Robert Asprin - Phules Paradise

The Gnat shrugged. "No problem there. I used to do a little waitressing from time to time, both dinner and cocktail. I'd probably prefer cocktail waitressing, if given a choice. They circulate through the casino rather than stand duty just in the dining room, and the kind of action you're watching for will probably be going on at the tables, not over a meal. Besides, the tips are better from drinkers."

"I was thinking more in terms of working with the housekeeping staff," Brandy supplied. "That photo spread was fun, but I don't really see myself wearing one of those peek-a-boo outfits day in and day out. Having a legitimate excuse to be in and out of the guest rooms wouldn't be a bad idea, either."

The two looked at their commander expectantly.

"Actually," he said slowly, staring at his notepad, "the recognition problem wasn't my major concern. Super Gnat should be okay, but ..." He hesitated, then shrugged and looked at his top sergeant directly. "I'm not quite as comfortable with you going under cover, Brandy. I had been counting on you to help me ride herd on the company while it was standing normal duty. The fact is, Chocolate Harry and Escrima have already volunteered, and the cadre roster is starting to look a little thin even if you stuck around. With you gone ..." He let his voice trail off, then shook his head.

"I can see where that might be a problem, Captain. But ..." Brandy hesitated, then leaned forward slightly. "Can I speak candidly, sir?"

Phule nodded curtly.

"Well, you know how you got on my case when you first took over about being cynical and not trying? This is the first time in ... hell, I don't know how many years now, that I've volunteered for anything. Now that I'm moving, I'd kinda like to see it through. I'm not sure if I'm trying to prove something to you or to myself, but I'd like to give it a shot."

The commander pursed his lips and stared thoughtfully at his pad again, then realized there was really nothing to decide. If it came to choosing between making things easier for himself or helping Brandy rebuild her self-esteem, there was only one choice that would be acceptable to him.

"All right," he said, raising his eyes to look at them directly. "We'll tentatively figure you both for undercover volunteers. I'm going to want to see a demonstration of this hair and makeup thing, though. Shall we say, tomorrow afternoon?"

"No problem, sir ... and thank you, sir."

The two women rose and saluted, turning toward the door only after their salute was returned.

"Just one more thing ... Super Gnat?"

The little Legionnaire paused at the doorway at the commander's words.

"Sir?"

"Have you discussed this with Tusk-anini? I don't mean to meddle, but he's very devoted to you."

At the mention of her partner, the Gnat's usual easy self-confidence wavered.

"I ... I know, sir ... And no, I haven't. I wanted to see if you figured I was acceptable first ... I'll go talk to him now. I think he'll understand. He may be devoted to me, but he practically worships you. You were the one who called for volunteers, and I'd be willing to bet he'd put his hand into a fire up to his elbow if you asked him to. He might not like my volunteering, but it'll be mostly because he can't volunteer himself. Give him some time and he'll get over it ... but even if he doesn't, he won't let it interfere with his performance."

Rather than being reassured, Phule again felt the pangs of discomfort at this testimonial.

"All right, Gnat. I'll leave it to you. Just let me know if-"

"Say, Captain ... Excuse me, Gnat."

Brandy had just poked her head in the door, interrupting the conversation.

"What is it, Top?"

"I was thinking about what you were saying-about being thin on cadre for normal duty. Anyway, it occurred to me that you might want to give Moustache a try as acting sergeant."

"Moustache?" The commander frowned, searching his memory.

"He got transferred in just before you did," Brandy supplied. "I'm not surprised you can't place him. He kind of blends in most of the time. It's my guess, though, that he's had some previous service time in the Regular Army, and probably as more than a line soldier."

"I'll keep that in mind, Brandy. Thanks!"

"You want me to get him for you? He's outside here in the volunteer line."

"That's all right. I'll handle him when his turn comes."

"So, anyway, I was thinking you might want to use me as a washroom attendant or a doorman, sir. I'd probably be a bit less conspicuous than most of the lads-what with my age and all."

Phule was studying the figure in front of him, noting details more than he was listening to the Legionnaire's words.

The man was above average height and barrel-chested, though his stern posture probably exaggerated both features. His head was as hairless as a billiard ball, except for the bright red handlebar moustache which dominated his face and gave him his Legion name. It occurred to Phule that that facial ornament was doubtlessly dyed, since, judging by the man's age as stated in his file, it should be white. As it was, the only clue to Moustache's advanced years was the wrinkled skin of his neck ... but even that wasn't noticeable unless one was actually looking for it.

"Hmmm?" The commander blinked, suddenly realizing the Legionnaire had reached the end of his statement and was waiting for a response. "Excuse me, Moustache. My mind was wandering for a second there. Actually I was thinking ... are you sure you want to volunteer for undercover work? You ... um... seem much more at home in a uniform."

It was a clumsy gambit, but Phule was getting tired and was hard-pressed to find a tactful way around the Legion rule against inquiring into a Legionnaire's history prior to his or her enlistment. Fortunately Moustache made the job easy.

"Found me out, did you, sir?" he said, breaking into a sudden smile. "Well, I suppose it was just a matter of time before it came out. Secrets don't last long in an outfit as tight as this one."

"Is that to say that you've had military experience prior to your signing on with the Space Legion?" the commander urged.

"You might say that, sir. Nearly forty years in the Regular Army before they gave me the boot-forced retirement, that is."

Startled, Phule glanced at the man's folder again. By the record Moustache was well on in his years, but if he had been in the Regular Army for nearly forty years, then he must be at least ...

"Before you say anything, sir, I did shave a few years off my birthday when I filled out my enlistment papers. While the Legion is reputed to accept all applicants, I didn't want to take the risk of being turned down."

"You were really that eager to join up?"

"Frankly, sir, it was my last hope. You see, sir, when they retired me from the Regular Army, it didn't take long to find out there wasn't much of a place for me in civilian life. I was way too old to go into police work, and bein' a night watchman always struck me as a race to see which gathered dust and cobwebs faster: the guard or the stuff he was supposed to be guarding."

"I suppose just taking it easy and enjoying your retirement wasn't included on your list of options?"

"Not bloody likely," the Legionnaire snorted. "The Army always kept me busy-until one of their computers started counting up my birthdays, that is. After years of keeping the lads busy, with `make-work' assignments, the idea of just doing nothing sounded uncomfortably like being dead. I mean, sir, inactive is inactive, whether you're sittin' in a rocker or six feet under."

"It sounds like you had some rank before you retired," Phule observed cautiously.

"Let's just say I was a noncom and leave it at that, sir. I've been trying not to make a big thing of my experience. Seen too many new blokes to an outfit come in ringing the mission bell and preaching to the heathens how they should be doing things. The noncoms you have seem to be doing a right good job, especially since you got them back on track. Truth is, it's been a bit of a treat for me to be back in the ranks-letting others do the thinking and just following orders."