Chris Patterson - Going Postal

‘Thanks, thanks,' said Moist, struggling with his tie. ‘You're in charge, Mr Groat. Should all be quiet this evening. Remember, first thing tomorrow, all mail for Pseudopolis ten pence a go, okay?'

‘Right you are, sir. Can I wear the hat now?' Groat pleaded.

‘What? What?' said Moist, staring into the mirror. ‘Look, have I got spinach between my teeth?'

‘Have You Eaten Spinach Today, Sir?' said Mr Pump.

‘I haven't eaten spinach since I was old enough to spit,' said Moist. ‘But people always worry about that at a time like this, don't they? I thought it just turned up somehow. You know... like moss? What was it you asked me, Tolliver?'

‘Can I wear the hat, sir?' said Groat patiently. ‘Bein' as I'm your deputy and you're going out, sir.'

‘But we're closed, Groat.'

‘Yes, but... it's... I'd just like to wear the hat. For a while, sir. Just for a while, sir. If it's all right with you.' Groat shifted from one foot to the other. ‘I mean, I will be in charge.'

Moist sighed. ‘Yes, of course, Mr Groat. You may wear the hat. Mr Pump?'

‘Yes, Sir?'

‘Mr Groat is in charge for the evening. You will not follow me, please.'

‘No, I Will Not. My Day Off Begins Now. For All Of Us. We Will Return At Sunset Tomorrow,' said the golem.

‘Oh... yes.' One day off every week, Miss Dearheart said. It was part of what distinguished golems from hammers. ‘I wish you'd given me more warning, you know? We're going to be a bit short-staffed.'

‘You Were Told, Mr Lipvig.'

‘Yes, yes. It is a rule. It's just that tomorrow is going to be—'

‘Don't you worry about a thing, sir,' said Groat. ‘Some of the lads I hired today, sir, they're postmen's sons, sir, and grandsons. No problem, sir. They'll be out delivering tomorrow.'

‘Oh. Good. That's fine, then.' Moist adjusted the tie again. A black tie on a black shirt under a black jacket isn't easy even to find. ‘All right, Mr Pump? Still no attack of spinach? I'm going to see a lady.'

‘Yes, Mr Lipvig. Miss Dearheart,' said the golem calmly.

‘How did you know that?' said Moist.

‘You Shouted It Out In Front Of Approximately A Hundred People, Mr Lipvig,' said Mr Pump. ‘We - That Is To Say, Mr Lipvig, All The Golems - We Wish Miss Dearheart Was A Happier Lady. She Has Had Much Trouble. She Is Looking For Someone With—'

‘—a cigarette lighter?' said Moist quickly. ‘Stop right there, Mr Pump, please! Cupids are these... little overweight kids in nappies, all right? Not big clay people.'

‘Anghammarad Said She Reminded Him Of Lela The Volcano Goddess, Who Smokes All The Time Because The God Of Rain Has Rained On Her Lava,' the golem went on.

‘Yes, but women always complain about that sort of thing,' said Moist. ‘I look all right, Mr Groat, do I?'

‘Oh, sir,' said Groat, ‘I shouldn't think Mr Moist von Lipwig ever has to worry when he's off to meet a young lady, eh?'

Come to think of it, Moist came to think as he hurried through the crowded streets, he never has been off to meet a young lady. Not in all these years. Oh, Albert and all the rest of them had met hundreds, and had all kinds of fun, including once getting his jaw dislocated which was only fun in a no-fun-at-all kind of way. But Moist, never. He'd always been behind the false moustache or glasses or, really, just the false person. He had that naked feeling again, and began to wish he hadn't left his golden suit behind.

When he reached the Mended Drum he remembered why he had.

People kept telling him that Ankh-Morpork was a lot more civilized these days, that between them the Watch and the Guilds had settled things down enough to ensure that actually being attacked while going about your lawful business in Ankh-Morpork was now merely a possibility instead of, as it once was, a matter of course. And the streets were so clean now that you could sometimes even see the street.

But the Mended Drum could be depended upon. If someone didn't come out of the door backwards and fall down in the street just as you passed, then there was something wrong with the world.

And there was a fight going on. More or less. But in some ways at least time had moved on. You couldn't just haul off and belt someone with an axe these days. People expected things of a bar brawl. As he went in Moist passed a large group of men of the broken-nosed, one-eared persuasion, bent in anxious conclave.

‘Look, Bob, what part of this don't you understand, eh? It's a matter of style, okay? A proper brawl doesn't just happen . You don't just pile in, not any more. Now, Oyster Dave here - put your helmet back on, Dave - will be the enemy in front and Basalt who, as we know, don't need a helmet, he'll be the enemy coming up behind you. Okay, it's well past knuckles time, let's say Gravy there has done his thing with the Bench Swipe, there's a bit of knifeplay, we've done the whole Chandelier Swing number, blah blah blah, then Second Chair - that's you, Bob - you step smartly between their Number Five man and a Bottler, swing the chair back over your head like this - sorry, Pointy -and then swing it right back on to Number Five, bang, crash, and there's a cushy six points in your pocket. If they're playing a dwarf at Number Five then a chair won't even slow him down but don't fret, hang on to the bits that stay in your hand, pause one moment as he comes at you and then belt him across both ears. They hate that, as Stronginthearm here will tell you. Another three points. It's probably going to be freestyle after that but I want all of you, including Mucky Mick and Crispo, to try for a Double Andrew when it gets down to the fist-fighting again. Remember? You back into each other, turn round to give the other guy a thumping, cue moment of humorous recognition, then link left arms, swing round and see to the other fellow's attacker, foot or fist, it's your choice. Fifteen points right there if you get it to flow just right. Oh, and remember we'll have an Igor standing by, so if your arm gets taken off do pick it up and hit the other bugger with it - it gets a laugh and twenty points. On that subject, do remember what I said about getting everything tattooed with your name, all right? Igors do their best, but you'll be on your feet much quicker if you make life easier for him and, what's more, it's your feet you'll be on. Okay, positions everyone, let's run through it again...'

Moist sidled past the group and scanned the huge room. The important thing was not to slow down. Slowing down attracted people.

He saw a thin plume of blue smoke rise above the crowd, and forced his way through.

Miss Dearheart was sitting alone at a very small table with a very small drink in front of her. She couldn't have been there long; the only other stool was unoccupied.

‘Do you come in here often?' said Moist, slipping on to it quickly.

Miss Dearheart raised her eyebrows at him. ‘Yes. Why not?'

‘Well, I... I imagine it's not very safe for a woman on her own.'

‘What, with all these big strong men here to protect me? Why don't you go and get your drink?'

Moist got to the bar eventually, by dropping a handful of small change on the floor. That usually cleared the crush a little.

When he returned, his seat was occupied by a Currently Friendly Drunk. Moist recognized the type, and the operative word was ‘currently'. Miss Dearheart was leaning back to avoid his attentions and more probably his breath.

Moist heard the familiar cry of the generously sloshed.

‘What... right? What I'm saying is, right, what I'm saying, narhmean, why won't you, right, gimme a kiss, right? All I'm saying is—'

Oh gods, I'm going to have to do something, Moist thought. He's big and he's got a sword like a butcher's cleaver and the moment I say anything he's going to go right into stage four, Violent Undirected Madman, and they can be surprisingly accurate before they fall over.