Gene Wolfe - Return to the Whorl

Tomorrow we must find someplace where we can buy more food. If I thought that Jahlee was as hungry as I am now, I would be afraid to sleep.

Hide woke me up to tell me about his dream. He thought it might be important, and perhaps it is. Now he is sleeping again, but I shall sit up until dawn. It would be dawn already if only the sky were clear.

"It was so strange, Father. I didn't know I was dreaming at all until it was over, and it was such a long dream."

I nodded. "People say that when you know you're dreaming you're practically awake."

"Then I wasn't, but I was wide awake the minute it was over, and that was just a minute ago. Maybe I shouldn't have tapped your shoulder like I did."

"It's rather too late to think of it now." I yawned and stretched, believing-then-that I would be able to go back to sleep quite quickly.

"Can I get you something? A drink or something? There's a lot of wine left."

I shook my head, and suggested that he tell his dream, since he had awakened me for that purpose.

"I was in this big, big house. Like a palace. I've never seen a real one, but like the Calde's Palace you and Mother talk about. Only it wasn't grand like that, it was more like a great big kitchen with lots of rooms. I know this sounds petty silly."

"Dream-like at least."

"And halls and pantries and things, and tables and chairs and a lot of big cabinets of some kind of light-colored wood, smooth and waxed but not, you know, carved or painted very much. Some of the chairs were upside down. I don't smell things in dreams much, but I could smell food all the time, like meat with lots of pepper in it boiling in a pot, and bread baking."

"That was because you were hungry," I said. "People who go to sleep hungry are apt to dream about food."

"I never saw any, but the smell was in the air all the time. I walked around… I don't know how to explain this."

"You need not try, in that case."

"I was younger. I couldn't be sure how old I used to be, but I knew I was younger in my dream."

"I'd like very much to have a dream like that."

"I was afraid I'd meet Hoof. I felt like he'd be mad at me for being younger, and he'd be bigger and stronger than I was. I walked a long way, and sometimes I'd see tall men with too many legs going into rooms, but I couldn't get the doors open, and mostly I didn't try. Sometimes they'd be waiting up against the wall where I couldn't see them good because there was a cupboard or something there, and I'd be afraid to look. You're making the little circles again, Father. What is it?"

"Nothing, perhaps. Did you ever get a good look at them?"

He shook his head.

"Did they have long noses?"

"I think so."

"Large ears?"

"I don't know. I didn't ever see their faces very well, but it wasn't anybody I knew. Or I don't think so."

"I understand. Did you look at your hands, Hide?"

"At my own hands? I don't think so."

"We seldom do. Or at least I don't look at mine often. Jahlee must watch hers a great deal more. When we killed the bandits I beat a man to death with my staff."

He nodded. "I remember."

"I didn't think you'd noticed. You were shooting."

"You had to do it, Father."

"No. No, I didn't, and I didn't intend to. It was only that I struck him, several times, I think, and he fell but he kept his grip on his knife. Then he started to rise, and I was afraid-desperately afraid, Horn-"

"I'm Hide, Father."

Although I blush to record it now, I only blinked and stared at him, wondering how I could possibly have made such a foolish error. Oreb saved me, landing on the ground at a point that put the fire between Jahlee and himself. "Big wet," he croaked self-importantly. "Bird find."

"Is it much farther?" Hide asked him.

"Bird find!" he repeated.

I told Hide, "He means that it is far for us but not for him. Is there a town, Oreb, where the land meets the sea?"

"Big town!"

"I see. Are there any before that? One we might reach tomorrow, for example?"

"No town."

I nodded. "Thank you very much indeed, Oreb. You've been very helpful."

He took wing.

"He's still afraid of Jahlee," I told Hide. "I don't believe he has reason to be, but he is."

"So am I, a little. I mean, not on Green or that other place, but here."

I nodded again. "Was she in your dream?"

He shook his head.

"Was anyone, besides the tall men?"

"A little girl named Mora and another one. Do you remember Mora from back when we were staying at that farm Jahlee pretended was hers? You said you knew her before, and she talked like she knew you."

"Of course."

"This little girl looked a lot like her, dark and pretty, you know? And she had a thing here on her cheek." Hide touched the middle of his own.

"I understand."

"They'd been playing with dolls. You know how girls do."

"Yes, certainly."

"They had a lot of dolls and toy dishes and a little table and chairs. The dark one wanted me to play with them, and I said all right, only not that. Then the other one said how about hide-and-seek? So I said all right. Then they said their dolls could play too, whoever was it could look for the dolls, too."

"I see."

"I hid my eyes, you know how you do, and counted to a hundred. You wanted to know if I'd looked at my hands."

"Yes. Did you?"

"Uh-huh. I just thought of it, but I did then. I remember taking my hands down after I counted. They looked younger, too, just like the rest of me."

"Were you wearing a ring? Any jewelry at all?"

He shook his head.

"Do you remember the ring I found in the lander?"

"Sure. Only you gave it to Sinew, not me. I don't think I could have taken it back with me."

"Neither do I. I simply wanted to know whether you remembered what it looked like."

"A white gold ring with a white stone."

I nodded, looked at my own hands, and picked up my staff, which had lain beside me while I slept. "I spoke of killing a man with this. I hadn't intended to kill him, but I was afraid he was going to kill us. I thought he might kill you or Jahlee, and kept hitting him as hard as I could; when the fighting had ended, I looked at him, and he was dead."

"It wasn't your fault, Father."

"Of course it was, and his as well. It was-it is-my fault that I killed him. It is his fault that I bear the guilt of killing him, because he gave me good reason to fear him. But if it could be proved that his death was neither his fault nor mine, it would not restore him to life."

"No."

"After the fighting was over, I noticed I had blood on my hands and realized that it was his. I washed them, and for a moment thought that I had lost the ring Seawrack gave me."

From a branch some distance from our fire, Oreb called, "Bird say. Say girl."

I looked up at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Say girl. Silk go. Go wet!" He flew, quickly vanishing in the dark sky; and Hide ventured, "Maybe he wants to tell Mother we're coming home."

"Perhaps he does. May I ask how your dream ended?"

"Well, I hid my eyes like I said, and after that I looked for a long, long time. Sometimes I saw those tall men. They would be standing still next to something else tall, like one of the cupboards or a big clock or something. But I knew they weren't playing and I wasn't supposed to see them at all, so I pretended I didn't, and went on looking."

"Did you find anyone?"

"Yeah. It took a long time, but I finally did. I opened this one big cabinet, and there was one of the dolls." He fell silent, his face troubled.

"I would think you would have been happy."

"I was. It was just a doll, though. Like a baby, only somebody had carved a face sort of like that one on your stick. Only this was a baby's face, and painted pink. Younger than Bala's baby. You couldn't even tell if it was a boy or a girl."