search party. Evidently their comm units were still not working correctly-there'd been no further transmissions since the truncated conversation Phule had had with Spartacus.

It was quiet, Phule realized. Too quiet. The faintly purring engine of the personnel carrier was the only sound; even the shouting that Phule had heard previously had now faded into silence, leaving only an uncomfortable anticipation. Somewhere ahead of him, the Gambolts were noiselessly working their way toward the site of the disturbance. .. .

Suddenly, a loud sound erupted from the underbrush perhaps fifty meters off the left front of the vehicle. As Phule stood up to stare-realizing even as he did so that he was exposing himself to possible enemy fire-a Gambolt jumped seemingly two meters straight up, yowling. It was Dukes, the largest of the three catlike aliens in Omega Company. As soon as the Gambolt landed on his feet, he let out another yowl and began sprinting for the nearest tree.