Robert Asprin: Something MYTH Inc

What I had overlooked in my assessment of this assignment was who I would be workin' with: to wit, Spyder and Pookie.

Now, I must hasten to qualify that by sayin' that I have nothin' against either of these two. I've always had a soft spot for Spyder since our days in the Army when she kept mouthin' off to the Drill Instructor who was easily three times her size, taking the best he could dish out in the way of backlash, and still keep givin' him attitude. (Okay. So it wasn't real smart, but it showed a never-say-die spirit that is not all that easy to find these days.) As for Pookie, everything I've seen about her marks her as a seasoned pro, starting with our first meetin' when she knocked me cold but didn't kill me when she thought I was attackin' the boss.

All of which is to say that I like Spyder and I respect Pookie. As such, it never occurred to me that there would be any problem with the three of us workin' together as a team. I still maintain my reasonin' was correct as far as it went. The factor that I didn't take into consideration was that we had set up a team consistin' of one male, which was me, and two females ... both of whom had what might be politely referred to as 'highly competitive natures.'

This oversight rapidly became apparent soon after our tour had started. We had stopped for our first rest break, which was really Spyder and me restin' while Pookie roamed on ahead a little "to look things over."

"So tell me, Swatter," Spyder sez, starin' after Pookie, "why is it we need three people for this scouting mission?"

Now, right away I don't like the sounds of this, but decide to play it straight at least for the beginnin'. I mean, on the off chance Spyder is on the level, it is part of the duty of the old guard to help the newcomers gain experience by answerin' their questions so's they don't have to learn everything by trial and error.

"The main reason is that there's safety in numbers," I sez. "Seein' as how we are not sure how many of the opposition there may be, much less who they are or what level of skill or arms they might have, we have a better chance of dissuadin' them from doin' anything foolish with a substantial show of strength on our side. What is more, should we fail in said dissuadin', that same strength increases our odds of survivin' said foolishness once they commence the doin'."

"I'm not quite sure I got that," she sez.

I sigh, realizin' once more that a goodly percentage of the population does not share my command of the language.

"Simply put, three of us will make anyone think long and hard about jumping us... and if they do, we can probably make them wish they hadn't."

"Oh. Got it," she sez.

She lapses into silence for a while, and I congratulate myself on my abilities as a teacher.

"But why her?" Spyder continues suddenly.

"Excuse me?" I sez, momentarily caught off guard in midself-congratulatin'.

"You have a fairly good-sized crew back there at the palace," she sez. "Why did you have to insist on dragging along the lizard lady? For that matter, you and I could probably handle things on by ourselves."

Now, I have a clear recollection of Spyder bein' at the meetin' when Pookie volunteered to come along with us, but no memory at all of my insistin' on that point. Rather than arguin' this, however, I decide to cut to the chase and go after the main issue at hand.

"Why, Spyder, I am surprised at you," I sez, shakin' my head. "For a minute there you sounded just like a jealous female."

"It isn't that, Swatter ... well, not entirely," she sez. "It's just that having someone else along is like saying that you don't think I'm good enough to cover your back. And then when you make it her... I guess it's hard for me not to take it personally."

"Now I want you to listen to this close," I sez sternly, " 'cause I do not want to have to go over it again. You are a good kid, Spyder, and I have liked you since the first day we met in boot camp. You are tougher than any three army types I have met, exceptin' maybe me and Nunzio when we was in, and I would never worry if you was coverin' my back. You're smart, and you got great potential and a good future at whatever you decide to apply yourself to. In contrast, though, Pookie is a professional. She has made her decision and already done her developin'. What is more, from what I've learned about Pervects like her and Aahz, she's been a professional for longer than you've been alive. She is good at what she does, and we are lucky to have her along on this caper. Don't let the professional respect I have for her detract from your knowledge of the affection and admiration I hold for you. Instead of sulkin' and feelin' bad, you should be takin' advantage of this chance to watch her in action. You can maybe learn a few things, which is what I am hopin' to do myself."

At this, Spyder sort of grunts and pulls into herself. I am not completely able to ascertain if this is because she is considerin' my words or merely sulkin'. In part, this is because Pookie has reappeared and I am slightly distracted watching as she approaches us.

As she promised back at the palace, Pookie has changed her appearance by the use of a disguise spell so she will not upset or frighten the local populace, most of whom are not used to seein' a demon strollin' down the road. To this end, she has replaced her normal green scales, yellow eyes, and pointed ears with skin and hair similar to those of us who normally dwell in mis dimension. That, however, is as far as she has gone with her disguise.

What she has not changed is the fact that she is noticeably a female type. I had considered suggestin' to her that she might be less noticeable and more authoritative if she had disguised herself as a male type, but upon further consideration felt that it might be detrimental to my continued good health to attempt to argue the male/female thing with her.

Further addin' to her current image is that she has retained her normal workin' clothes, which for her consists of a sort of skin-tight leather jump suit with assorted straps and slash pockets for carryin' her arsenal. Not only does this outfit fail to hide the above-mentioned fact that she is female, it also clearly marks her as someone who is not normally from these parts.

Last but not least, the disguise spell has done nothing to change the way she moves. Now if this latter piece of information does not mean anything to you, then you have never spent any time in a profession or situation wherein your survival depends on an accurate appraisal of the violence potential of those comin' toward you before the actual action starts. For most people, movin' consists of little more than puttin' one foot in front of the other. In this manner, they manage to propel themselves from place to place without fallin' over, but that is about the extent of it. Trained athletes and those such as myself who have developed their muscles for use beyond normal walk-a-day necessities are more smooth and balanced when they move, but still tend to be a bit on the heavy-footed side. Pookie is one of the rare types that do not move so much as they glide. Not only are they always balanced, but each gesture and movement flows into the next like it is some dance that only they hear the music to. When you see someone who moves in this manner, as pleasing as it is to the eye, I strongly advise that you do not enter into a hassle-type confrontation with them, for they are likely able to tag you three hits to your one and from directions you did not consider possible to be hit from. Movin' as she does, it is clear to me that, disguise spell or no, Pookie will not exactly blend into the crowd wherever we go.

As I said, however, it is pleasin' to the eye (professionally speakin', of course) and I allow myself this pleasure as she walks up and plops down next to me.