Frank Schatzing - The Swarm

'I did.'

'Do you really think so? Oh, God, you do. But it's not why you're here.' His lips curled in a sneer. 'Go on, then. What is it you're dying to tell me?'

'It's like this, Jack. You can call yourself Greywolf till you're blue in the face, but it won't change who you are. There were rules for the giving of names, and in your case not one of them applies. You've got a beautiful mask hanging on the wall, but it's a fake, like your name. And your protest group, that's fake too.' Suddenly it was all pouring out, everything he hadn't meant to say. Not today. He hadn't come here to insult Greywolf, but now he couldn't stop himself. 'Those people you hang out with are layabouts, wasters. They're only in it for the ride. Don't you get it? You're not achieving anything. Your notion of whale conservation is childish. Choosing your own people – that's crap. Your chosen people will never understand your loony ideas.'

'If you say so.'

'Get real, Jack. You know they want to hunt whales, and you want to stop them. That's very honourable, but you haven't been listening. You're turning against the people whom apparently you-'

'There are plenty of people among the Makah who think the same as me.'

'Sure, but-'

'Tribal elders, Leon. Not all Indians think ethnic groups should express their culture through ritualistic killings. In their view, the Makah are as much a part of twenty-first-century society as the rest of Washington State.'

'I've heard that argument before,' said Anawak, scornfully.' And it didn't come from you or any of your tribal elders. I read it in a press release from the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. You can't even come up with your own arguments, Jack. It's unbelievable. Even your reasoning is fake.'

'No, it isn't. I-'

'And, anyway,' Anawak interrupted, 'singling out Davie's is pathetic.'

'Aha. So that's why you're here.'

'Come off it, Jack, you used to be one of us. Didn't you learn anything? It was only because of whale-watching that people realised live whales and dolphins are more precious than dead ones. Whale-watching focuses the world on a problem that wouldn't get that kind of attention by any other means. It's a form of conservation. Ten million people a year go whale-watching to experience the wonder of whales. That's ten million people who'd otherwise only see whales on TV or maybe not at all. Our research means we can protect whales in their natural habitat. If it weren't for whale-watching, it wouldn't be possible.'

'Yeah, right.'

'So why pick on us? Because we kicked you out?'

'You didn't kick me out. I left.'

'We kicked you out.' Anawak was yelling now. 'You were fired. You messed up and Davie got rid of you. Your pathetic ego couldn't handle that, just like O'Bannon couldn't cope without his hair and his outfit and his crappy name. Your whole ideology is a mistake, Jack. It's all a sham. You know what? You're a fake. You're nothing. All you do is screw things up. You're no use to the conservationists and no use to the Nootka. You don't belong anywhere. You're not Irish, you're not Indian, and that's your problem and it makes me sick, having to grapple with your problems when there's other stuff that-'

'Leon,' said Greywolf, thin-lipped.

'It makes me sick, seeing you like that.'

Greywolf stood up. 'Shut up, Leon. That's enough.'

'No, it's not. For Christ's sake, Jack, there's so much you could do. You're tall and strong, and you're not stupid, so what the-'

'Shut up, Leon.' Greywolf walked slowly around the table, fists raised. Anawak wondered whether the first punch would knock him out. Greywolf had once broken a guy's jaw. Anawak could sense he was going to pay for his big mouth with some teeth.

But Greywolf didn't lash out. Instead he rested both hands on the arms of Anawak's chair and bent towards him.

'Do you want to know why I chose this life?

Anawak stared at him. 'Go right ahead.'

'But you're not interested, are you, you self-righteous prick?'

'Oh, I am. It's just there's nothing to tell.'

'You…' Greywolf gnashed his teeth. 'OK, you asshole, of course I'm Irish too, but I've never been to Ireland. My mother's half-Suquamish. The whites never accepted her, and neither did the Indians, so she married an immigrant and no one accepted him either.'

'That's very touching, Jack, but you mentioned it before. Tell me something new.'

I'm gonna give you the truth and you'll darned well listen. You're right. Running around like an Indian won't make me into one. But guess what? I could drink litres of Guinness and I'd never be Irish either. I'll never be a regular American, even though there's American blood in me too. I'm not authentic, Leon, because I don't belong anywhere. I can't do a damn thing to change it .

His eyes flashed. 'All you had to do was move and that changed everything. You turned your life around. I never had the chance.'

'Don't give me that.'

'Oh, sure, I could have behaved myself and got a proper job. This is a free society, after all. No one asks where you come from – so long as you're successful. Some people are lucky – they're a patchwork of ethnicities, the best bits of everything collected into one. They're at home wherever they want to be. My parents were simple people, ill at ease. They didn't know how to teach their son to be confident or fit in. They felt uprooted and misunderstood, and I got the worst of all worlds. It's one big foul-up. And the one thing that ever went right for me fouled up too.'

'Oh, yeah. The navy. Your dolphins.'

Greywolf nodded grimly. 'The navy was fine. I was the best handler they ever had, so they forgot about their stupid questions. Back home it all kicked off again. My parents drove each other wild – she with her Indian customs, and he with his talk of County Mayo. Like they were trying to prove their identity or something. It wasn't as though they even wanted to be proud of where they'd come from. They just wanted to come from somewhere - to be able to say, "This is where I belong."

'That was their problem, Jack. No need to make it your own.'

'Oh, really?'

'Come off it. There you are, built like a tank, trying to tell me that you've been left so traumatised by your parents' problems that your life is a mess?' Anawak snorted. 'What difference does it make if you're Indian, half-Indian or God knows what? No one's responsible for where you feel at home on the inside. That's all down to you.'

Greywolf seemed taken aback. Then satisfaction crept into his eyes and Anawak knew he had lost.

'Who are we talking about here?' asked Greywolf, with a malicious smile.

Anawak didn't say anything.

Greywolf stood up slowly. The smile disappeared. Suddenly he looked wiped-out. He walked over to the mask and lingered in front of it. 'Maybe I am an idiot,' he said softly.

'It's not a big deal.' Anawak wiped his hand over his eyes. 'We both are.'

'Well, you're the biggest idiot of them all. This mask is from the huupaKwan'um of Chief Jones. I bet you don't know what that is. A huupaKwan'um is a box, a place where they keep masks, headpieces, ceremonial items. But that's not all. It's also where they keep their hereditary rights, the rights of the ha'wiih and the chaachaabat , the chiefs. The huupaKwan'um is the record of their territory, their historical identity, their heritage. It tells you where they come from and who they are.' He turned. 'Someone like me could never have a huupaKwan'um; but you could. You could be proud of it. But you don't want anything to do with who you are or where you're from. You tell me to be responsible for the people I've chosen to belong to. Well, you've abandoned yours. You accuse me of not being authentic. I can never be a genuine Indian, but at least I'm fighting to find something that's real. You are real, but you don't want to be who you are, and you're not what you'd like to be. To you I look like something out of a Western, but at least I'm prepared to show my commitment to the way of life I've chosen. You run a mile when anyone asks if you're from the Makah.'