Terry Pratchett - Johnny and the Bomb

Mrs Tachyon picked things out of the gutter. That was probably how she'd acquired Guilty, with his fur like carpet underlay, broken teeth, and boomerang shaped backbone. When Guilty walked, which wasn't often since he preferred to ride in the trolley, he tended to go around in circles. When he ran, usually because he was trying to fight something, the fact that he only had one and a half legs in front meant that sooner or later his back legs would overtake him, and by then he was always in such a rage that he'd bite his own tail.

Even DSS, the rabid dog owned by Syd the Crusty, which once ate a police Alsatian, would run away at the sight of Guilty spinning towards him, frantically biting himself.

The ambulance drove off, blue light flashing.

Guilty watched Johnny from the trolley, going cross-eyed with hatred.

"The ambulance man said she looked as if she'd been hit by something," said Wobbler, who was also watching the cat. It was never a good idea to take your eye off Guilty.

"What're we going to do with all this stuff?" said Johnny.

"Yeah, can't leave it," said Bigmac. "That'd be littering.

"But it's her stuff," said Johnny.

"Don't look at me," said Bigmac. "Some of those bags squelch."

"And there's the cat," said Johnny.

"Yeah, we ought to kill the cat," said Bigmac. "It took all the skin off my hand last week."

Johnny cautiously pulled the trolley upright. Guilty clung to it, hissing.

"He likes you," said Bigmac.

"How can you tell?"

"You've still got both eyes."

"You could take it along to the RSPCA in the morning," said Yoless.

"I suppose so," said Johnny, "but what about the trolley? We can't just leave it here."

"Yeah, let's push it off the top of the multistorey," said Bigmac.

Johnny prodded a bag. It moved a bit, and then flowed back, with an unpleasant oozing noise.

"Y'know, my brother said Mrs Tachyon killed her husband years ago and then went mental and they never found his body," said Bigmac.

They looked at the bags.

"None of them is big enough for a dead body," said Yoless, who wasn't allowed to watch horror movies.

"Not a whole one, no," said Bigmac.

Yoless took a step back.

"I heard she stuck his head in the oven," said Wobbler. "Very messy."

"Messy?" said Yoless.

"It was a microwave oven. Get it? If you put a-"

"Shut up," said Yoless.

"I heard she's really, really rich," said Bigmac.

"Stinking rich," said Wobbler.

"Look, I'll just ... I'll just put in it in my grandad's garage," said Johnny.

"I don't see why we have to do it," said Yoless. "There's supposed to be Care in the Community or something."

"He doesn't keep much in there now. And then in the morning ... "

Oh, well. The morning was another day.

"And while you've got it you could have a rummage to see if there's any money," said Bigmac.

Johnny glanced at Guilty, who snarled.

"No, I like a hand with all its fingers on," he said. "You lot come with me. I'd feel a right clod pushing this by myself."

The fourth wheel squeaked and bounced as he pushed the trolley down the street.

"Looks heavy," said Yoless.

There was a snigger from beside him.

"Well, they say Mr Tachyon was a very big man-"

"Just shut up, Bigmac."

It's me, he thought, as the procession went down the street. It's like on the Lottery, only it's the opposite. There's this big finger in the sky and it comes through your window and flicks you on the ear and says "It's YOU - har har har". And you get up and think you're going to have a normal day and suddenly you're in charge of a trolley with one squeaky wheel and an insane cat.

"Here," said Wobbler. "These fish and chips are still warm."

"What?" said Johnny. "You picked up her actual fish and chips?"

Wobbler backed away. "Well, yeah, why not, shame to let them go to waste-"

"They might have got her spit on 'em," said Bigmac. "Yuk."

"They haven't even been unwrapped, actually," said Wobbler, but he did stop unwrapping them.

"Put them in the trolley, Wobbler," said Johnny.

"Dunno who wraps fish and chips in newspaper round here," said Wobbler, tossing the package onto the pile in the trolley. "Hong Kong Henry doesn't. Where'd she get them?"

Sir John was normally awakened at half past eight every morning by a butler who brought him his breakfast, another butler who brought him his clothes, a third butler whose job it was to feed Adolf and Stalin if necessary, and a fourth butler who was basically a spare.

At nine o'clock his secretary came and read him his appointments for today.

When he did so this morning, though, he found him still staring at his plate with a strange expression. Adolf and Stalin swam contentedly in the tank by his desk.

"Five different kinds of pill, some biscuits made of cardboard and a glass of orange juice with all the excitement removed," said Sir John. "Mat's the point of being the richest man in the world -I am still the richest man in the world, aren't I?"

"Yes, Sir John."

"Well, what's the point if it all boils down to pills for breakfast?" He drummed his fingers on the table. "Well ... I've had enough, d'y'hear? Tell Hickson to get the car out."

"Which car, Sir John."

"The Bentley."

"Mich Bentley, Sir John."

"Oh, one I haven't used lately. He can choose. And find Blackbury on the map. We own a burger bar there, don't we?"

"Er ... I think so, Sir John." Wasn't that the one where you personally chose the site? You said you just knew it would be a good one. Er ... but today you've got appointments to see the chairman of-"

"Cancel 'em all. I'm going to Blackbury. Don't tell 'em I'm coming. Call it ... a lightning inspection. The secret of success in business is to pay attention to the little details, am I right? People get underdone burgers or the fries turn out to be too soggy and before you know where you are the entire business is down around your ears."

Er ... if you say so, Sir John."

"Right. I'll be ready in twenty minutes."

"Er ... you could, perhaps, leave it until tomorrow? Only the committee did ask that-"

"No!" The old mars slapped the table. "It's got to be today! Today's when it all happens, you see. Mrs Tachyon. The trolley. Johnny and the rest of them. It's got to be today. Otherwise ... " He pushed away the dull yet healthy breakfast. "Otherwise it's this for the rest of my life."

The secretary was used to Sir John's moods, and tried to lighten things a little.

"Blackbury ... " he said. "That's where you were evacuated during the war, wasn't it? And you were the only person to escape when one of the streets got bombed?"

"Me and two goldfish called Adolf and Stalin. That's right. That's where it all started," said Sir John, getting up and going over to the window. "Go on, jump to it."

The secretary didn't go straightaway. One of his jobs was to keep an eye on Sir John. The old boy was acting a bit odd, people had said. He'd taken to reading very old newspapers and books with words like "Time" and "Physics" in the title, and sometimes he even wrote angry letters to very important scientists. When you're the richest man in the world, people watch you very closely.

"Adolf and Stalin," said Sir John. To the whole world in general. "Of course, these two are only their descendants. It turned out that Adolf was female. Or was it Stalin?"

Outside the window, the gardens stretched all the way to some rolling hills that Sir John's landscape gardener had imported specially.

"Blackbury," said Sir John staring at them. "That's where it all started. The whole thing. There was a boy called Johnny Maxwell. And Mrs Tachyon. And a cat, I think."

He turned.

"Are you still here?"

"Sorry, Sir John, said the secretary, backing out and shutting the door behind him.