Peter Watts - Starfish

Eyecaps, on the other hand…

Black. The world is black again, and clear. Clarke's headlamp stabs out across open space, lays a jiggling footprint on the mud a good ten meters away.

The view's still rippling, though.

The pain seems to be fading. She can't be sure. So many nerves have been screaming for so long that even the echoes are torture. She clutches her head, still kicking; the movement twists her around to face the way she came.

Her secret hideaway has exploded into a wall of mud and sulfur compounds, boiling up from the seabed. Clarke checks her thermister; 45 °C, and she's a good ten meters away. Boiled fish skeletons spin in the thermals. Geysers hiss further in, unseen.

The seep must have burst through the crust in an instant; any flesh caught in that eruption would have boiled off the bone before anything as elaborate as a flight reflex could cut in. A shudder shakes Clarke's body. Another one.

Just luck. Just stupid luck I was far enough away. I could be dead now. I could be dead I could be dead I could be dead—

Nerves fire in her thorax; she doubles over. But you can't sob without breathing. You can't cry with your eyes pinned open. The routines are all there, stuttering into action after years of dormancy, but the pieces they work on have all been changed. The whole body wakes up in a straitjacket.

— dead dead dead—

That small, remote part of her kicks in, the part she saves for these occasions. It wonders, off in the distance, at the intensity of her reaction. This was hardly the first time that Lenie Clarke thought she was going to die.

But this was the first time in years that it seemed to matter.

Taking off his diveskin is like gutting himself.

He can't believe how much he's come to depend on it, how hard it is to come out from inside. The eyecaps are even harder. Fischer sits on his pallet, staring at the sealed hatch while Shadow whispers it's okay, you're alone, you're safe. Half an hour goes by before he can bring himself to believe her.

Finally, when he bares his eyes, the cubby lights are so dim he can hardly see. He turns them up until the room is twilit. The eyecaps sit in the palm of his hand, pale and opaque in the semidarkness, like jellied circles of eggshell. It's strange to blink without feeling them under his eyelids. He feels so exposed .

He has to do it, though. It's part of the process. That's what this is all about; opening yourself up.

Lenie's in her cubby, just centimeters away. If it wasn't for this bulkhead Fischer could reach right out and touch her.

This is what you do when you really love someone , Shadow said way back then. So he does it now, to himself. For Shadow.

Thinking about Lenie.

Sometimes he thinks Lenie's the only other real person on the whole rift. The others are robots; glass robot eyes, matte black robot bodies, lurching through programmed routines that do nothing but keep other, bigger machines running. Even their names sound mechanical. Nakata. Caraco.

Not Lenie, though. There's someone inside her 'skin, her eyes may be glassed-in but they're not glass. She's real . Fischer knows he can touch her.

Of course, that's why he keeps getting into trouble. He keeps touching. But Lenie would be different, if only he could break through. She's more like Shadow than all the others ever were. Older, though.

No older than I'd be now, Shadow murmurs, and maybe that's it.

His mouth moves — I'm so sorry, Lenie — and no sound comes out. Shadow doesn't correct him.

This is what you do , she'd said, and then she'd begun to cry. As Fischer cries now. As he always does, when he comes.

The pain wakes him, sometime later. He's curled up on the pallet, and something's cutting into his cheek: a little piece of broken glass.

A mirror.

He stares at it, confused. A silver glass shard with a dark bloody tip, like a small tooth. There's no mirror in his cubby.

He reaches up and touches the bulkhead behind his pillow. Lenie's there, Lenie's just the other side. But here, on this side there's a dark line, a rim of shadow he never noticed before. His eyes follow it around the edge of the wall, a gap about half a centimeter wide. Here and there little bits of glass are still wedged into that space.

There used to be a mirror covering this whole bulkhead. Just like Scanlon's vids. And it wasn't just removed, judging from the little fragments left behind. Somebody smashed it out.

Lenie. She went through the whole station, before the rest of them came down, and she smashed all the mirrors. He doesn't know why he's so sure, but somehow it seems like exactly the sort of thing Lenie Clarke would do when no one was looking.

Maybe she doesn't like to see herself. Maybe she's ashamed.

Go talk to her, Shadow says.

I can't.

Yes you can. I'll help you.

He picks up the tunic of his 'skin. It slithers around his body, its edges fusing together along the midline of his chest. He steps over the sleeves and leggings still spilled across the deck, reaches down for his eyecaps.

Leave them there.

No!

Yes.

I can't, she'll see me…

That's what you want, isn't it? Isn't it?

She doesn't even like me, she'll just—

Leave them. I said I'll help you.

He leans against the closed hatch, eyes shut, his breathing loud and rapid in his ears.

Go on. Go on .

The corridor outside is in deep twilight. Fischer moves along it to Lenie's sealed hatch. He touches it, afraid to knock.

From behind, someone taps his shoulder.

"She's out," Brander says. His 'skin is done right up to his neck, arms and legs completely sealed. His capped eyes are blank and hard. And there's the usual edge in his voice, that same familiar tone saying Just give me an excuse, asshole, just do anything…

Maybe he wants Lenie too.

Don't get him mad, Shadow says.

Fischer swallows. "I just wanted to talk to her."

"She's out ."

"Okay. I'll…I'll try later."

Brander reaches out, pokes Fischer's face. His finger comes away sticky.

"You're cut," he says.

"It's nothing. I'm okay."

"Too bad."

Fischer tries to edge past Brander to his own cubby. The corridor pushes them together.

Brander clenches his fists. "Don't you fucking touch me."

"I'm not, I'm just trying to— I mean…" Fischer falls silent, glances around. No one else anywhere.

Deliberately, Brander relaxes.

"And for Christ's sake put your eyes back in," he says. "Nobody wants to look in there."

He turns and walks away.

They say Lubin sleeps out here. Lenie too, sometimes, but Lubin hasn't slept in his bunk since the rest of them came down. He keeps his headlight off, and he stays away from the lit part of the Throat, and nothing bothers him. Fischer heard Nakata and Caraco talking about it on the last shift.

It's starting to sound like a good idea. The less time he spends in Beebe these days, the better.

The station is a dim faraway blotch, glowing to Fischer's left. Brander's in there. He goes on duty in three hours. Fischer figures he can just stay out here until then. He doesn't really need to go inside much. None of them do. There's a little desalinator piggybacked on his electrolyser in case he gets thirsty, and a bunch of flaps and valves that do things he doesn't want to think about, when he has to piss or take a dump.

He's getting a bit hungry, but he can wait. He's fine out here as long as nothing attacks him.

Brander just won't let him alone. Fischer doesn't know what Brander's got against him—