Robert Asprin - Phule Me Twice

"I look forward to both," said Phule, and he and Beeker followed the Zenobian leader into a nearby building. To one side, a buffet was laid out, with a variety of foods. In deference to the humans' dietary prejudices, the spread included several cooked dishes, as well as a selection of vegetables (many no doubt imported for the occasion). And whoever had been involved in the planning had thoughtfully laid in a full Terran bar. After filling their plates and glasses, Phule and Beeker joined Chief Potentary Korg and his adjutant at a table. Korg played host to perfection, making certain that both Phule and Beeker got everything they wanted.

"That was a very impressive display," said Phule politely. If anything, it was an understatement. The Zenobians would be a formidable opponent for any race that went to war with them. Except that their request for Phule's company as military advisors seemed to indicate that they'd encountered something they couldn't handle. Exactly what was it they couldn't handle? Phule wondered. And what made them think that Omega Company could handle it? It was very puzzling.

"Thank you, Captain," said Korg, flashing his saurian grin once more. At least he'd removed the sunglasses, now that they were indoors. "It would please me, sometime, to see a similar demonstration of the Alliance's capabilities. But in due time, all in due time. Meanwhile, as you can undoubtedly guess, we have invited your company here for a very good reason."

Aha, here it comes, thought Phule. "I find it hard to imagine an adversary that your forces wouldn't be able to deal with on their own," he said.

"Nevertheless, we have encountered one," said Korg. "They are here on the planet even as we speak. And yet I tell you in all candidacy, we have been unable to make even the slightest maneuvers against them."

"That's very surprising, sir," said Phule. "What can you tell us about these invaders? The more intelligence you can give me, the better we can determine how to assist you."

"What we have, you shall have," said Korg. "All our intercepts of their communications shall be given to you. But to initiate you into the situation, behold! Here, in the shell of an armored land beast, is what we know." He waved his foreclaw, and an assistant turned on a view screen.

A aerial view of the Zenobian capital appeared, recognizable despite an odd distortion. "This is an intercepted high-frequency signal from an alien surveillance device," said Korg. "Without going into details, I will tell you that this and several other devices have been systematically monitoring our major population centers and military installations."

"I see," said Phule. "Have you eliminated the possibility that these signals are from some internal agency-monitoring the traffic or weather, for example?"

"This occurred to us, but it seemed very unlikely, even at first," said Korg. "To begin with, the frequency employed is not one used by any of our normal communications equipment. In fact, the signals were first discovered quite by accident. Only when it was discovered that the source was mobile did we know they were artificially generated."

"A mobile source," said Phule, nodding. "Some sort of surveillance drone, then. Have you been able to intercept one of the drones?"

"No," said Korg. He reached one of his foreclaws up to pick a small piece of meat from between two teeth. "To be absolutely veracious, other than by their signals, we have had no success whatever in detecting these drones. It is as if they are invisible."

"Invisible!" said Beeker, leaning forward. "That would seem to defy the laws of physics, would it not, sir?"

"It would seem so," said Phule. "Possibly it has something to do with your equipment, though. Our two races use different frequencies, and not all the Alliance races use the same frequencies for their internal communications, either. Once our base is properly set up, we'll see whether these signals register on our own equipment. Have you been able to trace where the drones come from?"

Korg grinned again. "We have made every effort to do so, and in fact we have identified several locations from which they might originate. Unfortunately, we can identify nothing at those locations which we can recognize as of intelligent design."

"Very interesting," said Phule. "You'd think the beings who made these devices would have a base, even if it was camouflaged. Have you sent ground troops in to investigate the areas where they originate?"

"We have done so, and found nothing," said Korg. "It is a puzzle, I must confess. But of one thing there is no question: We cannot allow them to usurp our territory unchallenged."

"Why, sir, have they done you any harm?" asked Beeker.

"None directly," admitted Korg. "Their signals have created undue noise in our communications, and we fear they can receive our messages. This is why we waited to inform you snout-to-snout of what we are facing."

"And what is your greatest concern, in a nutshell?" asked Phule.

"It is mostly our worry as to their capabilities and intentions," said Korg. "No wise race allows a strange beast to sit on the edge of its nest unexamined."

"Well, we'll see what we can do for you," said Phule. Then he added with all the confidence he could muster, "We've got the most sophisticated equipment in the Alliance, and some people who can make it do tricks even the designers never thought of. We'll get to the bottom of it, don't you worry."

"Flight Leftenant Qual's reports have given me great faith in you, Captain," said Korg, grinning again. "I am sure you will come up with a solution."

Phule wished he was anywhere near as confident as Korg seemed to be.

Journal #537

The curious thing about the Zenobian Empire was that it largely overlapped Alliance territory. The Zenobians had even settled colonies on planets in several systems the Alliance thought of as its own. But the lizardlike aliens preferred an environment that most of the Alliance races found oppressively hot and therefore tended to settle planets closer to the primaries than those settled by other sophonts. Since space travel was normally conducted at light speed, and the two races used entirely different frequencies for communication, there had been no direct contact between the races until one of their ships made an emergency landing on Haskin's Planet and was discovered by members of my employer's company.

Now that the Zenobians had declared their intention of working with the predominantly human Alliance, the two species were amazed to learn just how many systems they had inhabited in common without at all interacting, like fish in the depths of a mountain lake and gorgeous flowers on the bank.

One of the biggest surprises was the location of the Zenobians' home planet.

The knock on the stateroom door was expected. With a sigh, Lola stood up and went to open it. Out in the corridor stood a dark-haired man in ship's uniform, carrying an electronic notebook. He showed an ID card and said, "Good day, ma'am. I'm investigating an incident overnight. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

"Why, of course not," said Lola, looking at the card. "Master at arms-that sounds exciting. Was the ship attacked?"

"I could do without that kind of excitement, ma'am," said the officer with a low chuckle. "Master at arms is just an old-fashioned title for a ship's security officer. On a ship like this, that's a part-time job. I earn my keep by being purser, and second engineer in a real pinch."

"Well, I don't know whether to be disappointed or not," said Lola with a flippant gesture. "Space travel is so unromantic. I've had more excitement on a hoverbus. What kind of incident are you investigating, Mr...uh, Mr. Hernandez?"

"One of the lifeboats left the ship, and about the only way that could have happened was if there was a person on board. So we're checking to see if anyone's missing. I have this cabin listed as a double. You're Miss Miller, I presume-sharing with a Mr. Reeves?"