Terry Pratchett - The Wee Free Men

The lawyers had pulled large books out of nowhere and were thumbing through them hastily. 'We're not familiar with counsel's terminology,' said one of them.

'Hey, they're sweatin',' said Rob Anybody. 'You mean we can have lawyers on oour side as well?'

'Yes, of course,' said the toad. 'You can have defence lawyers.'

'Defence?' said Rob Anybody. 'Are you tellin' me we could get awa' wi' it 'cos of a tishoo o' lies?'

'Certainly,' said the toad. 'And with all the treasure you've stolen you can pay enough to be very innocent indeed. My fee will be—'

It gulped as a dozen glowing swords were swung towards him.

'I've just remembered why that fairy godmother turned me into a toad,' it said. 'So, in the circumstances, I'll take this case pro bono publico.'

The swords didn't move.

'That means for free,' it added.

'Oh, right, we like the sound o' that,' said Rob Anybody, to the sound of swords being sheathed. 'How come ye're a lawyer an' a toad?'

'Oh, well, it was just bit of an argument,' said the toad. 'A fairy godmother gave my client three wishes—the usual health, wealth and happiness package—and when my client woke up one wet morning and didn't feel particularly happy she got me to bring an action for breach of contract. It was a definite first in the history of fairy godmothering. Unfortunately, as it turned out, so was turning the client into a small hand mirror and her lawyer, as you see before you, into a toad. I think the worst part was when the judge applauded. That was hurtful, in my opinion.'

'But ye can still remember all that legal stuff? Quid,' said Rob Anybody. He glared at the other lawyers. 'Hey, youse scunners, we got a cheap lawyer and we no' afraid tae use him wi' prejudice!'

The other lawyers were pulling more and more paperwork out of the air now. They looked worried, and a little frightened. Rob Anybody's eyes gleamed as he watched them.

'What does all that Viznee-facey-em stuff mean, my learned friend?' he said.

'Vis-ne faciem capite repletam,' said the toad. 'It was the best I could do in a hurry, but it means, approximately,' he gave a little cough, ' "would you like a face which is full of head?"'

'And tae think we didnae know legal talkin' was that simple,' said Rob Anybody. 'We could all be lawyers, lads, if we knew the fancy words! Let's get them!'

The Nac Mac Feegle could change mood in a moment, especially at the sound of a battle cry. They raised their swords in the air.

'Twelve hundred angry men!' they shouted .

'Nae more courtroom drama!'

'We ha' the law on oour side!'

'The law's made to tak' care o' raskills!'

'No,' said the Queen, and waved her hand.

Lawyers and pictsies faded away. There was just her and Tiffany, facing one another on the turf at dawn, the wind hissing around the stones.

'What have you done with them?' Tiffany shouted.

'Oh, they're around... somewhere,' said the Queen airily. 'It's all dreams, anyway. And dreams within dreams. You can't rely on anything, little girl. Nothing is real. Nothing lasts. Everything goes. All you can do is learn to dream. And it's too late for that. And I... I have had longer to learn.'

Tiffany wasn't sure which of her thoughts was operating now. She was tired. She felt as though she was watching herself from above and a little behind. She saw herself set her boots firmly on the turf, and then...

... and then...

... and then, like someone rising from the clouds of a sleep, she felt the deep, deep Time below her. She sensed the breath of the downs and the distant roar of ancient, ancient seas trapped in millions of tiny shells. She thought of Granny Aching, under the turf, becoming part of the chalk again, part of the land under wave. She felt as if huge wheels, of time and stars, were turning slowly around her.

She opened her eyes and then, somewhere inside, opened her eyes again.

She heard the grass growing, and the sound of worms below the turf. She could feel the thousands of little lives around her, smell all the scents on the breeze, and see all the shades of the night...

The wheels of stars and years, of space and time, locked into place. She knew exactly where she was, and who she was, and what she was.

She swung a hand. The Queen tried to stop her, but she might as well have tried to stop a wheel of years. Tiffany's hand caught her face and knocked her off her feet.

'I never cried for Granny because there was no need to,' she said. 'She has never left me!'

She leaned down, and centuries bent with her.

'The secret is not to dream,' she whispered. 'The secret is to wake up. Waking up is harder. I have woken up and I am real. I know where I come from and I know where I'm going. You cannot fool me any more. Or touch me. Or anything that is mine.'

I'll never be like this again, she thought, as she saw the terror in the Queen's face. I'll never again feel as tall as the sky and as old as the hills and as strong as the sea. I've been given something for a while, and the price of it is that I have to give it back.

And the reward is giving it back, too. No human could live like this. You could spend a day looking at a flower to see how wonderful it is, and that wouldn't get the milking done. No wonder we dream our way through our lives. To be awake, and see it all as it really is... no one could stand that for long.

She took a deep breath, and picked the Queen up. She was aware of things happening, of dreams roaring around her, but they didn't affect her. She was real and she was awake, more awake than she'd ever been. She had to concentrate even to think against the storm of sensations pouring into her mind.

The Queen was as light as a baby and changed shape madly in Tiffany's arms—into monsters and mixed-up beasts, things with claws and tentacles. But, at last, she was small and grey, like a monkey, with a large head and big eyes and a little downy chest that went up and down as she panted.

She reached the stones. The arch still stood. It was never down, Tiffany thought. She had no strength, no magic, just one trick. The worst one.

'Stay away from here,' said Tiffany, stepping though the stone doorway. 'Never come back. Never touch what is mine.' And then, because the thing was so weak and baby-like, she added: 'But I hope there's someone who'll cry for you. I hope the King comes back.'

'You pity me?' growled the thing that had been the Queen.

'Yes. A bit,' said Tiffany. Like Miss Robinson, she thought.

She put the creature down. It scampered across the snow, turned, and became the beautiful Queen again.

'You won't win,' the Queen said. 'There's always a way in. People dream.'

'Sometimes we waken,' said Tiffany. 'Don't come back... or there will be a reckoning...'

She concentrated, and now the stones framed nothing more—or less—than the country beyond.

I shall have to find a way of sealing that, said her Third Thoughts. Or her twentieth thoughts, perhaps. Her head was full of thoughts.

She managed to walk a little way and then sat down, hugging her knees. Imagine getting stuck like this, she thought. You'd have to wear earplugs and noseplugs and a big black hood over your head, and still you'd see and hear too much...

She closed her eyes, and closed her eyes again.

She felt it all draining away. It was like falling asleep, sliding from that strange wide-awakeness into just normal, everyday... well, being awake. It felt as if everything was blurred and muffled.

This is how we always feel, she thought. We sleepwalk through our lives, because how could we live if we were always that awake—

Someone tapped her on the boot.