Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'It is no laughing matter,' Rune said sternly. 'The man who possesses the Chronovision becomes, through its possession, the most powerful man on Earth.'

'I doubt very much whether such a device exists,' I said. 'It is the stuff of science fiction, like The Time Machine.'

'Mister Wells's Time Machine functioned well enough. And I should know – I helped him to construct it.'

'The last time you made a remark such as that, I told you that I was leaving,' I said. 'Would you care to hear me tell you this once more?'

'Allow me to explain.' Mr Rune raised his stout stick and I, out of politeness, allowed him to continue.

'The inventor of the Chronovision was Father Pellegrino Maria Ernetti,' said Mr Rune. 'He was a Benedictine monk, an expert in archaic Latin texts and Gregorian chants. A scant decade ago, he was working in the experimental physics laboratory at the Catholic University of Milan. You would be surprised if I told you about some of the experimentation that goes on there. Well, Father Ernetti was filtering harmonics out of certain Gregorian chants he had recorded when he heard the voice of his deceased father. He had somehow tuned to the frequency of the past. A great deal of further experimentation led him to the creation of the Chronovision, a device that, as I have said, resembles a television set, but upon which it is possible not only to hear events that occurred in the past, but witness them also. There is no mumbo-jumbo involved in this – it is science, it is physics.' 'It is c*bblers,' I remarked.

But Mr Rune continued, unperturbed. 'Father Ernetti demonstrated the Chronovision before Pope Pious the Twelfth. This is a fact; it is recorded in Vatican records. The Chronovision was tuned to the correct frequency and the Pope viewed the crucifixion of Christ upon the Chronovision's screen. He was amazed. But he soon became horrified.'

'I would have thought that he would have been chuffed,' I said, 'to know for certain that there had been a Jesus Christ, I mean. Not that I think I really believe in-'

'Silence,' said Mr Rune. 'The Pope was filled with horror because he understood the Chronovision's potential – what would happen should it fall into the wrong hands.'

'So what would happen? Surely if this were true, it would be the greatest scientific discovery of this or any other age. A Nobel Prize-winner for the scientific monk. To actually view the past, to see the events of history – every home should have a Chronovision, surely.'

'Absolutely not! The Pope understood the ramifications. Father Ernetti had tuned the Chronovision to the resonant frequency of the Pope; as a result of the succession of Popes, their lineage goes right back to Saint Peter, who walked with Christ, and who was present at the crucifixion. The image upon the screen was the one seen through the eyes of Saint Peter.' 'Yes,' I said, 'but I still do not see the problem.'

'The Chronovision can be tuned to anyone's personal frequency. We each have a unique resonance. If it was turned to your frequency, it could replay events that you witnessed and took part in three weeks ago.' 'Brilliant,' said I. 'Then I would know who I am.'

'Not brilliant,' said Mr Rune. 'If you can tune the frequency to the resonance of any individual on the planet, then you can see that person's past. That person can have no secrets from the man who tunes the Chronovision. Do you understand now?'

'Ah,' I said. 'You mean that should some dictator gain possession of it, he could uncover everything about the past of any individual on Earth. Any individual – is that correct?'

Mr Rune nodded. 'The Pope understood this and the terrible implications of it. He ordered the Chronovision dismantled, packed into boxes and placed under lock and key in the vaults of the Vatican, alongside the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail.'

'Easy now,' I said. 'But if this is all really true – and I do agree that there is something about it that almost has me believing you – then the Chronovision is safely stashed away and that is that.'

'Would that it were so.' Mr Rune tasted further port and shook his great head sadly.

'It was stolen,' said I, 'from the Vatican vaults – that is it, is it not?'

Mr Rune nodded grimly. 'More than a year ago. It would never have come to my attention – indeed, the Chronovision's existence would never have come to my attention – had not the Pope and I been out on the razz and he, having imbibed too freely as is his habit, spilled the entire business out to me.' ' You know the Pope?' I said. 'We are the greatest of friends.' 'This is ludicrous.' 'What? Do you think that the Pope has no friends?' 'I am not saying that, but I find it difficult to believe that you are one of them.' 'And why might this be?' I stared at Mr Rune.

And do you know what? For the very life of me, I could not think of a single reason as to why it might not be. 'You are a chum of the Pope's?' I said.

'Probably his bestest friend. It was me who suggested that he join the priesthood. He wanted to become a professional football player, but between the two of us, he had a weak left foot.'

I shook my head. 'So, hold on,' I said, 'are you presently being employed by the Pope to retrieve the Chronovision from whoever stole it?'

'Absolutely not. He did not recall in the morning that he'd told me anything about it. When I have located the Chronovision, I will destroy it. And then my work will be done.'

'Incredible,' I said. 'Ludicrous, but also incredible. But I fail to understand how finding a lost dog is going to help this noble cause of yours.'

'The dog is the tip of the iceberg, as I have told you, several times.' 'You told me, but I still fail to understand.'

'That map there, on the wall.' Mr Rune pointed. 'I have seen you peering at it many times. Have you fathomed it yet?'

'No,' I said. 'I have not. It appears to be a large-scale map of Brighton, but it has all kinds of figures drawn all over it, following the patterns made by the roads. A bat, a cat, a horse -I think.'

'And the head of a dog,' said Mr Rune, 'in the Hangleton area of Brighton. You will observe that the house we visited was in Tudor Close, in the very eye of the hound.' 'Oh,' I said. 'And that is significant, is it?'

'Most,' said Mr Rune. 'Entirely. This map is the means by which I will discover the Chronovision's location and achieve my goal – its recovery and destruction. If the Chronovision is the single most significant discovery of this century, then what is drawn upon that map must rank as number two.' 'So what is it?' I asked.

'It is my discovery, young Rizla. The figures you see traced on to that map are the Carriageway Constellations, the work of a Victorian magician who influenced the Brighton Borough Town-Planning Committee to lay out the roads and byways of Brighton to a particular pattern, one that would later be discovered by myself. There are twelve figures, you see. Each represents a case or conundrum that we together must solve in order to acquire the Chronovision. What you see before you on that map, young Rizla, is the Brighton Zodiac.' Mr Rune paused, awaiting applause. I raised my glass and said, 'Can I have another drink?'

All right. I was not impressed. Perhaps I should have been, but after the tale of the television set that enabled its viewer to witness scenes of the past, the Brighton Zodiac seemed a bit of a disappointment. And, you might think, hardly something upon which to end a chapter.

But then, this is my account of the events that occurred and if I feel that that is where the chapter should end, that is where the chapter will end! And in the light of events that were soon to occur, please be assured that I know what I am talking about. After all, I was there!' 'The Brighton Zodiac,' I said. 'Well, blow me down.'