Robert Asprin - Phules Paradise

"I just figured that whatever goes down, it don't hurt to have a few extra persuaders close to hand." Harry winked, then his face sobered. "All right, what have we got so far?"

"Not much," the senior lieutenant admitted. "Until we can figure out where they're holding him, there's not much we can do. The trouble is, everyone wants to be here. It's all we've been able to do to keep the duty crew at their posts while we're working this out ... Which reminds me ..."

She raised her wrist communicator to her lips and pressed the Call button.

"You got Mother!" came the quick response.

"Rembrandt here, Mother," the lieutenant said. "How are you holding up?"

"I'll tell you, if it wasn't for every mother's son and daughter in this outfit wanting personal updates every fifteen minutes, it'd be a real breeze."

The lieutenant smiled despite the pressure she was feeling. "You want some help?"

"Oh, don't you mind my carping. I got it covered-for the time being, anyway. You just keep working on figuring out where the captain is and let me worry about keeping the wolves at bay."

"All right, Mother. But holler if it gets too much for you. Rembrandt out."

She turned her attention to the floor plans once more.

"Now, the way I see it, the most likely places are here and here." She indicated two points with her finger. "We need to have someone run a quick check ... Brandy?"

"Here, Lieutenant," the top sergeant said, stepping forward.

"Do you think we could-"

"Pardon me!"

The commander's butler was standing in the doorway.

"What is it, Beeker?"

"I ... I don't mean to intrude," Beeker said, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable, "and, as you know, I have no official standing in your organization, but in this instance we share a common interest-namely, the well-being of my employer-and I believe I have some information you might need in your planning."

"Don't worry about your standing with us, Beek," Rembrandt said. Like everyone in the company, she had a great deal of respect for the butler-more than most, since he had assisted her when she was recruiting the actors for stand-ins. "What have you got?"

"I ... I can tell you where Mr. Phule is being held."

"You can?"

"Yes. I can say definitely that he's currently in Maxine Pruet's suite-room 4200. At least, he was fifteen minutes ago."

Rembrandt frowned. "Hey, Sushi! I thought you said the suite was empty!"

"No one answered the phone when I called," the Oriental said. "I didn't actually check it out, though."

"I see ... Okay. Brandy? I want you to use your passkey and see if-"

"Excuse me ... Perhaps I didn't make myself clear," Beeker interrupted, his voice taking a slight edge. "I said that my employer is definitely being held in that suite. There should be no need for confirmation. In fact, any effort to intrude might endanger the lives of both Mr. Phule and whoever was sent to check."

The lieutenant pursed her lips, then shot a glance at Armstrong, who gave a small shrug.

"All right, Beeker," she said at last. "Not to say I don't believe you, but would you mind telling me just how it is you're so certain that's where he is?"

The butler's haughtiness slipped away, and he glanced around at the gathered Legionnaires uneasily.

"It's ... well, it's a secret technique I've developed to ease my duties in keeping track of my employer's comings and goings. I'd ask that you all keep this in strictest confidence, just as I have respected the secretive nature of the things some of you have shared with me."

He looked around the room again and was answered by an assortment of nods. "Very well. I've taken the liberty of sewing small homing devices into each item in my employer's wardrobe, both civilian and military. This gives me forewarning of his approach so that I might be prepared to welcome him, and allows me to pinpoint his location at any given moment."

Armstrong gasped. "You've bugged the captain's clothes?" Struggling between laughter and incredulity, he spoke for the whole room.

Beeker winced. "You might say that, sir. I, myself, prefer to think of it as a necessary technique for providing the exceptional service which justifies my salary, which, as you might assume, is well above the scale normal for one in my profession."

"Whatever!" Rembrandt said, pawing through the scattered floor plans. "The bottom line is that you're sure he's being held in the old dragon's suite."

"Yes, ma'am," the butler said. "If I might add, there seems to be a rather muscular gentleman standing guard outside her door as well. That, at least, is easily confirmed by anyone who bothers to take the time."

He sent a withering glance toward Sushi, who shrugged apologetically.

"One guard? That one's mine!" Brandy declared. "Might as well get some use out of this Fifi the Maid outfit before I turn it in for good."

"You want any help, Top?" Super Gnat offered.

"For one guard? From up close when he's not expecting it?" The Amazonian top sergeant flexed her sizable right hand, then clenched it into a fist and smiled broadly. "I don't think so."

"All right, then, we have a target area!" Rembrandt declared, studying the sheet of paper which had finally come to hand. "Let's see ... we've got a large living room flanked by two bedrooms ... one door that ... Heck with this!"

She strode over to the nearest wall and paused for a moment, rummaging through her belt pouch. Producing a tube of lipstick, she began sketching a larger version of the floor plan directly on the wall in long, broad strokes.

"Okay, gather 'round!" she called back over her shoulder. "Now, the corridor runs here, parallel to the three rooms. Sushi, do you know if they've moved the furniture at all, or is it like it is here in the plans?"

"Let me see," the Oriental said, moving to her side for a better view of the floor plans. "I only saw the living room area, but-"

"What's going on here?"

Colonel Battleax was standing in the doorway. Still dressed in her bat-wing black dress and towering in her anger despite her diminutive size, she might have been a demon from an opera production as she dominated the room with her voice and presence.

The Legionnaires froze in their places. While they had all heard that the colonel was in the complex, no one had expected her to appear at their meeting.

"My God! This looks like an armament trade show! I don't even recognize half these weapons!"

While it was well known that Willard Phule was supplementing the company's equipment from his personal fortune, what was not as widely known was that he was also using his connection with his munitions-baron father to obtain new weaponry which was still in the testing stages and not yet known, much less available, to the general market.

"Do I need to remind you all that you're Space Legionnaires and have only limited authority for using reasonable force on civilians?"

The company exchanged nervous glances, but still no one moved.

"Well, this Wild West show is going to stop RIGHT NOW! I'm ordering you to turn in all arms other than sidearms, and-"

"Just a minute, Colonel!"

Lieutenant Rembrandt, her face flushed and her limbs rigid, broke the tableau. Like the Red Sea, the crowd parted to open a corridor with the two women at either end.

Standing against the back wall with Trooper, Lex watched the confrontation with professional curiosity and interest. Though neither Battleax nor Rembrandt was shouting, both were using what could only be called a "command voice," which involved a controlled projection from the diaphragm that any stage actor would envy.

"In Captain Jester's absence," Rembrandt declaimed, "I'm the acting company commander of this outfit. What gives you the right to try to give orders to my troops?"