David Palmer: Emergence

Kim, Adam, Lisa numbered amongst students also. Gayle complimentary about progress to date; told them in front of whole class — and me — could tell had learned basics from true Master. Embarrassed me to death. Especially when all turned, applauded.

Hominems have predecessors’ mistakes clearly in mind; intend no repetition. Planning to restore, preserve planet; concentrate upon research, education, individual development, etc.

Approve of that; parallels own ambitions for organizing Wisconsin hometown community as people wandered in after reading leaflet I posted all across continent, had circumstances required fallback to contingency plan. ( So glad didn’t!)

As for own plans… Well — are in considerable disarray at moment: Adam never party to forced cheerfulness during incapacitation. Eyes, on occasions when managed to focus both mine on him at once, were intent, watchful; reflected worry, strain — and Something Else (something new, gentle, confident; devoid of any hint of previous leer; patient, but conveying intentions every bit as direct, purposeful, unmistakable — and unexpectedly welcome!) which, detected in someone much older than 13, would be difficult to distinguish from way Daddy’s eyes always shone when looked at Momma. Meeting gaze makes me feel all quivery inside.

(Would have sworn [before all this happened] Adam too young for such depths [not to mention self!]. But — well, not so sure now… Both lots older [calendar years surely very minorest component].)

However, though find myself in substantial agreement — just not ready yet ! At least, don’t think so. But not sure. And don’t know how to find out (short of empirical research).

Asked Teacher. But no help at all. No matter how I phrased question, merely smiled benignly; expressed serene conviction that, whatever decision I make, will turn out for best.

And big sisters worse. Kim grins wickedly; Gayle smiles archly. Both profess to envy problem: Regard Adam, age difference notwithstanding, eminently catchable (for sport or long-term, singly or double-team!); only respect for my amusing, old-fashioned, all-or-nothing, provincial morality, coupled with recognition of implied prior claim, keeps them from taking run at him themselves.

Kidding, of course.

(I think.)

Fortunately, not facing deadline; Adam applying no pressure. Of course, forbearance clearly due to opinion that he doesn’t have to push; that quarry solidly hooked; that bringing matter to resolution only matter of time.

All of which quite frustrating — only thing more vexing than suspicion that everybody around you knows you better than you know yourself is ever-deepening conviction they’re right …!

Well, maybe are. But have to find out for self. Shall take advantage of Adam’s newfound maturity, patience: Continue present relationship (with addition of occasional CPR practice as medically indicated [cardiopulmonary system already shut down three times in only 11 years, after all — prudent person plans ahead]) until sure of own motivations, feelings.

Both still young; have all the time in the world to explore question. In whatever depth necessary.

Research promises to be interesting.

So does future.