Robert Asprin - Phule Me Twice

Sushi grinned back at him. "It's probably a pretty one-sided conversation, but yeah, I think that's exactly what's going on. I bet they're sending different test signals, trying to get it to respond to them."

Qual's translator emitted a sound the legionnaires had learned to recognize as laughter. "Can they not tell the difference between a sophont and a machine?"

Sushi's expression turned serious. "Funny you should ask. There's a famous experiment some old Earth computer scientist invented. And if the Port-a-Brain has the Hidden Ones fooled into thinking it's a sophont, it's passed the Turing test. Which I guess it ought to, considering the price tag."

"Your machines are designed differently from ours," said Qual. "We know directly whether we are confronting a machine or an intelligent being. Confusion is not wanted."

"I guess machine intelligence is so useful, we humans are willing to put up with a bit of confusion," said Sushi.

"Who needs stupid machines when we have so many stupid people? Besides, this Port-a-Brain may be smarter than all of us put together, but it doesn't look like any living creature I've ever seen. The Hidden Ones must be very strange if they can't tell it's a machine they're trying to talk to...Hey, wait a minute."

"I suppose I can," said Qual, with a reptilian shrug. "But I think it would better utilize our time searching for the captain's butler."

Sushi laughed. "No, I mean I've got an idea what could have happened. Those strange signals we've been receiving-they're all around us here, but we don't see any sign of civilization, except for the hoverjeep and the things in it."

"That is manifestly true," said Qual. "It is a jigsaw."

Sushi frowned, then shrugged and said, "I think maybe the Hidden Ones haven't hidden on purpose. They're just too small for us to notice. And that may prevent them from noticing us-or at least, from recognizing what we are-as much as it prevents us from seeing them."

"Too small?" Qual turned and looked in all directions. "Even very small creatures would need machines and buildings, and we do not see those, either."

"No," admitted Sushi. "But I suddenly feel very confident in this idea. I think it's time to try that experiment I've been talking about. Didn't the captain and Beeker take along translators on their visit to your capital?"

"I think they did," said Qual. "No doubt they would be in the baggage compartments."

The baggage compartment was locked, but that deterred Sushi only a few moments. Sure enough, there were a pair of translators there, neatly packed in their neoplastic carrying cases. By the time Sushi got them out, Qual had signaled the rest of the squad to join them, and (at the Zenobian officer's direction) they began looking around the area for signs of the jeep's occupants.

"With two translators to play with, I've got another idea," said Sushi. "If the Hidden Ones are trying to communicate with this Port-a-Brain, I want to see if there's some way we can hook a translator into it."

Brick, who'd helped Sushi unload the baggage compartment, said, "Sounds like your kind of fun. But why don't you hook it up to your own gizmo first? I mean, the captain's fancy computer's got more brainpower than the Alliance Senate. If it hasn't cracked the language on its own by now-how long's it been working at it, a week?-maybe us sophonts deserve a shot at it."

Sushi laughed. "Maybe you're right," he said. "I'll give that a try first. If nothing else, I've been thinking about it long enough so I have some idea where to start." He set down the translators and headed back to retrieve his receiver and his tool kit.

Perhaps an hour later, Flight Leftenant Qual wandered over to the hoverjeep, where Sushi had set up a makeshift workbench on the tailgate. He took off his dark sunglasses and peered at the electronic tangle. "How functions it, young one?" asked the Zenobian.

Sushi leaned back and sighed. "These things were never meant to fit together," he said. "If I had a parts shop handy, I could probably find something off the shelf to make the job easier. Out here in the field, I've got to kludge it up pretty much from scratch."

"So this signifies it will not perform?" said Qual.

"Oh, I think I can make it work," admitted Sushi. "I've probably voided the captain's warranty on his computer, and it'll never win any beauty contests. But I think he'd approve the project, just on general principles."

"Since you're doing it to save his butler, I guess he would, "said Brick. "He can buy another computer, but Beeker's not going to be easy to replace."

"I just hope Beeker's still in condition to save," said Sushi quietly. "He's been out in the desert for a long time, and all the emergency rations are still in the jeep. Unless he's got some other source of food and water..."

"If the Hidden Ones have seized him, they ought to nourish him," said Qual.

"I hope so," said Sushi. "Problem is, until we can communicate with them, we don't know whether they even know where Beeker is. For all we know, he tried to get back to base with the captain and didn't make it. He's not a young man-"

"I do not think something has happened to Beeker," said Qual. "Captain Clown would surely have talked about it."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" said Sushi. "But something must have happened to him on that trek back to the base. He's not acting anything like himself. Brick, you said he acted like he couldn't even see you when you talked to him."

"Yeah, it was weird," she said solemnly. "He heard my voice and answered my questions, but he kept looking around for me, like I was hiding from him or something. And now that I think about it, some of his answers didn't, like, totally add up."

"Yes, they did not totally total," said Qual. "I spoke to him, and it was as if we were of different species."

"Weird," said Sushi without looking up from his work. He twisted two wires together, then said, "Let's see if I've got it right."

He turned on the translator's power switch, leaned close to hear if the speaker was on, then booted up the Port-a-Brain. Nothing happened.

"Aaah, bad luck," said Brick. "Back to the blank screen, huh?"

Sushi was unperturbed. "Nah, I turned it off when I made the modifications. Now I've got to go back to the program that was up when we found it. I saved the settings. Let's see..." The display changed rapidly as he entered a series of commands. "OK, let's see what we get here," said Sushi, and hit a key.

The translator's speaker emitted a low warming-up buzz, then broke into articulate sounds. "Intersystem Sklern-two thousand at nineteen. Please instruct concerning exercise of pets. Research P/E on Pickup Pizza Ltd Common. Do you receive signals? Trantor Entertainment Preferred-hold until forty-five, then sell five hundred. We will take five hundred. Mark Pickup Pizza Ltd. Common to buy below ten..."

The legionnaires listened for a moment, then Sushi turned to his companions and grinned. "Hey, guess I know what I'm doing after all."

"Acclamations, Sushi," said Qual, showing all his teeth. "At long last the Hidden Ones speak to us!"

"Triff," said Brick. "But what the hell are they talking about?"

"The captain had the computer automatically checking and trading his stocks on the net," said Sushi. "It's sending out commands, and the Hidden Ones obviously thought it was trying to communicate to them. I'd guess they've been trying to get it to respond to them, and it's been carrying on the original program, of course. Now that we've got the communication channel open, we can try to start them talking to us instead of to the Port-a-Brain." He turned to Qual. "Leftenant, you're the officer in charge. What do we want to say to them?"

"Why, that is obvious," said Qual. "Where is the human known as Beeker?"