Terry Pratchett: The Bromeliad 1 - Truckers

'Don't know,' said Masklin, even more mystified 'What's a carpet?' Wow!' The nome got a grip on himself and e tended a shaking hand. 'My name's Angalo,' he said. 'Angalo de Haberdasheri. Haha. Of course that won't mean anything to you! And this is Bobo.' The rat appeared to grin. Masklin had never heard a rat called anything, except perhaps, if you were driven to it, 'dinner'.

'I'm Masklin,' he said. 'Is it all right if the rest of us come down? It was a long journey.' 'Gosh, yes! All from Outside? My father'll never believe it!' 'I'm. sorry,' said Masklin. 'I don't understand. What's so special? We were outside. Now we're inside.' Angalo ignored him. He was staring at the oth­ers as they came stiffly down the line, grumbling.

'Old people, too!' said Angalo. 'And they look just like us! Not even pointy heads or anything!' 'Sauce!' said Granny Morkie. Angalo stopped grinning.

'Madam,' he said icily, 'do you know who you're talking to?' 'Someone who's not too old for a smacked bot­tom,' said Granny Morkie. 'If I looked just like you, my lad, I'd look a great deal better. Pointy heads, indeed!' Angalo's mouth opened and shut silently. Then he said: 'It's amazing! I mean, Dorcas said that even if there was a possibility of life outside the Store, it wouldn't be life as we know it! Please, please, all follow me.' They exchanged glances as Angalo scurried away towards the edge of the lorry nest, but followed him anyway. There wasn't much of an alternative.

'I remember when your old dad stayed out too in the sun one day. He talked rubbish, too, just like this one,' said Granny Morkie quietly. Torrit appeared to be reaching a conclusion. They waited for it politely.

'I reckon,' he said at last, 'I reckon we ought to eat his rat.' 'You shut up, you,' said Granny, automatically. 'I'm leader, I am. You've got no right, talking like that to a leader,' Torrit whined.

'O'course you're leader,' snapped Granny Mor­kie 'Who said you weren't leader? I never said you. weren't leader. You're leader.' 'Right,' sniffed Torrit.

'And now shut up,' said Granny. Masklin tapped Angalo on the shoulder. 'Where is this place?' he said.

Angalo stopped by the wall, which towered up into the distance.

'You don't know?' he said.

We just thought, well, we just hoped that the lorries went to - to a good place to be,' said Grimma.

'Well, you heard right,' said Angalo proudly. 'This is the best place to be. This is the Store!'

xiii. And in the Store there was neither Night nor Day, only Opening Time and Closing Time. Rain fell not, neither was there Snow.

xiv. And the nomes grew fat and multiplied as the years passed, and spent their time in Rivalry and Small War, Department unto Department, and forgot all they knew of the Outside.

xv. For they said, Is it not so, Arnold Bros (est. 1905) has put All Things Under One Roof'? xvi. And those who said, Perhaps Not All Things, were cruelly laughed at, and prodded.

xvii. And other nomes said, Even if there were an Outside, What can it hold that we would need? For here we have the power of the Electric, the Food Hall, and All manner of Diversions.

xviii. And thus the Seasons fell thicker than the cushions that are in Soft Furnishings (3rd Floor).

xix. Until a Stranger came from afar, crying out in a loud voice, and he cried, woe, woe.

From The Book of Nome, First Floor v.XII-XIX They tripped over one another, they walked with their heads turned upward and their mouths open they gawked. Angalo had stopped by a hole in the wall, and waved them through hurriedly.

'In here,' he said.

Granny Morkie sniffed.

'That's a rat hole,' she said. 'You're not asking me to go down a rat hole?' She turned to Torrit 'He's asking me to go down a rat hole! I'm not going down a rat hole!' 'Why not?' said Angalo..

'It's a rat hole!' 'That's just what it looks like,' said Angalo. 'It' a disguised entrance, that's all.' 'Your rat just went through it,' said Granny Morkie triumphantly. 'I've got eyes. It's a rat hole.' Angalo gave Grimma a pleading look and ducked through the hole. She poked her head through after him.

'I don't think it's a rat hole, Granny,' she said, in a slightly muffled voice.

'And why is that, pray?' 'Because there's stairs inside. Oh, and dear little lights.' It was a long climb. They had to stop and wail several times for the old ones to catch up, and Torrit had to be helped most of the way. At the top, the stairs went through a more dignified sort of door into- Even when he was young, Masklin had never seen more than forty nomes all together at once There were more that that here. And there was food. It didn't look like anything he recognized, but it had to be food. After all, people were eating it A space about twice as high as he was stretched away into the distance. Food was stacked in neat piles with aisles between them, and these were thronged with nomes. No one paid much attention to the little group as it shuffled obediently behind Angalo,, who had got some of his old swagger back.

Several nomes had sleek rats on leads. Some of the ladies had mice, which trotted obediently behind them, and out of the corner of his ear Masklin could hear Granny Morkie tut-tutting her disapproval.

He also heard old Torrit say excitedly, 'I know that stuff! That's cheese! There was a cheese sandwich in the bin once, back in the summer of eighty-four, d'you remember-?' Granny Morkie nudged him hard in his skinny ribs.

'You shut up, you,' she commanded. 'You don't want to show us up in front of all these folk; do you? Be a leader. Act proud.' They weren't very good at it. They walked in stunned silence. Fruits and vegetables were &tacked behind trestle tables, with nomes working industriously on them. There were other things, too, which he couldn't begin to recognize. Masklin didn't want to show his ignorance, but curiosity got the better of him.

'What's that thing over there?' he said, pointing. 'It's a salami sausage,' said Angalo. 'Ever had it before?' 'Not lately,' said Masklin, truthfully.

'And they're dates,' said Angalo. 'And that's a banana. I expect you've never seen, a banana before, have you?' Masklin opened his mouth, but Granny Morkie beat him to it.

'Bit small, that one,' she said, and sniffed.

'Quite tiny, in fact, compared to the ones we got at home.' - 'It is, is it?' said Angalo, suspiciously.

'Oh, yes,' said Granny, beginning to warm to her subject. 'Very puny. Why, the ones we got at home,' she paused and looked at the banana, lying on a couple of trestles like a canoe, and her lips moved as she thought fast, 'why,' she added triumphantly, 'we could hardly dig them out o' the ground!' She stared victoriously at Angalo, who tried to outstare her and gave up.

'Well, whatever,' he said vaguely, looking away. 'You may all help yourselves. Tell the nomes in charge that it's to go on the Haberdasheri account, will you? But don't say you've come from Outside. I want that to be a surprise.' There was a general rush in the direction of the food. Even Granny Morkie just happened to wander towards it, and acted quite surprised to find her way blocked by a cake.

Only Masklin stayed where he was, despite the urgent complaints from his stomach. He wasn't sure he even began to understand how things worked in the Store, but he had an obscure feeling that if you didn't face them with dignity you could end up doing things you weren't entirely happy about.

'You're not hungry?' said Angalo.

'I'm hungry,' admitted Masklin, 'I'm just not eating. Where does all the food come from?' 'Oh, we take it from the humans,' said Angalo airily. 'They're rather stupid, you know.' 'And they don't mind?' 'They think it's rats,' sniggered Angalo. We take up rat doodahs with us. At least, the Food Hall families do,' he corrected himself. 'Sometimes they let other people go up with them. Then the humans just think it's rats.' Masklin's brow wrinkled.