Chris Patterson - Going Postal

‘Inkwells? Filling inkwells?' said Moist. ‘This is just an old building full of... of... of dead paper! We have no customers !'

‘Got to keep the inkwells filled, sir. Post Office Regulations,' said Groat in a steely voice. ‘Got to follow Regulations, sir.'

‘For what? It appears we don't accept any mail or deliver any mail! We just sit here!'

‘No, sir, we don't just sit here,' said Groat patiently. ‘We follow the Post Office Regulations. Fill the inkwells, polish the brass—'

‘You don't sweep up the pigeon shit!'

‘Oddly enough, that's not in the Regulations, sir,' said the old man. ‘Truth is, sir, no one wants us any more. It's all the clacks now, the damn clacks, clack clack clack. Everyone's got a clacks tower now, sir. That's the fashion. Fast as the speed of light, they say. Ha! It's got no soul, sir, no heart. I hates ‘em. But we're ready, sir. If there was any mail, we'd deal with it, sir. We'd spring into action, sir, spring into action. But there ain't.'

‘Of course there isn't! It's clearly sunk into this town long ago that you might as well throw your letters away as give them to the Post Office!'

‘No, sir, wrong again. They're all kept, sir. That's what we do, sir. We keep things as they are. We try not to disturb things, sir,' said Groat quietly. ‘We try not to disturb anything !

The way he said it made Moist hesitate.

‘What kind of anything?' he said.

‘Oh, nothing, sir. We just... go carefully.'

Moist looked around the room. Did it appear smaller? Did the shadows deepen and lengthen? Was there a sudden cold sensation in the air?

No, there wasn't. But an opportunity had definitely been missed, Moist felt. The hairs on the back of his neck were rising. Moist had heard that this was because men had been made out of monkeys, and it meant that there was a tiger behind you.

In fact Mr Pump was behind him, just standing there, eyes burning more brightly than any tiger had ever managed. That was worse. Tigers couldn't follow you across the sea, and they had to sleep.

He gave up. Mr Groat was in some strange, musty little world of his own. ‘Do you call this a life?' he said.

For the first time in this conversation, Mr Groat looked him squarely in the eye. ‘Much better than a death, sir,' he said.

Mr Pump followed Moist across the main hall and out of the main doors, at which point Moist turned on him.

‘All right, what are the rules here?' he demanded. ‘Are you going to follow me everywhere7 . You know I can't run!'

‘You Are Allowed Autonomous Movement Within The City And Environs,' the golem rumbled. ‘But Until You Are Settled In I Am Also Instructed To Accompany You For Your Own Protection.'

‘Against who? Someone annoyed that their great-granddaddy's mail didn't turn up?'

‘I Couldn't Say, Sir.'

‘I need some fresh air. What happened in there? Why is it so... creepy? What happened to the Post Office?'

‘I Couldn't Say, Sir,' said Mr Pump placidly.

‘You don't know? But it's your city,' said Moist sarcastically. ‘Have you been stuck at the bottom of a hole in the ground for the last hundred years?'

‘No, Mr Lipvig,' said the golem.

‘Well, why can't—' Moist began.

‘It Was Two Hundred And Forty Years, Mr Lipvig,' said the golem.

‘What was?'

‘The Time I Spent At The Bottom Of The Hole In The Ground, Mr Lipvig.'

‘What are you talking about?' said Moist.

‘Why, The Time I Spent At The Bottom Of The Hole In The Ground, Mr Lipvig. Pump Is Not My Name, Mr Lipvig. It Is My Description. Pump. Pump 19, To Be Precise. I Stood At The Bottom Of A Hole A Hundred Feet Deep And Pumped Water. For Two Hundred And Forty Years, Mr Lipvig. But Now I Am Ambulating In The Sunlight. This Is Better, Mr Lipvig. This Is Better!'

That night, Moist lay staring at the ceiling. It was three feet from him. Hanging from it, a little distance away, was a candle in a safety lantern. Stanley had been insistent about that, and no wonder. This place would go up like a bomb. It was the boy who'd showed him up here; Groat was sulking somewhere. He'd been right, damn him. He needed Groat. Groat practically was the Post Office.

It had been a long day and Moist hadn't slept well last night, what with being upside down over Mr Pump's shoulder and occasionally kicked by the frantic horse.

He didn't want to sleep here either, heavens knew, but he didn't have lodgings he could use any more, and they were at a premium in this hive of a city in any case. The locker room did not appeal, no, not at all. So he'd simply scrambled on to the pile of dead letters in what was in theory his office. It was no great hardship. A man of affairs such as he had to learn to sleep in all kinds of situations, often while mobs were looking for him a wall's thickness away. At least the heaps of letters were dry and warm and weren't carrying edged weapons.

Paper crackled underneath him as he tried to get comfortable. Idly, he picked up a letter at random; it was addressed to someone called Antimony Parker at 1 Lobbin Clout, and on the back, in capitals, was S.W.A.L.K. He eased it open with a fingernail; the paper inside all but crumbled at his touch.

My Very Dearest Timony,

Yes! Why should a Woman, Sensible of the Great Honour that a Man is Doing Her, play the Coy Minx at such a time! I know you have spoken to Papa, and of course I consent to becoming the Wife of the Kindest, Most Wonderfu—

Moist glanced at the date on the letter. It had been written forty-one years ago.

He was not as a rule given to introspection, it being a major drawback in his line of work, but he couldn't help wondering if - he glanced back at the letter - ‘Your loving Agnathea' had ever married Antimony, or whether the romance had died right here in this graveyard of paper.

He shivered, and tucked the envelope into his jacket. He'd have to ask Groat what S.W.A.L.K. meant.

‘Mr Pump!' he shouted.

There was a faint rumble from the corner of the room where the golem stood, waist-deep in mail.

‘Yes, Mr Lipvig?'

‘Is there no way you can shut your eyes? I can't sleep with two red glowing eyes watching me. It's a... well, it's a childhood thing.'

‘Sorry, Mr Lipvig. I Could Turn My Back.'

‘That won't work. I'd still know they're there. Anyway, the glow reflects off the wall. Look, where would I run to?'

The golem gave this some thought. ‘I Will Go And Stand In The Corridor, Mr Lipvig,' he decided, and began to wade towards the door.

‘You do that,' said Moist. ‘And in the morning I want you to find my bedroom, okay? Some of the offices still have space near the ceiling; you can move the letters into there.'

‘Mr Groat Does Not Like The Mail To Be Moved, Mr Lipvig,' the golem rumbled.

‘Mr Groat is not the postmaster, Mr Pump. I am.'

Good gods, the madness is catching, Moist thought, as the golem's glow disappeared into the darkness outside. I am not the postmaster, I'm some poor bastard who's the victim of some stupid... experiment. What a place! What a situation! What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.

He tried to find the angle, the way out... but all the time a conversation kept bouncing off the insides of his brain.

Imagine a hole, a hundred feet deep and full of water.

Imagine the darkness. Imagine, at the bottom of the hole, a figure roughly of human shape, turning in that swirling darkness a massive handle once every eight seconds.

Pump... Pump... Pump...

For two hundred and forty years.

‘You didn't mind?' Moist had asked.

‘You Mean Did I Harbour Resentment, Mr Lipvig? But I Was Doing Useful And Necessary Work! Besides, There Was Much For Me To Think About.'