Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"I'm gifted with second sight."

Deety:

When the Hillbilly stages a production, she doesn't stint. By protocol decreed by Lazarus Long, dinner in Dora is formal, but with wide latitude in "formal"- casual dress being the only thing utterly verboten. Dinner is preceded by a happy hour where one can sip Coca-Cola or get roaring drunk.

Aunt Hilda changed all that for this night. No happy hour but be on time- two minutes before twenty o'clock, ship's time. No one permitted to eat in her! his quarters-a command performance.

No options in dress- Commodore Auntie decided what each would wear, where each would sit. I said, "Commodore Hilda honey, aren't you kind o' throwing your weight around? What there is of it?"

She answered, "Yes, I am, Deetikins, for this occasion. But before you criticize, ask your husband whether or not I ever permitted one of my parties to flop."

"Don't need to ask him. Why, at your last one, our old Buick blew up. Never a dull moment."

"I didn't plan that. But we got husbands out of it; let's not complain. Before you deliver my message to the twins, tell me this. Is it safe to let them in on our secret?"

"Hillbilly, I tell Zebadiah anything even though someone-you, for example-has asked me not to."

"Deety, I thought we had a 'You'll-keep-my-secrets-and-I'll-keep-your-secrets' agreement?"

"We do. But telling Zebadiah gives you two covering for you instead of one. About Laz-Lor-remember that they are his wives as well as his clones."

"Hon, you were always a wise one. All right, we keep it secret. Tell them what to wear-and please understand that I'm hiding behind you to avoid argument; it's a favor I appreciate. Sending up sword and saber is a favor to your husband and to your father but I thank you on their behalf if they forget. Send the blades to your suite; they've decided they can dress more easily without women underfoot."

"A canard," Pop said, just back of my neck. "The women don't want us underfoot."

"I knew it was one or the other, Jacob," Aunt Hilda agreed. "But Dora has already taken your uniforms to our suite and your swords will-"

"-be there, too, and I can recognize a fact when I fall over it and have never been happier, my love, than I have been since you took charge of my life and started telling me what to decide."

"Jacob, you're making me teary."

"Jake! Can you hear me?"-Lazarus' voice and Aunt Hilda used family sign language; Pop nodded and answered promptly:

"Certainly, Lazarus-what's on your mind?"

"I'm faced with the impossible and need help. I received an order-you, too, I think-to dress in military uniform at dinner. The only uniform I have aboard is in the flag cabin and-say, are you in the flag cabin?"

Aunt Hilda shook her head. Pop answered, "I'm in our suite, dressing for dinner. Hilda needed a nap. I told you."

"You certainly did, sir. I'm allergic to being punched in the snoot. But- Well, if you would use your influence-"

"If any."

"If any, to get me that uniform twenty minutes before dinner"-Aunt Hilda nodded-"or even ten, you would save me the horrible dilemma of deciding which order to break."

"Don't decide to break the one telling you not to disturb Hilda."

"I didn't even consider breaking that one! And it's not your fist in my snoot. Jake... she terrifies me. I don't understand it. I'm twice her mass and all muscle; she couldn't possibly hurt me."

"Don't be certain. She has a poisoned fang. But calm yourself, comrade. I guarantee delivery by nineteen minutes before the bell at latest."

"Jake, I knew I could depend on you. Let me know when you want a bank robbed."

I gave Maureen a special hug before I left to carry out my orders. I knew what the Hillbilly was doing: rigging it so that she could have a quiet hour in which to get acquainted with Maureen. I didn't resent it; I would have rigged it for me had I been able.

I curved down the corridor, whistled for Lib to let me in, stopped dead and whistled another sort of whistle. She was dressed, if "dressed" is the word. "Wheeeewhoo!"

"Like it?"

"I can't wait to get into mine. It is the most indecent outfit I've ever seen, with no other purpose than to excite lewd, libidinous, lascivious, licentious, lecherous, lustful longings in the loins of Lotharios."

"Isn't that the purpose of clothing?"

"Well... aside from protection-yes. But I'm beginning to realize that a culture with no body taboo has to go much farther in styling to achieve that purpose."

It was a "dress" with a "skirt" that was a 10-cm ruffle worn low. The material was silky stuff in pastel green. The bodice had no back but the front came clear up to the neck-with cutouts for each teat. The designer did not stop there. Lib's left teat was bare-but her right one was barer pet: a transparent film that clung and was covered with rainbow iridescence that moved in endless patterns with every jiggle-and jiggle we do no matter how firm. Elizabeth is as firm as I am but hers quivered enough to swirl that iridescence just from breathing.

Whew!

If both had been bare, or both iridescent, it would not have done a quarter as much. It was the contrast that would make 'em howl at the Moon.

My dress was exactly like hers save that my right teat was the bare one.

Lib got me into it, then I hurried to the bridge, with a hope-promise to be back ten minutes before the hour to have her touch up my eyebrows and lashes. I'm not much for cosmetics (neither is she) but our lashes and brows hardly show without help and this was a formal occasion.

One of Dora's blue fireflies led me to a lift that took me to the bridge, where Dora had told me I would find Laz and Lor. Laz spotted me first, made a yelling noise while patting her lips, which I took to mean enthusiasm. Those kids- correction: women close to Pop's age but they feel like kids-Laz-Lor are as female as I am and recognize what incites the lovely beast in men. They liked my dress.

I liked that bridge. Reminded me of Star Trek; pointed ears would not have surprised me. Or Nichelle Nichols backed by colored lights. "This place makes my mouth water. Maybe someday a guided tour? Pretty please!"

Captain Lor said, "Certainly-"

"-but how about a swap as-"

"-we haven't even been inside-"

"-Gay Deceiver and Dora says she-"

"-is wonderful and when this job is-"

"-done and we've rescued Mama Maureen there-"

"-won't be anything to stop us once Dora-"

"-is safe on the ground at Tertius. Huh?"

"Certainly," I answered... gleefully as now I knew that our 17-hour absence in zero seconds had not been noticed. To Lor and Laz the snatch was still in the planning stage. Apparently 01' Buddy Boy had not yet told his sisters. Had not yet worked up a set of lies, probably, that would account for his being locked in the bathroom while the rest of us did the job.

"At the earliest opportunity," I went on. "Want to take a ride in Gay?"

"Oh, my! Could we?"

"Not for me to say. But I can tell you what works. Cuddle up to the Commodore. Pet her, be sweet to her. Ask her if she will let you call her 'Aunt Hilda' when you're off duty; that will please her. She's a cat; pet her and respect her feelings and she purrs-push her and she scratches."

They glanced at each other. "We will. Thanks."

"De nada, chicas-"

"You've learned Galacta!" (In chorus-)

"What? No. Probably a phrase that carried over. But I was sent here on duty and I've been chatting instead. Commodore's compliments to the Captain and the Commodore requests that Captain Lorelei Lee Long and First Officer Lapis Lazuli Long join her at dinner at twenty o'clock and, as a favor to the Commodore, please dress in the same fashion as Doctors Libby and Deety- and that's me and I'm wearing the fashion you are to wear."