Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"The gunsight has a built-in polarizer. Didn't I show you?"

"You did not."

"Sorry. Captain Deety hon, I request permission to relieve the Chief Pilot for this."

"Permission granted. But, Zebadiah, you be careful."

'Spacecraft! Identify yourself!" -the voice was everywhere.

Zebbie jerked with surprise. (Me, too!) "Who said that?"

'Lens man Ted Smith, Commander Galactic Patrol, commanding Patrol Vessel 'Nighthawk.' Entity, I regret being forced to enter your mind but you have been ignoring sub-ether radio for four minutes thirty-two seconds. Switch it on and I will get out of your mind. Do not maneuver; we have weapons on you."

"Captain," Jacob whispered, "Hilda is set to rotate."

Deety shook her head, touched Zebbie's arm, pointed to herself.

"Lensman, this is Captain Deety, commanding Continua Craft Gay Deceiver. We don't have sub-ether radio. Do you read me?"

'7 read you loud and clear. What happened to your sub-ether radio? Do you need help?"

"Captain Smith, I don't have sub-ether radio at all. We don't need help but could use astrogational advice. Where are we?"

'The important point is that you are in my patrol sector, an unscheduled ship insufficiently identified. I repeat: DO NOT MANEUVER. By order of the Galactic Patrol. Do you understand?"

"I understand you, Lensman. I regret having intruded into your patrol space. This is a private ship engaged in peaceful exploration."

"That is what I am about to determine, Captain. Stay where you are, make no hostile moves, and you will be safe."

"Lensman, can you see through my eyes?"

"Are you inviting me to do so?"

"Certainly. Use my eyes, use my ears. But don't try to take over my mind or this ship will disappear." Deety squeezed my shoulder; I signaled "Roger" with a pat.

"1 warn you not to maneuver. Ah... interesting!"

I snapped, "Captain Smith, quit threatening us! A Lensman is supposed to be an officer and gentleman! I intend to report you to the Port Admiral! You're an oaf!"

"Sorry, Madam. I do not wish to offend but I have duty to perform. Captain, will you please turn your head so that I can see who is speaking?"

"Certainly. Let me introduce all of us. On my left"-Deety looked at Zebbie- "is Doctor Zebadiah Carter. In front of him is Doctor Jacob Burroughs. On his right"-Deety looked at me-"is his wife, Doctor Hilda Burroughs, xenobiologist and chief of science. Let me offer you this advice, Lensman: It is never safe to offend Doctor Hilda."

"I gathered that impression, Captain. Doctor Hilda, I would not willingly offend-but I have duties. Shall I get out of your mind entirely? If you speak to me, I will hear with Captain Deety's ears. She can, if she will, repeat to you my thought in answer."

"Oh, it's all right for conversation. But don't try to go deeper! Mentor would not like it-as you know!"

"Doctor Hilda, your mention of.... certain entity... surprises me-from one who is not a Lensman."

"I don't need a Lens. You can check that with Arisia."

Deety said hastily, "Lensman, are you satisfied that we are a peaceful party of scientists? Or is there something more that you wish to know?"

"Captain, I can see that this ship is not a pirate vessel-unarmed and unarmoured. Oh, I note controls for a coherent light gun but that wouldn't be much use to a pirate. Nor can I visualize two men and two women attempting to attack a space liner. But keeping the peace is just one of my responsibilities. Your ship, small as it is, could be carrying millions of credits in contraband."

"Say what you mean, Lensman," I snapped. "Drugs. But don't use the word 'zwilnik.'"

Mentally, we could hear him sigh. 'Yes, Doctor Hilda-drugs. But I did not introduce that offensive word into the discussion."

"I heard you thinking it. Don't do it again!"

"Lensman," Deety said quickly, "we have medical drugs. The only one that could interest you is a few milligrams of morphine. But we carry no thionite, no bentlam, no hadive, no nitrolabe. You are using your Lens; you know that I'm telling the truth."

"Captain, it's not that easy. Before I hailed you I did try a slight probe- please, Doctor Hilda; it was in line of duty! I've never encountered minds so fully blocked. And this is a most curious craft. It is obviously designed for aerodynamic use rather than space. Yet here you are-and I can't see how you got here. I have no choice but to detain you and to examine this ship thoroughly. If necessary, take it apart piece by piece."

"Lensman," Deety said earnestly, "don't be hasty. You can search more thoroughly by Lens than by other means. Go ahead. We've nothing to hide and we have a great deal to offer the Patrol. But you won't get it by pushing us around."

"You certainly won't! Cap'n, let's leave! I'm tired of stupidity!"-and I snapped, "Gay Sagan!"

Mars-zero was on our starboard bow. That dead rock looked awfully good to me.

Zebbie said, "Captain, did you order the copilot to execute?"

I said, "Don't bother Deety with it, Zebbie. I did it without permission. Solely my decision."

Zebbie frowned unhappily. "Sharpie, I thought you would be our model Girl Scout while Deety is skipper. Why?"

"Zebbie, you can rotate back there in no time. But I would like to be dropped first. Imperial House. Or Minus-J. Somewhere."

"Why, Hilda?" my husband asked.

"Jacob, meet your friendly neighborhood zwilnik. Commander Ted Smith of the Galactic Patrol-a fine officer; I'm certain, as Dr. E. E. Smith saw to it that no unworthy person could ever wear the Lens-was getting unpleasantly close. That's why I was so fierce with the poor man."

Deety said, "But, Aunt Hilda, E. E. Smith's world is just the sort of world we've been seeking."

"Maybe we'll go back. But not until I've had a chance to dump two pounds of concentrated extract of Cannabis magnifica. Dr. Wheatstone tells me that

it is incredibly valuable in therapy, as the base for endless drugs. But I had a hunch that Commander Smith would confiscate it, impound the Smart Girl, arrest all of us-and convict me. But that isn't all, Zebbie. Doctor Smith created one of the most exciting universes I know of. To read about, not to live in. With that endless Boskone War-must have been going on; they were looking for zwilniks-you have to be as smart as Kimball Kinnison to stay alive... and even he gets chopped up now and again. Deety and I need a good baby-cotcher and I'm sure they have them. But we have months to find one. Let's not deliberately back into a war."

Deety didn't hesitate. "I agree with Aunt Hilda. If we go back, it will not be while I'm captain. Hillbilly, you didn't disobey orders; you used your head in an emergency." I thought Deety was going to ask me how and when I got Cannabis magnifica extract... but she didn't.

"Jake," Zebbie said, "we're overruled. Where now, Captain? Earth-Teh -oneplus?"

"First we'd better pick a place to spend the night, and hold an election."

"Why, Deety, you've served less than twelve hours!"

"It will be about twenty-four hours when we lift off tomorrow. I'm not going to ask for nominations; we've all had a turn at it; we are now balloting for permanent captain."

I expected Zebbie to be picked. But there were three for me, one for Zebbie- my ballot.

I seemed to be the only one surprised. Zebbie said to Deety, "Ask to be relieved now, hon. The short-timer syndrome is bad for anyone but worse for a C.O.-it demoralizes her crew."

"Aunt Hilda, will you relieve me?"

I pondered it half a second. "I relieve you, Deety."

"Goody! I think I'll take a nap."

"I think you'll take the verniers. Zebbie and Jacob stay in the jobs they're in. Prepare to maneuver. Copilot, set for Oz. If you don't know how, ask your father."

"Set verniers for Oz?"

I took a deep breath to calm down. "Before anyone starts asking 'Why?' the answer is: Pipe down and do your job. Before we start on Teh axis, I want to ask questions. We talked to Glinda about our problem. We didn't talk directly to the others. I mean Ozma and Professor Wogglebug and the Little Wizard and possibly others. Family, magicians who can install two bathrooms in a Ford and never have it show can also help us spot vermin if we ask the right questions. Deety, are you having trouble setting for Oz?"