Robert Heinlein - The Cat Who Walked Through Walls

I admitted that on a scale of ten he scored a minus three with me. -

"I hope it doesn't stay that way. Deety?" "Day in and day out Lazarus averages closer to a nine,

Richard. You'll see."

"Richard," Hilda went on, "despite what you heard me say,

I don't think badly of Lazarus. I have borne one child by him ... and I go that far only with men I respect. But Lazarus does have his little ways; it is necessary to spank him from time to time. Nevertheless I love him."

"Me, too," agreed Deety. "I have a little girl by Lazarus and that means I love and respect him or it would not have happened. Correct, Zebadiah?"

"How would I know? 'Love, oh careless love!' Boss Lady, are we going somewhere? Gay wants to know."

"Report readiness."

"Starboard door sealed, irrelevant gear ready." "Portside door sealed, seat belts fastened, all systems normal."

'Time Corps Headquarters via Alpha and Beta. At will, Chief Pilot."

"Aye aye. Captain. Gay Deceiver, Checkpoint Alpha. Execute."

"Yassuh, Massuh." The bright sunlight and green lawn beside the Long House bunked away to blackness and stars. We were weightless.

"Checkpoint Alpha, probably," Zeb said. "Gay, do you see THQ?"

"Checkpoint Alpha on the nose," the car answered. 'Time Corps HQ dead ahead. Zeb, you need glasses."

"Checkpoint Beta, execute." The sky blinked again. This time I could spot it. Not a planet but a habitat, perhaps ten klicks away, perhaps a thousand-in space, with a strange object, I had no way to guess.

Zeb said, 'Time Corps Headquarters, ex- Gay Scram!"

A nova bomb burst in front of us.

Schrodinger's Cat

"God's bones!" the car moaned. "That one burned my tail feathers! Hilda, let's go home. Please!" The nova bomb was now a long way off but it still burned with intense white light, looking like Sol from out around Pluto.

"Captain?" Zeb inquired.

"Affirmative," Hilda answered calmly. But she was clinging to me and trembling.

"GayMaureenExecute!" We were back on the grounds of the Romanesque mansion of Lazarus Long and his tribe.

"Chief Pilot, please beep Oz annex and tell them to disembark; we won't be going anywhere soon. Richard, if you will slide out to the right as soon as Jake is out of your way, that will let our passengers climb out."

I did so as quickly as Dr. Burroughs cleared the way. I heard Lazarus Long's voice rumbling behind me. "Hilda! Why have you ordered us out of the car? Why aren't we at Headquarters?''

His tone reminded me of a drill sergeant I had had as a boot, ten thousand years ago.

"Forgot my knitting, Woodie, had to go back for it."

"Knock it off. Why haven't we started? Why are we disembarking?"

"Watch your blood pressure, Lazarus. Gay just proved that she was not being a Nervous Nellie when she asked me to break our usual trip to THQ into three jumps. Had I used our old routine, we would all glow in the dark."

"My skin itches," Gay said fretfully. "I'll bet I would make a Geiger stick rattle like hail on a tin roof."

"Zebbie will check you later, dear," Hilda said soothingly, then went on to Lazarus: "I don't think Gay was hurt; I think none of us was. Because Zeb had one of his bad-news flashes and bounced us out of there almost ahead of the photons. But I am sorry to report, sir, that Headquarters isn't there anymore. May it rest in peace."

Lazarus persisted, "Hilda, is this one of your jokes?"

"Captain Long, when you talk that way, I expect you to address me as 'Commodore.'"

"Sorry. What happened?"

Zeb said, "Lazarus, let them finish unloading and I'll take you back and show you. Just you and me."

"Yes indeed, just you two," the car put in. "But not me! I won't go! I didn't sign up for combat duty. I won't let you close my doors; that means you can't seal up, and then you can't move me. I'm on strike."

"Mutiny," said Lazarus. "Melt her down for scrap."

The car screamed, then it said excitedly, "Zeb, did you hear that? Did you hear what he said? Hilda, did you hear him? Lazarus, I don't belong to you and never did! Tell him, Hilda! You lay one finger on me and I'll go critical and blow your hand off. And take all of Boondock County with me."

"Mathematically impossible," Long remarked.

"Lazarus," said Hilda, "you shouldn't be so quick to say 'impossible' when speaking of Gay. In any case, don't you mink you've been in the doghouse enough for one day? You get Gay sore at you and she'll tell Dora, who'll tell Teena, who'll tell Minerva, who will tell Ishtar and Maureen and Tamara, and then you'll be lucky to get anything to eat and you won't be allowed to sleep or go anywhere."

"I'm henpecked. Gay, I apologize. If I read you two chapters from Tik-Tok tonight, will you forgive me?"

"Three."

"It's a deal. Please tell Teena to ask mathematicians working on Operation Galactic Overlord to meet me asap in my quarters in Dora. Please tell all others involved with Overlord that they are advised to come to Dora, eat and sleep aboard. I don't know when we will leave. It could be a week but it could be anytime and there might not be even ten minutes warning. War conditions. Red alert."

"Dora has it; she's relaying. What about Boondock?"

"What do you mean 'What about Boondock?'"

"Do you want the city evacuated?"

"Gay, I didn't know you cared." Lazarus sounded surprised.

"Me? Care what happens to groundcrawlers?" the car snorted. "I'm simply relaying for Ira."

"Oh. For a moment there I thought you were developing human sympathies."

"God forbid!"

"I'm relieved. Your simple self-centered selfishness has been a haven of stability in an ever-shifting world."

"Never mind the compliments; you still owe me three chapters."

"Certainly, Gay; I promised. Please tell Ira that, so far as I know, Boondock is as safe as anywhere in this world... which ain't saying much... whereas, in my opinion, any attempt to evacuate this ant hill would result in great loss of life, still greater loss of property. But it might be worthwhile to risk it just to crank up their lazy metabolisms-Boondock today strikes me as fat, dumb, and careless. Ask him to acknowledge."

"Ira says, 'Up yours.'"

"Roger, and the same to you; wilco, they make a damn fine stew. Colonel Campbell, I'm sorry about this. Would you care to come with me? It might interest you to see how we mount an emergency time manipulation. Hazel, is that okay? Or am I crowding in on your pidgin again?"

"It's all right, Lazarus, as it is no longer my pidgin. It's yours and that of the other Companions."

"You're a hard woman, Sadie."

"What can you expect, Lazarus? Luna is a harsh teacher. I learned my lessons at her knee. May I come along?"

"You're expected; you are still part of Overlord. Are you not?"

We walked about fifty meters across the lawn to where was parked the biggest, fanciest flying saucer any UFO cultist ever claimed to have seen. I learned that this was "Dora," meaning both the ship and the computer that ran the ship. I learned too that the Dora was the Senior's private yacht, that it was Hilda's flagship, and that it was a pirate ship commanded by Lorelei Lee and/or Lapis Lazuli and crewed by Castor and Pollux, who were either their husbands or their slaves or both.

"They're both," Hazel told me later. "And Dora is all three. Laz and Lor won sixty-year indentures from Cas and Pol in a game of red dog shortly after they married them. Laz and Lor are telepathic with each other, and they cheat. My grandsons are smart as whips and as conceited as Harvard grads, and they always try to cheat. I tried to break them of this nasty habit when they were still too young to chase girls, by using a marked deck. Didn't work; they spotted my readers. But their downfall arose from the fact that Laz and Lor are smarter than they are and even more deceitful."