Robert Heinlein - The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress

"Okay, court has been accepted and all are bound to abide by my verdict. Let's settle fees. How high can you boys go? Please understand I'm not going to judge an elimination for dimes. So ante up or I turn him loose."

Leader blinked, they went into huddle. Shortly he turned and said, "We don't have much. Will you do it for five Kong dollars apiece?"

Six of them--"No. Ought not to ask a court to judge elimination at that price."

They huddled again. "Fifty dollars, Judge?"

"Sixty. Ten each. And another ten from you, Tish," I said to girl.

She looked surprised, indignant. "Come, come!" I said. "Tanstaafl."

She blinked and reached into pouch. She had money; types like that always have.

I collected seventy dollars, laid it on desk, and said to tourist, "Can match it?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Kids are paying seventy dollars Hong Kong for judgment. You should match it. If you can't, open pouch and prove it and can owe it to me. But that's your share." I added, "Cheap, for a capital case. But kids can't pay much so you get a bargain."

"I see. I believe I see." He matched with seventy Hong Kong.

"Thank you," I said. "Now does either side want a jury?" Girl's eyes lit up. "Sure! Let's do it right." Earthworm said, "Under the circumstances perhaps I need one."

"Can have it," I assured. "Want a counsel?"

"Why, I suppose I need a lawyer, too."

"I said 'counsel,' not 'lawyer.' Aren't any lawyers here." Again he seemed delighted. "I suppose counsel, if I elected to have one, would be of the same, uh, informal quality as the rest of these proceedings?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I'm informal sort of judge, that's all. Suit yourself."

"Mm. I think I'll rely on your informality, your honor."

Oldest lad said, "Uh, this jury. You pick up chit? Or do we?"

"I pay it; I agreed to judge for a hundred forty, gross. Haven't you been in court before? But not going to kill my net for extra I could do without. Six jurymen, five dollars each. See who's in Alley."

One boy stepped out and shouted, "Jury work! Five-dollar job!"

They rounded up six men and were what you would expect in Bottom Alley. Didn't worry me as had no intention of paying mind to them. If you go judge, better in good neighborhood with chance of getting solid citizens.

I went behind desk, sat down, put on Brody's plug hat--wondered where he had found it. Probably a castoff from some lodge. "Court's in session," I said. "Let's have names and tell me beef."

Oldest lad was named. Slim Lemke, girl war Patricia Carmen Zhukov; don't remember others. Tourist stepped up, reached into pouch and said, "My card, sir."

I still have it. It read:

STUART RENE LaJOIE

Poet--Traveler--Soldier of Fortune

Beef was tragically ridiculous, fine example of why tourists should not wander around without guides. Sure, guides bleed them white--but isn't that what a tourist is for? This one almost lost life from lack of guidance.

Had wandered into a taproom which lets stilyagi hang out, a sort of clubroom. This simple female had flirted with him. Boys had let matter be, as of course they had to as long as she invited it. But at some point she had laughed and let him have a fist in ribs. He had taken it as casually as a Loonie would... but had answered in distinctly earthworm manner; slipped arm around waist and pulled her to him, apparently tried to kiss her.

Now believe me, in North America this wouldn't matter; I've seen things much like it. But of course Tish was astonished, perhaps frightened. She screamed.

And pack of boys set upon him and roughed him up. Then decided he had to pay for his "crime"--but do it correctly. Find a judge.

Most likely they chickened. Chances are not one had ever dealt with an elimination. But their lady had been insulted, had to be done.

I questioned them, especially Tish, and decided I had it straight. Then said, "Let me sum up. Here we have a stranger. Doesn't know our ways. He offended, he's guilty. But meant no offense far as I can see. What does jury say? Hey, you there!--wake up! What you say?"

Juryman looked up blearily, said, "'Liminate him!"

"Very well? And you?"

"Well--" Next one hesitated. "Guess it would be enough just to beat tar out of him, so he'll know better next time. Can't have men pawing women, or place will get to be as bad as they say Terra is."

"Sensible," I agreed. "And you?"

Only one juror voted for elimination. Others ranged from a beating to very high fines.

"What do you think, Slim?"

"Well--" He was worried--face in front of gang, face in front of what might be his girl. But had cooled down and didn't want chum eliminated. "We already worked him over. Maybe if he got down on hands and knees and kissed floor in front of Tish and said he was sorry?"

"Will you do that, Gospodin LaJoie?"

"If you so rule, your honor."

"I don't. Here's my verdict. First that juryman--you!--you are fined fee paid you because you fell asleep while supposed to be judging. Grab him, boys, take it away from him and throw him out."

They did, enthusiastically; made up a little for greater excitement they had thought of but really could not stomach. "Now, Gospodin LaJoie, you are fined fifty Hong Kong for not having common sense to learn local customs before stirring around. Ante up."

I collected it. "Now you boys line up. You are fined five dollars apiece for not exercising good judgment in dealing with a person you knew was a stranger and not used to our ways. Stopping him from touching Tish, that's fine. Rough him, that's okay, too; he'll learn faster. And could have tossed him out. But talking about eliminating for what was honest mistake--well, it's out of proportion. Five bucks each. Ante up.

Slim gulped. "Judge... I don't think we have that much left! At least I don't."

"I thought that might be. You have a week to pay or I post your names in Old Dome. Know where Bon Ton Beauté Shoppe is, near easement lock thirteen? My wife runs it; pay her. Court's out. Slim, don't go away. Nor you, Tish. Gospodin LaJoie, let's take these young people up and buy them a cold drink and get better acquainted."

Again his eyes filled with odd delight that reminded of Prof.

"A charming idea, Judge!"

"I'm no longer judge. It's up a couple of ramps... so I suggest you offer Tish your arm."

He bowed and said, "My lady? May I?" and crooked his elbow to her. Tish at once became very grown up. "Spasebo, Gospodin! I am pleased."

Took them to expensive place, one where their wild clothes and excessive makeup looked out of place; they were edgy. But I tried to make them feel easy and Stuart LaJoie tried even harder and successfully. Got their addresses as well as names; Wyoh had one sequence which was concentrating on stilyagi. Presently they finished their coolers, stood up, thanked and left. LaJoie and I stayed on.

"Gospodin," he said presently, "you used an odd word earlier--odd to me, I mean."

"Call me 'Mannie' now that kids are gone. What word?"

"It was when you insisted that the, uh, young lady, Tish-- that Tish must pay, too. 'Tone-stapple,' or something like it."

"Oh, 'tanstaafl.' Means ~There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.' And isn't," I added, pointing to a FREE LUNCH sign across room, "or these drinks would cost half as much. Was reminding her that anything free costs twice as much in long run or turns out worthless."

"An interesting philosophy."

"Not philosophy, fact. One way or other, what you get, you pay for." I fanned air. "Was Earthside once and heard expression 'Free as air.' This air isn't free, you pay for every breath."

"Really? No one has asked me to pay to breathe." He smiled. "Perhaps I should stop."

"Can happen, you almost breathed vacuum tonight. But nobody asks you because you've paid. For you, is part of round-trip ticket; for me it's a quarterly charge." I started to tell how my family buys and sells air to community co-op, decided was too complicated. "But we both pay."