Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Why didn't we go to our suite? And where is Pop?"

"Zebbie specified the car-more private. Jacob is inside, talking with some men. He brushed off my telling him that we were going to the car now-said he would see us later. Deety, I can't enforce orders as captain under those conditions."

"Pop is hard to move when he gets into a discussion. I've yawned through some deadly ones. But how can we have a conference until he shows up?"

"I don't know, dear. Here's Zebbie."

My husband pecked me on the nose and said, "Where's Jake?"

Hilda answered, "He told me that he would be along later." Zebadiah started to curse; Aunt Hilda cut him off. "Chief Pilot."

"Uh- Yes, Captain."

"Go find the Copilot, tell him that we lift in five minutes. Having told him that and no more, turn and leave at once. Don't give him any opportunity to ask questions. Come straight to the car."

"Aye aye, Captain."

"Come, Deety." Hilda hurried to Gay Deceiver, went to her seat, started to belt, She glanced at me. "Astrogator, prepare for space."

I started to ask why-but instead said, "Aye aye, Captain," and quickly was belted. "Captain, may I inquire your plans?"

"Certainly, you're second-in-command. And Astrogator; however, I will take the conn on lifting."

"Then we really are lifting?"

"Yes. Five minutes after Zebbie returns. That gives Jacob five minutes to make up his mind. Then we lift. If Jacob is aboard, he'll be with us."

"Aunt Hilda, you would abandon my father on this planet?!"

"No, Deety. Jacob will probably never notice that the car has been away as it should not be gone more than a few minutes. If Jacob does not come with us, I will ask Zebbie to drop me on Earth-without-a-J. Range-finder and target method; I don't want to use Zebbie's precious juice."

"Aunt Hilda, you sound desperate."

"I am, dear." She added, "Here comes Zebbie."

Zebadiah climbed in. "Message delivered, Captain."

"Thank you, Chief Pilot. Prepare for space."

"Roger Wilco."

"Will you check the seal of the starboard door, please?"

"Aye aye, Captain."

"Report readiness for space, Astrogator."

"Belt tight, ready for space. Oh, Aunt Hilda!"

"Astrogator, pipe down. Chief Pilot."

"Both doors locked, seals checked. Seat belt tight. Power packs, two zeroed, two in reserve. Juice oh-point-seven-one-minus. All systems go. Copilot missing. Ready for space."

"Captain's seat belt tight, ready for space. Gay Deceiver."

"Howdy, Hilda!"

"Please display five-minute countdown. Paraphrase acknowledge."

"Three hundred seconds backwards in lights."

"Execute."

Have you ever listened to three hundred seconds of silence? Neither have I-two hundred eighty-one when Pop pounded on the door.

Aunt Hilda said, "Gay Deceiver, ope'n starboard door."

Pop climbed in, indignant as an offended cat. "What the hell goes on?"

"Copilot, prepare for space."

"What? Now, Hilda, that is going too far!"

"Copilot, either secure for space or get out and stand clear. Chief Pilot, see that my orders are carried out."

"Aye aye, Captain! Copilot, you've got zero seconds to make up your mind." My husband started to unstrap.

Pop looked at Zebadiah, looked at us. I was doing my frozen face to keep from crying and I think Aunt Hilda was, too.

Pop hastily fastened his belt. "You're a pack of idiots-" He was checking the door seal. "-but I won't be left behind."

"Copilot, report."

"Huh? Ready for space."

Hilda said, "Gay Termite. Gay Deceiver, open your doors."

"Well, for the love of-"

"Pipe down! Chief Pilot, I have no stomach for charging my husband with

mutiny but that is what I have been faced with repeatedly. Will you grant me the boon of resuming command to drop me on Earth-without-a-J? I would rather not have to stay on Mars."

"Hilda!"

"I'm sorry, Jacob. I've tried. I'm not up to it. I'm not Jane."

"No one expects you to be Jane! But ever since you became captain, you've been throwing your weight around. Like calling this stunt in the middle of a party. Insulting our host and hostess-"

"Hold it, Jake!"

"What? See here, Zeb, I'm talking to my wife! You keep-"

"I said 'Hold it.' Shut up or I'll shut you up."

"Don't you threaten me!"

"That's not a threat; that's a warning."

"Pop, you had better believe him! I'm not on your side."

Pop took a deep breath. "What do you have to say for yourself, Carter?"

"Nothing, for myself. But you've got your data wrong six ways. One: Captain Hilda did not call this so-called 'stunt.' I did."

"You did? What the devil caused you to do a thing like that?"

"Irrelevant. I convinced the Captain that the matter was urgent, so she gathered us in. All but you-you told her not to bother you or words to that effect. But she gave you another chance-you didn't deserve it; you had long since used up your quota. But she did. She sent me back to tell you we were lifting. It finally penetrated your skull that we might lift without you-"

"To this place!"

"If you had been twenty seconds later, we would have translated to anothe universe. But this nonsense about 'Insulting our host and hostess-' You:

hostess left the tea long before you did; your host left immediately after Hild~ and Deety, leaving his aide-the Brigadier-to close shop. But you are 5( damned self-centered you never noticed. Jake, don't you lecture me on propei behavior as a guest. The first time I laid eyes on you, you were trying to star a fight in Sharpie's ballroom-"

"Huh? But I was fully justi-"

"Dreck. No one is ever justified in starting a fight under a host's roof. Th very most that can be justified under extreme provocation is to tell the othei party privately that you are ready to meet him at another time and place. Jake, I don't enjoy teaching manners to my senior. But your parents neglected you, so I must. If I offend you-if you feel entitled to call me out, I will accommodate you at any other time and place."

Aunt Hilda gasped. "Zebbie! No!" I gasped something like it. My husband patted our hands-together; Hilda was gripping mine. "Don't worry, dears. I didn't call Jake out and won't. I don't want to hurt Jake. He's your husband... your father... my blood brother by spilled blood. But I had to chew him out; he's now entitled to a crack at me. With words, with hands, with whatever. Sharpie, Deety, you can't refuse Jake his rights. No matter what, he still has rights."

Pop said, "Zeb, I am not going to call you out. If you think I am afraid of you, you're welcome. If you think it's because I know you love both Hilda and Deety, you would be closer. A fight between us would endanger their welfare. As you said, we are blood brothers." Pop's tone suddenly changed. "But doesn't mean I like your behavior, you arrogant punk!" -

Zebadiah grinned. "Nob contendere, Pop."

"So you admit it?"

"You know Latin better than that, Jake. Means I'm satisfied to let it lie. We can't afford to quarrel."

"Mmm- A point well taken. Stipulating that I did not come at once when summoned, and tabling, if you will, until later whether or not I had reason, may I now ask why I was summoned? The nature of this problem that caused you to call this conference?"

"Jake, the situation has changed so rapidly that the matter no longer has priority. You heard Sharpie's plans."

My husband looked into Aunt Hilda's eyes. "Captain, I'll be honored to drive you wherever you want to go. Drop you wherever you say. With your choice of equipment and wampum. But with a mail drop, I hope. Are you ready to leave?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Wait a half. You are captain, until you leave us. Orders, Captain? Earthwithout-a-J? Or I'll help you shop others-we might find a world of nudists."

"Why that, Zebbie? I'm not jumpy about skin-but only among close friends."