John Scalzi - The Android's Dream

"Who knows this exists?"

"Aside from whoever helped Moeller put it in? You, me, and the medical examiner. The ME is content to keep quiet for now, although he wants State to bring a cousin over from Pakistan.

Alan suspects something, of course. That's why he called me right after it happened."

"A former intern turns out to be useful for a change," Heffer said. He picked up the tube, turned it around in his hands. "Have we figured out where this thing has come from yet?"

"No, sir," Javna said. "We haven't started a search because, officially, it doesn't exist. So far as anyone knows officially, Moeller and the Nidu trade representative rather coincidentally collapsed simultaneously for unrelated health reasons. Which is true, as far as it goes."

It was Heffer's turn to grin. "And just how long do we expect that story to hold up, Ben?"

"It's already collapsing, of course," Javna said. "But at this point the only thing anyone has to go on are rumors and speculations. We start searching for plans for that,"—Javna pointed to the tube—"and you know it's going to get noticed."

"I think we could keep the search out of the papers," Heffer said.

"It's not the papers we need to worry about," Javna said. "You know Pope and his creeps at Defense are going to be all over this, and they'll even find some way to try to make it seem like it's the Nidu's fault."

"On one level, that'd be nice," Heffer said.

"Sure, right until the part where we start shooting at the Nidu and then they kick our ass," Javna said.

"There is that," Heffer admitted.

"There is indeed that," Javna said.

Heffer's intercom switched on. "Mr. Secretary, Secretary Soram is here," said Heffer's scheduler, Jane.

"Send him in, Jane," Heffer said, stood up, then turned to Javna. "Well, here comes the idiot," he said. Javna grinned.

Secretary of Trade Ted Soram came through the door, brisk and grinning and extending his hand. "Hello, Jim," he said. "Missed you this weekend at the house."

Heffer reached across the desk and shook Sorarris hand. "Hello, Ted," Heffer said. "I was in Switzerland this weekend. Middle East peace negotiations. You may have read something about them."

"Ouch," Soram said, good-naturedly, and off to the side, Heffer could see Javna roll his eyes. "Okay, I admit, a good excuse for your absence. This time. How did the negotiations go?"

"As they usually do," Heffer said, motioning to Soram to sit. "Right down to obligatory suicide bomber in Haifa halfway through the session."

"They never learn," Soram said, nestling into an armchair. "I guess not," Heffer said, sitting himself. "But right now I'm less concerned about the peace negotiations in the Middle East than the Nidu trade negotiations here at home."

"What about them?" Soram said.

Heffer glanced over at Javna, who subtly shrugged. "Ted," Heffer said, "have you been in contact with your staff today?"

"I've been at Lansdowne since dawn," Soram said. "With the Kanh ambassador. It loves to golf there, and I have a membership. I've been trying to get them to agree to import more almonds. We've got a glut. So I thought I'd lobby it on the links. My staff knows better than to disturb me when I'm working on something like that. I almost chewed out your gal until I realized she was calling from your department, not mine."

Heffer sat there for about a beat and wondered again at the political calculus that required President Webster to appoint Soram as trade secretary. The Kanh were violently allergic to nuts. The first state dinner ever held for the Kanh ended in disaster because kitchen inadvertently used peanut oil in one of the entrees; two-thirds of the Kanh guests ruptured their digestive sacs. The feet that Soram would lobby the Kanh to import almonds was a testament to his cluelessness, and the willingness of the Kanh ambassador (who was emphatically not clueless) to capitalize on his stupidity for a couple rounds of choice golf.

Well, we needed Philadelphia and he delivered, Heffer thought. Too late to worry about it now. "Ted," Heffer said. "There's been a development. A rather serious one. One of your trade representatives died today during negotiations. So did one of the Nidu representatives. And we think our guy killed the Nidu representative before he died."

Soram smiled, uncertainly. "I'm not following you, Jim."

Heffer slid the tube across the desk to Soram. "He used this," Heffer said. "We're pretty sure it's a device used to send chemical signals the Nidu could smell and interpret through a code of theirs. We think your guy hid this until he got into the room, and then used it to enrage the Nidu negotiator into a stroke. He had a heart attack right after. He died laughing, Ted. It didn't look very good."

Soram took the tube. "Where was he hiding it?" he asked.

"In his ass," Ben Javna said.

Soram jerked and dropped the thing on the floor, then smiled sheepishly and placed it back on the desk. "Sorry," he said. "How do you know all this, Jim? This is a trade problem."

Heffer took the tube and put it into his desk. "Ted, when one of your guys kills off a Nidu diplomat, trade or otherwise, it pretty much becomes my problem, now, doesn't it? We here at State have a vested interest in making sure that trade negotiations with the Nidu run smoothly. And I know you're not exactly the most 'hands off of Trade secretaries. So we over here have been keeping tabs on how things have been going."

"I see," Soram said.

"Having said that," Heffer said, "I have to admit this one took us by surprise. Trade is fairly packed with anti-Nidu negotiators and has been for years, even after this administration took over. But this is new. We expected some of your minor functionaries to put in a few roadblocks. We were ready for that. We weren't ready for one of your people to attempt murder to gum up the works."

"We got rid of the biggest troublemakers," Soram said. "We went right down the list and pried them out."

"You missed one, Ted," Heffer said.

"Who was this guy?" Soram asked.

"Dirk Moeller," Javna said. "Came in during the Griffin administration. He was at the American Institute for Colonization before that."

"I've never heard of him," Soram said.

"Really," Javna said, dryly.

Even Soram couldn't miss that. "Look, don't try to pin this on me," he said. "We got most of them. But a few are going to get through the net."

"A spell at the AIC should have been a red flag," Heffer said. "That place is full of anti-Nidu nutbags."

The intercom flicked back on. "Sir, Secretary Pope is here," Jane said.

"Speaking of anti-Nidu nutbags," Javna said, under his breath.

"He says it's urgent," Jane continued.

"Send him in, Jane," Heffer said, then turned to Javna. "Behave, Ben."

"Yes, sir," Javna said.

Every administration crosses the aisle to appoint one secretary from the other side. Robert Pope, war hero and popular former senator from Idaho, was the sop thrown to swing voters who needed convincing the Webster administration was strong on defense, and would stand up to Common Confederation pressure when necessary, particularly when it was applied by the Nidu. Pope played the part a little too enthusiastically for Heifer's taste.

"Bob," Heffer said, as Pope entered the room, trailing his aide, Dave Phipps. "Dropping by on your way back to the Pentagon?"

"You might say that," Pope said, and then glanced over at Soram. "I see you've got the brain trust here already."

"Missed you this weekend, Bob," Soram said.

"Ted, you know I wouldn't be caught dead at one of your parties," Pope said, "so let's not pretend I would be. I understand you hit a little roadblock in today's negotiations."

"Jim was just catching me up on that," Soram said.

"Well," Pope said. "Nice to see someone's minding the shop over there at Trade. Even if it is the State Department. Strange that two chief negotiators should die within seconds of each other, don't you think."