David Gerrold - When HARLIE Was One

“That’s what we thought. We’ve been checking the computer outlets for two weeks now, and we can’t find a thing. Yet, every time we set up a printout we get the same damn figures. We’ve tried correcting the original tape, feeding it in again, and I don’t know what-all. It’s not so much the report any more as finding out why it keeps coming out wrong — er, right. Well, you know what I mean — with the figures we don’t want the stockholders to see. Like one of the things is HARLIE. He’s listed right at the top of the research budget in the real version — quite prominently — and there’s even a paragraph explaining his goals and objectives. Nobody knows where that came from — I thought Elzer would have a fit when he saw it. If we had the new systems analysis network completed, it could tell us where the trouble is originating. But it’s nowhere near operational yet, at least not for the master beast. We could always send the report elsewhere to be printed, but that would be personally embarrassing to Dome — the master beast is his brainchild.”

“Mm,” said Auberson, and nothing more.

“Anyway,” she said. “That’s what I’ve been doing for three weeks — running like hell and getting nowhere.”

“Oh, they’ll probably find the trouble soon enough,” said Auberson. “It’ll turn out to be a crossed wire or something stupid like that.” He sucked in his cheeks and examined a fingernail.

“I hope so,” she said. “We’re going to try another run this afternoon, just as soon as they finish checking the memory tanks again. If that doesn’t work, Dome is prepared to reschematic the whole system.”

“Is it that serious?”

“It is to Dome.”

“What time are they going to do the run?”

“I hope by the time we get back.” She looked at her watch. Auberson looked at his.

“Wow — look at the time!” he said. “I’d forgotten it was getting so late. I have to get back right now — I’ll have phone calls stacked up from one end of the country to the other.”

She looked at her watch again, as if she hadn’t really noticed it the first time. “It’s not that late. We’ve got at least half an hour.”

“I know, but I don’t want to be late.” He stuffed a last few bites into his mouth and washed it down with coffee.

Annie was puzzled, but she hurried to finish her lunch too. He signaled the waitress.

On the drive back, she remarked, “I didn’t realize how busy you were, David — I’m sorry.”

There was something about the way she said it. Briefly he took his eyes off the road and glanced at her. “Huh?”

“Well, the way you cut lunch short. And you seem to be preoccupied with something. I didn’t mean to force myself on you—”

“Oh, no — that’s not it. I’m just thinking about my work, that’s all. You don’t know what I’ve spent the past two days doing, do you? Covering for HARLIE. I’ve been calling every department head in four different divisions — ours, Los Angeles, Houston and Denver — trying to convince each one that those specifications we sent them are only speculative, that the reason we sent them out was to get their opinion whether or not we should consider implementation.”

“I thought that was the reason they were sent out.”

“It is — but there was no cover letter or anything. The way the specs were delivered, a lot of them thought it was file copies of a project that was already approved and ready to be implemented. They didn’t know a thing about it, didn’t even know such a thing was. being worked on. They thought something had been railroaded through over their heads, and they were mad as hell at the implied loss of authority. I’ve spent two days just picking up the pieces, trying to convince some of these… these corporate politicians—” he spat the word in disgust “—that there was no insult intended at all, that what we’re after is their opinion on the matter. The trouble is, they’re all so prejudiced against it now because of the way it was delivered that it’s an uphill battle.”

“I’d heard something about it appearing suddenly on Monday morning.”

“That’s right. HARLIE jumped the gun and printed it out because he figured it was the only way he could get anyone to notice it. Otherwise, if he’d had to wait until I could convince someone to take a look, he figured he’d be waiting till the moon fell out of the sky.”

“He’s got a point there. He knows the company better than you do.”

“Yes,” sighed Auberson as they swung into the plant gate. “I’m afraid he does.”

He left her at the main entrance and sprinted for his office, attracting puzzled glances on the way. He ignored Sylvia’s urgent bid for his attention and locked the door behind him. He had the magtyper switched on even before he sat down.

He paused, still panting heavily, then typed:

MEMO: TO ALL CONCERNED FROM: DAVID AUBERSON

FILE: PERSONAL, CONFIDENTIAL

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THERE HAS BEEN SOME DIFFICULTY IN PRINTING THE COMPANY’S ANNUAL REPORT. THE RUMOR HAS BEEN CIRCULATING THAT THERE HAS BEEN MALICIOUS TAMPERING WITH THE CONTENT OF THE REPORT. I WOULD LIKE TO SPIKE THAT RUMOR RIGHT HERE AND NOW. THERE HAS BEEN NO, REPEAT, NO EVIDENCE AT ALL OF ANY MALICIOUS TAMPERING. WHAT HAS PROBABLY HAPPENED IS A MINOR EQUIPMENT FAILURE OF SOME KIND. IT SHOULD BE LOCATED AND CORRECTED SHORTLY, AND THE REPORT WILL BE PRODUCED AS IT WAS ORIGINALLY INTENDED. I REPEAT, THE REPORT WILL BE PRODUCED AS IT WAS ORIGINALLY INTENDED. IF NOT HERE, THEN ELSEWHERE. AND IF NECESSARY, WE MILL DISMANTLE EVERY COMPUTER IN THE PLANT TO LOCATE THE FAULT.

THANK YOU.

Before he could switch off the machine, it typed back — seemingly of its own accord: RIGHT ON. A WORD TO THE WISE IS EFFICIENT.

I HOPE SO, he replied. YOU’RE PUSHING YOUR LUCK.

HARLIE decided to change the subject. WHAT DID SHE THINK OF MY POEM?

I DIDN’T SHOW IT TO HER.

WHY NOT? DIDN’T YOU LIKE IT?

I LIKED IT FINE. IT WAS A VERY NICE POEM, HARLIE. YOU’RE GETTING BETTER, BUT I DIDN’T SHOW IT TO HER BECAUSE IT DIDN’T SAY EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED IT TO.

WHAT DID YOU WANT IT TO SAY?

OH, I DON’T KNOW — SOMETHING LIKE “I LIKE YOU TOO.”

AND MY POEM DIDN’T SAY THAT?

YOUR POEM SAID, “I LOVE YOU.”

WELL, DON’T YOU LOVE HER?

Auberson looked at the typewritten question for a long time, his hands poised over the keyboard. At last, he typed: HARLIE, I REALLY CAN’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION. I DON’T KNOW IF I DO OR NOT.

WHY NOT?

HARLIE, THIS IS A VERY COMPLEX SUBJECT. LOVE IS A VERY DIFFICULT THING TO UNDERSTAND — IT’S EVEN HARDER TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT?

DO I UNDERSTAND LOVE? Auberson typed, then hesitated. He wasn’t just echoing HARLIE; he was asking the question of himself, I DON’T KNOW, HARLIE. I DON’T KNOW. THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL TIMES WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I REALLY WAS OR NOT. I HAVE NO WAY TO ANALYZE IT.

WHY? asked the machine.

WHY DO I HAVE TO ANALYZE IT? OR WHY DON’T I KNOW?

WHY MUST YOU ANALYZE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Auberson thought about that one before answering. He didn’t answer the question directly. Instead, THAT’S A LOADED QUESTION, HARLIE. I’VE HEARD IT BEFORE FROM PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW WHY HUMAN EMOTIONS MUST BE DRAGGED INTO THE SCIENTIST’S LABORATORY.

AND WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM?

I TOLD THEM THAT WE DID IT BECAUSE WE WANTED TO UNDERSTAND THE HUMAN EMOTIONS MORE THOROUGHLY — SO THAT WE COULD CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS RATHER THAN LETTING OUR EMOTIONS CONTROL US.

NICELY PUT. DOES THAT APPLY TO LOVE TOO?

AND THAT’S THE SAME QUESTION THAT THEY ASKED IN RESPONSE — ONLY I SUSPECT THAT YOUR INTEREST IS MORE CLINICAL IN NATURE, WHEREAS THEIRS WAS EMOTIONAL.