Douglas Adams - HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

"That's all in the mainframe?" Asked Ford.

"Would I make it up?" Replied Marvin.

"But how come no hackers have found out?" Asked Zaphod. "More people have been in that than in Eccentrica Gallumbits!"

"I was asked to design the security system while I was on trial here," said Marvin. "I devised twenty security levels, each progressively more difficult than the last. I say difficult but I'm talking about your sort of difficult, you know, how do I get the lid off this bottle of tablets. Each time something important needs to be stored in the mainframe, a new level is added at the top end. People spend a fortune trying to crack the top level, which increases profit for the SCC. Only a few can crack the top level but all they get is dummy information. All the top secret information is under level one. No-one looks at that because they assume there is nothing of interest in there like the imbecilic fools they are."

"Ingenious," sighed Ford.

"Not really," said Marvin. "Not if you've got a brain the size of....

"Can it, Marvin," interrupted Zaphod. "This is serious. It looks like I've got the save the Universe again."

The Management of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation were tired of having a monopoly of robotics and computers in the Universe. This had been achieved many, many years ago despite the best efforts of the Marketing Division. So when you reach the top, where do you go? Many have suggested that when you reach the top, there is only one way to go and that is down. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation couldn't if they tried. They had such a stranglehold on the market, expendable sales alone ensured a frightening profit margin. Thanks to a clever remuneration strategy by the Management, salaries were kept low on the basis of a possible market attack by a fruit seller and as the majority of staff weren't allowed to leave Sirius, any money paid out was soon returned through the shops and bars on the planet. The salesmen were the only people allowed loose on the Universe and they spent money like salesmen usually do, but as all the best salesmen ended up as Management back on Sirius and had to account for and repay all their expenses as a condition of their new job package, the Status Quo was maintained.

So the Management's problem of great wealth and boredom meant there was only one route to take, one challenge to meet, one final bridge to cross. Universal domination. The Organisation and Methods Division came up with the idea of fitting interfaces into all devices in the guise of a remote diagnostics unit. The Director of O & M almost rejected the idea on the basis that there were no job loses involved and his old O & M colleagues would never buy him a drink again if they found out he was involved in a scheme that created jobs. Once he was reminded that his old colleagues never bought him a drink anyway because a time and motion study proved that there was no productivity gain, he backed down and took the idea to the board. This was passed unanimously at the board meeting, the Management getting excited about the prospect of doing something different to working out how many Alterian Dollars they were making per second.

The treacherous trio and the soulful solo passed through the entrance of the initiative test. A large panel slid over the entrance, shutting them in. Large stark letters on the panel confirmed this with a smug 'THERE'S NO BACKING OUT NOW'. Arthur felt a "so this is it, we're going to die" scramble up his throat, but he fought it back to use when times really got bad. He followed Zaphod and Ford into the storeroom.

"Okay guys," ordered Zaphod. "Grab as much stuff as you can carry."

"But the android said we could only take three things," protested Arthur, his subconscious training to be an Englishman, a gentleman and, most importantly of all, a good sportsman backing him to the hilt.

"Nuts to the android," said Zaphod, his subconscious cowardice backing him from a safe distance. "No excuses for the pun, if it feels embarrassed it can excuse itself."

"Right, let's see," said Ford. "Damn, I've left my satchel outside.

"So?" Asked Zaphod, rummaging through piles of weapons.

"My towel's in there!" Exclaimed Ford, heartbroken. Something hit him on the back of the head.

"There, don't sulk," said Zaphod as Ford picked the towel off the floor.

"It wont be the same," sulked Ford.

"It all seems junk to me," said Arthur. "What do you think, Marvin?"

"More than you could possibly imagine," sighed Marvin.

"Cheer up Marvin," said Ford, brighter after finding the towel impregnated with mopped up Old Janx Spirit. "You must have lost the pain in all the diodes down your...."

"I brought it with me," interrupted Marvin, haughtily. "Life wouldn't be the same without it."

"For God's sake don't start him off on life," said Arthur.

"Come on, guys," said Zaphod testily "The times they are a-changing. Let's get a move on. Remember I've got a rather important appointment with 30 mega-billion viewers, all of them waiting to see the numero uno get hitched. I mean, the advertising revenue alone will buy me a holiday planet somewhere and the commercial spin offs.... I've got Trillian dolls which say 'I do' when you dig them in the ribs, Zaphod dolls which say the same only you have to twist their arms, presentation Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy wedding covers which bear the Inscription 'Don't Panic, there's always divorce'. If I don't deliver the goods, they don't either, if you get my meaning."

"I m glad to see the values of marriage haven't been lost on you, Zaphod," said Arthur, trying to decide between a mirror and a box of matches.

"Now this is the sort of thing I've been looking for," said Zaphod, leaving his other head to ponder the expected turnover of his wedding. "This Neutron-Breaking Desolation Ray Gun will do for a start."

"I don't know why you're all bothering with this," observed Marvin.

"Zark off, Marvin," said Ford, grabbing a bag of gold coins. "Do something useful."

"I'm going for a walk," said Marvin.

"Very useful, thanks a bundle," shouted Arthur.

"Okay," said Zaphod. "I've got the Ray Gun, the heat seeking Davy knife, the laser spear and that murder grenade over there, if you could pass it to me, Ford."

"Sounds like you're about to embark on what the Americans on Earth used to call a 'Peace Keeping Exercise'," said Arthur.

Ford threw the grenade to Zaphod who held his hand out to catch it and was blown across the room on contact.

"You can only carry three items," came a synthesised voice.

"Okay, okay," said Zaphod, stunned. "I got your message, I'll leave the grenade behind."

"I'm taking a towel, a bag of gold coins and a blast gun," said Ford, looking for the voice. "That's all, honest."

"I think I'll take a blast gun as well, plus a mirror," said Arthur. "And I've found a copy of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy here. It's helped me in all my travels so far."

"Very touching," said Zaphod. "I'll sue the bastards for unlawful use of the Guide without the Editor's permission."

"Are we going to save the Universe or draw up a law suit against the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation?" Asked Ford.

"Right, troops," said Zaphod. "Let's keep a tight formation, Arthur, cover our backs, Ford, watch for snipers. Okay, wagons roll!"

"Excuse me, Zaphod," said Ford, as Zaphod stuck his chest out in preparation for a non-existent swell from an orchestra. "Don't you think we should have a plan?"

"Aw, belgium man," cried Zaphod. "You ruined a great moment."

"It was hardly MGM," pointed out Arthur, none too happy about covering the back, as the last man always got jumped by the Indians.

"Okay, okay, guys," said Zaphod, putting his heads together. "Let's do some brainstorming."