Terry Pratchett - Johnny and the Bomb

"I am a billionaire, aren't I, Hickson?"

"Yes, Sir John. Many times."

"Thought so. And I think I own some island somewhere. What was it called now ... Tasmania, I think."

Wobbler patted his pockets again, and finally brought out a slim silver case. He flicked it open and took out two white pills, which he swallowed. He grimaced, and sipped from his glass of water.

"You haven't touched your One with Everything," said Johnny, watching him.

"Oh, I asked for it just to make the point," said Wobbler. "I'm not allowed to eat them. Good heavens. I have a diet. No sodium, no cholesterol, low starch, no sugar." He sighed. "Even a glass of water is probably too exciting."

The manager of the burger bar had at last plucked up the courage to approach the table.

"Sir John!" he said, "This is a such an honour-"

"Yes, yes, thank you, please go away, I'm talking to my friends-" Wobbler stopped, and smiled evilly. "Fries all right, Bigmac? Properly crisp?" he said. "What about that milkshake, Yoless? Right sort of texture, is it?"

The boys glanced up at the manager, who suddenly looked like a man praying to the god of everyone who has to work while wearing a name-badge saying "My name is KEITH".

"Er ... they're fine," said Bigmac.

"Great," said Yoless.

KEITH gave them a relieved grin.

"They're always good," said Yoless.

"I expect", said Bigmac, "that they'll go on being good."

KEITH nodded hurriedly.

"We're genially in most Saturdays," added Bigmac, helpfully. "If you want us to make sure."

"Thank you, Keith, you may go," said Wobbler. He winked at Bigmac as the man almost ran away.

"I know I shouldn't do it," he said, "but it's about the only fun I get these days."

"Why did you come here?" said Johnny quietly.

"You know, I couldn't resist doing a little checking," said Wobbler, ignoring him. "I thought it might be ... interesting ... to watch myself growing up. Not interfering, of course." He stopped smiling. "And then I found I wasn't born. I'd never been born. Nor was my father. My mother lived in London and was married to someone else. That's one thing about money. You can buy any amount of private detectives."

"That's nonsense," said Kirsty. "You're alive."

"Oh, yes," said Wobbler. "I was born. In another time. In the leg of the trousers of time that we were all born in. And then I went back in time with you all, and ... something went wrong. I'm not sure what. So ... I had to come back the long way. You could say I had to walk home."

"I'm sure that's not logical," said Kirsty.

Wobbler shrugged. "I don't think time is all that logical," he said. "It bends itself around humans. It's probably full of loose ends. Whoever said it shouldn't be? Sometimes loose ends are necessary. If they weren't, spaghetti would be merely an embarrassing experience." He chuckled. "Spoke to a lot of scientists about this. Damn fools. Idiots! Time's in our heads. Any fool can see that-"

"You're ill, aren't you," said Johnny.

"Is it obvious?"

"You keep taking pills, and your breathing doesn't sound right."

Wobbler smiled again. But this time there was no humour in it.

"I'm suffering from life," he said. "However, I'm nearly cured."

"Look," said Kirsty, in the voice of one who is trying to be reasonable against the odds, "we weren't going to leave you there. We were going to go back. We will go back."

"Good," said Wobbler.

"You don't mind? Because surely, if we do, you won't exist, will you?"

"Oh, I will. Somewhere," said Wobbler.

"That's right," said Johnny. "Everything that happens ... stays happened. Somewhere. There's lots of times side by side."

"You always were a bit of an odd thinker," said Wobbler. "I remember that. An imagination so big it's outside your head. Now ... what was the other thing? Oh, yes. I think I have to give you this."

The chauffeur stepped forward.

"Er ... Sir John, you know the Board did want-"

There was a blur in the air. Wobbler's silver-headed cane hit the table so hard that Bigmac's fries flew into the air. The crack echoed around the restaurant.

"God damn it, man, I'm paying you, and you will do what I say! The Board can wait! I'm not dead yet! I didn't get where I am today by listening to a lot of lawyers whining! I'm having some time off! Go away!"

Wobbler reached into his jacket and took out an envelope. He handed it to Johnny.

"I'm not telling you to go back," he said. "I've got no right. I've had a pretty good life, one way and the other-"

"But," said Johnny. Through the glass doors of the mall he could see a car and four motorcycles pull up.

"I'm sorry?" said Wobbler.

"The next word you were going to say was "but"," said Johnny. Men were hurrying up the steps.

"Oh, yes. But ... " Wobbler leaned forward, and began speaking quickly. "If you go back, I've written a letter to ... well, you'll know what to do with it. I know I really shouldn't do it, but who could pass up an opportunity like this?"

He stood up, or at least attempted to. Hickson rushed up as Wobbler caught the edge of his chair, but was waved away.

"I never had any children," said Wobbler. "Never got married. Don't know why, really. It just didn't seem right."

He leaned heavily on his stick and turned back to them.

"I want to be young again," he said. "Somewhere."

"We were going to go back," said Johnny. "Honestly.,

"Good. But, you see ... it's not just a case of going back. It's going back and doing the right things."

And then he was gone, walking heavily towards the men with the suits, who closed in behind him.

Bigmac was staring so much that a long rivulet of mustard, tomato sauce, special chilli relish and vivid green chutney had dripped out of his burger and down his sleeve without him noticing.

"Wow," said Yoless, under his breath. "Will we be like that one day?"

"What? Old? Probably," said Johnny.

"I just can't get my head around old Wobbler being old," said Bigmac, sucking at his sleeve.

"We've got to go and get him," said Johnny. "We can't let him get ... "

"Rich?" said Yoless. "I don't think we can do anything about the "old" bit."

"If we bring him back, then he - the old one - won't exist here," said Kirsty.

"No, he'll exist in this here, but not in the other here. I don't think he'll be existing anywhere for very long anyway," said Johnny. "Come on."

"What's in the envelope?" said Kirsty, as they left.

Johnny was surprised. Usually she'd say something like "Let's see what's in this, then," while snatching it out of his hand.

"It's for Wobbler," said Johnny.

"He's written a letter to himself? What's he say?"

"How do I know? I don't open other people's letters!"

Johnny shoved the envelope back into his inside pocket.

"The keep-fit club should have finished by now," he said. "Come on."

"Wait," said Kirsty. "If we're going back to 1941, Let's go prepared this time, shall we?"

"Yeah," said Bigmac. "Armed."

"No. Properly dressed, I mean."

"Every Little Girl

It was an hour later. They met behind the church, in the damp little yard where they'd left the trolley.

"All right," said Kirsty. "Where did you get that outfit, Johnny?"

"Grandad's got loads of stuff in the attic. These are his old football shorts. And he always wears old pullovers, so I thought that was probably okay, too. And I've got my project stuff in this box in case it helps. It's genuine 1940s. It's what they carried gasmasks in."

"Oh, is that what they are?" said Bigmac. "I thought people had rather big Walkmans."

"At least take the cap off, you look like Just William," said Kirsty. "What's this, Yoless?"

"Me and Bigmac went along to that theatre shop in Wallace Street," said Yoless. "What do you think?" he added uncertainly.