Chris Patterson - Going Postal

According to Post Office legend, Mr Rumbelow had replied: ‘Firstly, sir, I reasoned that if I destroyed the universe all in one go no one would know; secondly, when I walloped the thing the first time the wizards ran away, so I surmised that unless they had another universe to run to they weren't really certain; and lastly, sir, the bloody thing was getting on my nerves. Never could stand machinery, sir.'

‘And that was the end of it, sir,' said Mr Groat, as they left the room. ‘Actually, I heard where the wizards were saying that the universe was destroyed all in one go but instantly came back all in one go. They said they could tell by lookin', sir. So that was okay and it let old Rumbelow off'f the hook, on account it's hard to discipline a man under Post Office Regulations for destroying the universe all in one go. Mind you - hah - there've been postmasters that would have given it a try. But it knocked the stuffing out of us, sir. It was all downhill after that. The men had lost heart. It broke us, to tell you the truth.'

‘Look,' said Moist, ‘the letters we've just given the lads, they're not from some other dimension or—'

‘Don't worry, I checked ‘em last night,' said Groat. ‘They're just old. Mostly you can tell by the stamp. I'm good at telling which ones are prop'ly ours, sir. Had years to learn. It's a skill, sir.'

‘Could you teach other people?'

‘I dare say, yes,' said Groat.

‘Mr Groat, the letters have talked to me,' Moist burst out.

To his surprise, the old man grabbed his hand and shook it. ‘Well done, sir!' he said, tears rising in his eyes. ‘I said it's a skill, didn't I? Listen to the whispers, that's half the trick! They're alive, sir, alive . Not like people, but like... ships are alive, sir. I'll swear, all them letters pressed together in here, all the... the passion of ‘em, sir, why, I do think this place has got something like a soul, sir, indeed I do...'

The tears coursed down Groat's cheeks. It's madness, of course, thought Moist. But now I've got it, too.

‘Ah, I can see it in your eyes, sir, yes I can!' said Groat, grinning wetly. ‘The Post Office has found you! It's enfolded you, sir, yes it has. You'll never leave it, sir. There's families that've worked here for hundreds and hundreds of years, sir. Once the postal service puts its stamp on you, sir, there's no turning back...'

Moist disentangled his hand as tactfully as he could.

‘Yes,' he said. ‘Do tell me about stamps.'

Thump.

Moist looked down at the piece of paper. Smudgy red letters, chipped and worn, spelled out: ‘Ankh-Morpork Post Office.'

‘That's right, sir,' said Groat, waving the heavy metal and wood stamper in the air. ‘I bang the stamp on the ink pad here, then bang it, sir, bang it on the letter. There! See? Done it again. Same every time. Stamped.'

‘And this is worth a penny?' said Moist. ‘Good grief, man, a kid could forge this with half a potato!'

‘That was always a bit of a problem, sir, yes,' said Groat.

‘Why does a postman have to stamp the letters, anyway?' said Moist. ‘Why don't we just sell people a stamp?'

‘But they'd pay a penny and then go on stamping for ever, sir,' said Groat, reasonably.

In the machinery of the universe, the wheels of inevitability clicked into position...

‘Well, then,' said Moist, staring thoughtfully at the paper, ‘how about... how about a stamp you can use only once?'

‘You mean, like, not much ink?' said Groat. His brow wrinkled, causing his toupee to slip sideways.

‘I mean... if you stamped the stamper lots of times on paper, then cut out all the stampings...' Moist stared at an inner vision, if only to avoid the sight of the toupee slowly crawling back. ‘The rate for delivery anywhere in the city is a penny, isn't it?'

‘Except for the Shades, sir. That's five pence ‘cos of the armed guard,' said Groat.

‘Right. O-kay. I think I might have something here...' Moist looked up at Mr Pump, who was smouldering in the corner of the office. ‘Mr Pump, would you be so good as to go along to the Goat and Spirit Level over at Hen-and-Chickens and ask the publican for "Mr Robinson's box", please? He may want a dollar. And while you're over there, there's a printing shop over that way, Teemer and Spools. Leave a message to say that the Postmaster General wishes to discuss a very large order.'

‘Teemer and Spools? They're very expensive, sir,' said Groat. ‘They do all the posh printing for the banks.'

‘They're the very devil to forge, I know that,' said Moist. ‘Or so I've been told,' he added quickly. ‘Watermarks, special weaves in the paper, all kinds of tricks. Ahem. So... a penny stamping, and a fivepenny stamping... what about post to the other cities?'

‘Five pence to Sto Lat,' said Groat. ‘Ten or fifteen to the others. Hah, three dollars for all the way to Genua. We used to have to write those out.'

‘We'll need a one-dollar stamp, then.' Moist started to scribble on the scrap of paper.

‘A dollar stamp! Who'd buy one of those?' said Groat.

Anyone who wants to send a letter to Genua,' said Moist. ‘They'll buy three, eventually. But for now I'm dropping the price to one dollar.'

‘One dollar! That's thousands of miles, sir!' Groat protested.

‘Yep. Sounds like a bargain, right?'

Groat looked torn between exultation and despair. ‘But we've only got a bunch of old men, sir! They're pretty spry, I'll grant you, but... well, you've got to learn to walk before you try to run, sir!'

‘No!' Moist's fist thumped the table. ‘Never say that, Tolliver! Never! Run before you walk! Fly before you crawl! Keep moving forward! You think we should try to get a decent mail service in the city. I think we should try to send letters anywhere in the world! Because if we fail, I'd rather fail really hugely. All or nothing, Mr Groat!'

‘Wow, sir!' said Groat.

Moist grinned his bright, sunny smile. It very nearly reflected off his suit.

‘Let's get busy. We're going to need more staff, Postal Inspector Groat. A lot more staff. Smarten up, man. The Post Office is back!'

‘Yessir!' said Groat, drunk on enthusiasm. ‘We'll... we'll do things that are quite new, in interestin' ways!'

‘You're getting the hang of it already,' said Moist, rolling his eyes.

Ten minutes later, the Post Office received its first delivery.

It was Senior Postman Bates, blood streaming down his face. He was helped into the office by two Watch officers, carrying a makeshift stretcher.

‘Found him wandering in the street, sir,' said one of them. ‘Sergeant Colon, sir, at your service.'

‘What happened to him?' said Moist, horrified.

Bates opened his eyes. ‘Sorry, sir,' he murmured. ‘I held on tight, but they belted me over the bonce with a big thing!'

‘Coupla toughs jumped him,' said Sergeant Colon. ‘They threw his bag in the river, too.'

‘Does that normally happen to postmen?' said Moist. ‘I thought— Oh, no...'

The new, painfully slow arrival was Senior Postman Aggy, dragging one leg because it had a bulldog attached to it.

‘Sorry about this, sir,' he said, limping forward. ‘I think my official trousers is torn. I stunned the bugger with my bag, sir, but they're a devil to get to let go.' The bulldog's eyes were shut; it appeared to be thinking of something else.

‘Good job you've got your armour, eh?' said Moist.

‘Wrong leg, sir. But not to worry. I'm nat'rally imp-ervious around the calfy regions. It's all the scar tissue, sir, you could strike matches on it. Jimmy Tropes is in trouble, though. He's up a tree in Hide Park.'

Moist von Lipwig strode up Market Street, face set with grim purpose. The boards were still up on the Golem Trust, but had attracted another layer of graffiti. The paint on the door was burnt and bubbled, too.