Robert Asprin: Phule's Errand

“Consider it done, sir!” said Jester, grinning idiotically.

Blitzkrieg smiled. Then he added, in a harder voice, “And as for the discipline-you’ve got to keep at it, Captain! A hard job, but time well spent, say I! Don’t let it slide an inch, do you hear me?”

“Yes, sir,” said Jester, grinning just as enthusiastically as before. “It’ll be my top priority.”

“Good, we’ll expect to see your reports, then,” said the general. He grinned again, and ducked his head to get into the shuttle; Major Sparrowhawk was already strapped in, waiting.

“That ought to hold them,” said the general, sliding in next to his adjutant.

“Yes, sir,” said Sparrowhawk. “One question, if you don’t mind?” The general nodded, and she continued, “It seems to me you let them off pretty easily. What am I missing, sir?”

“The good old double bind,” said Blitzkrieg. “The poor idiot will work his tail off trying to get that golf course in shape, and at the same time try to whip some discipline into those oafs. He may get the golf course playable, but the discipline’s a lost cause. It’ll drive him crazy. Heh-heh. Just what I want.”

“Very good, sir, very good,” said Sparrowhawk. Then the shuttle’s engines began warming up, putting an end to any semblance of casual talk.

Meanwhile, outside, just as soon as the shuttle door closed, Lieutenant Rembrandt reached to a special point at the back of the robot’s neck, activating a switch, and spoke a code word, quietly. Without changing its posture or expression, the robot went instantly into standby mode. It would take no more independent action until it was reactivated-after a long and painstaking overhaul.

And for the first time since the shuttle’s arrival, everyone on Zenobia took a deep breath and relaxed.

“So that’s who’s behind it!” said Phule. “I’d never have thought she had any power beyond Lorelei…”

It was barely an hour after the rescue, and Phule’s head was still spinning with all that he had learned. At least, he’d gotten Nightingale to promise that she’d tell Beeker to give him the Port-a-Brain. Then he could relax-and let the two lovebirds make their way back to Zenobia at their own rate.

“Maxine’s plan was very nasty,” said Pitti da Phule, filling his nephew in on the kidnap plot. “She spread a rumor that the Space Legion-the boys in black, she called them-were spying on tax evaders and smugglers. If she’d had a little longer to work on it, half the population of the planet would have been ready to stuff you into the nearest garbage disintegrator. You’re lucky I found out about it before it got that far.”

“I’m glad you found out about it,” said Phule, raising a glass in Pitti’s direction. “But how did you find me in that place they had me hidden? That’s a pretty impressive piece of detective work.”

Pitti smiled. “Not so hard to do, with what you told me about your computer. Your father told me about that security program it has. It doesn’t just send out a signal when the stasis field is working. If you know what to look for, the signal’s there all the time, capisce? Your father told me…”

“Say no more,” said Phule, suddenly realizing that his father had put a permanent tracer on him. The old rascal had always worried whether Phule could handle himself in a tricky situation, but this was taking it a bit too far. Still, it had saved his bacon, this time. Best to accept it for what it was worth.

“And I really appreciate your, uh, unofficial help.” Phule nodded to Agent Fox, who’d joined them in the little cafe that Pitti had brought them to, just down the street from where Phule had been held prisoner. The owners had brought out an enormous antipasto and a bottle of wine. Phule, who hadn’t yet had breakfast, had ordered coffee instead-and was rewarded with the best espresso he’d tasted on Old Earth. The headwaiter was watching their table discreetly to make sure no need went unfulfilled.

Pitti waved an expressive hand. “The agente and I have worked together before,” he said. “Keeping lines of communication open, that’s good for business. Capisce? Where we both have an interest, there should be profit for both. And his news that Maxine Pruett-your old enemy- had come to Old Earth was what convinced me to trace your whereabouts instead of just assuming you’d gone to see the sights.”

“What’s going to happen to Maxine?” said Phule.

Fox shrugged. “Depends on whether we can scare the hoodlums who kidnapped you into naming her as the mastermind,” he said. “I wouldn’t bet the house on it. Her connections on Old Earth aren’t exactly nobodies. She’ll probably have to pay a fair amount to keep from being sent back to Hix’s World, where they’re really mad at her. But if she’s smart, she’s already gotten off-world and left the lawyers to clean up the mess.”

“She’s that smart, she wouldn’t stick her nose in my family’s business,” said Pitti, dryly. “I’ll make her and her lawyers both sorry.”

“Hold on a minute,” said Phule, sitting up straight. The coffee had finally kicked in. “What was Maxine doing on Hix’s World?”

“What, you didn’t figure that out yet?” Fox chuckled. “She’d gone to Hix’s World to set up a casino at that hotel of hers. She’d been lobbying for a change in the laws, throwing bribes around as if they were birdseed. It probably would have passed if she hadn’t jumped the gun and brought in a shipment of quantum slots while they were still illegal. When you caught her with them, she figured you were going to inform on her, and left the planet in a hurry. That’s why when she found out you were here on Earth, she persuaded some local goons to kidnap you, figuring she’d get her revenge that way.”

“Inform on her? I never even knew she was on Hix’s World,” said Phule, scratching his head. “It must have been Beeker and Nightingale who found out about her. I wonder if that’s why they went there to begin with…” But Nightingale had disappeared again almost immediately after setting Phule free, and wasn’t here to confirm or deny his guess. At least, she had promised to bring Beeker to his hotel-and Phule could hardly wait to see the butler.

“Maybe,” said Fox. “The lady did sound as if she enjoyed the Floribunda Fete. Can’t say that I’m all that much a flower fanatic, myself.”

“I can sum it up in one word,” said Phule. “Bo-ring. And you can quote me on that.”

“Oh, I agree-but don’t say that to her,” said Fox, with an amused smile. “A woman like that, you want to keep her on your side. Even if she and the butler fall out…”

“Yes, I’ve thought about that,” said Phule. “I really have to talk to them both before we get back to Zenobia, though. I owe them my freedom, obviously. That’s a big one. But I need to get Beeker to enter a certain code in his computer. I wonder why he never read the mail I sent him?”

“I tell you, there’s gonna be a good reason,” said Pitti da Phule. “That Beeker, he’s old-school-solid like a rock. He does something you don’t understand, it’s because you don’t understand it. Take my word for it.”

Phule shrugged. “Yeah, that’s what I figure. But I’m still curious to find out why he never responded.”

“You worry later about that,” said Pitti. “For now, we got good food, good vino -you listen to your uncle and enjoy while you got it!”

“And that’s the best advice you’re going to get today- or any other day,” said Fox, raising his glass.

“Well, sir, it’ll be good to get back to Rahnsome Base,” said Major Sparrowhawk, looking out the window of the shuttle at the disk of Zenobia gradually shrinking behind them. They’d left in a hurry, but it was none too soon for her.