Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

Tm sure you can do a lot of other things. Are you with the lady-boys of Bangkok?'

'Actually, I am in disguise,' I said, as I sipped at the new free pint that had been given to me. 'And yes, I am a chap, although so far you are the only person who has discovered this. And you did it while you were drunk. What gave me away? Is it the bosoms?'

'Nah,' and Tobes shook his head. His hair looked somewhat nitty. 'I just have a knack for that sort of thing. I can tell if people are telling the truth or not, and whether they are good or bad. I get feelings, you know what I mean?' 'Not really,' I said. 'Am I good or bad, by the way.'

Tobes stared me up and down once more. Mostly up, this time.

'Good,' said Tobes. 'But there's something odd, as if you don't know who you really are, or something.' And he applied himself to his pint.

'Remarkable,' I said. 'You should go on the stage, or something.' Tobes shrugged and raised his glass once more.

And as he did so, the shadow of his arm passed across a girl with long dark hair and long white legs, who leaned upon the bar, sipping a mineral water. Which she suddenly spat on the floor. 'Ow did that 'appen?' she went, and started to cough.

I patted her gently on the back – which you can do to a strange girl if you are a girl yourself. 'Are you ill?' I asked. 'Can I help?' 'I'm fine,' said the girl. 'It's just me water. It was water, then suddenly it wasn't. It tastes like wine now.' I took the glass from her hand and sniffed at it. And it certainly smelled like wine.

It smelled like that really expensive vintage Mulholland Chardonnay that Mr Rune had once ordered for us in a restaurant that we never went to again. I looked at the glass. And then I looked at Tobes.

'Oh my god!' I went. 'I mean, oh my God, sir. It is you, it is you.'

'It's me,' said Tobes and he raised his glass, but finding it empty, ordered another beer.

'I mean that it is you.' And I got a real shake on. 'Water into wine. Knowing good people from bad. Becoming sober in five minutes flat. You are The One – the One that Mister Rune seeks.' 'Rune?' said Tobes. 'Hugo Rune? I've read his book.'

'He was just here,' I said. And I really was a-tremble. 'But he left with… Oh no!'

'Do you mean Yoko Ono – John Lennon's bird?' asked Tobes.

'No,' I cried. 'It is that "oh no!" feeling you just had, that felt like someone walking over your grave. Mister Rune is in danger. Come with me, quickly.'

'I'll just finish this new beer,' said Tobes. 'Ah, that's better. So where do you want me to go?' 'To the fire exit,' I shouted. 'How exciting.' And Tobes stumbled after me.

'You are drunk again,' I said as I dragged him through the crowd.

'It's this Old Back-Masker,' slurred Tobes. 'I'm fine with wine. I can drink bottles and bottles. Must be something in the blood.'

We reached the fire exit and I pushed open the door. Beyond it was an iron staircase leading down to an alley.

'Mister Rune!' I shouted. 'Mister Rune, where are you?'

And then I heard it. A terrible sound. The terrible sound of a gunshot. I raced down the stairs with Tobes a-bumb-ling after me. And there ahead I saw him, sprawled in the dirt. And I saw the other man, too – the tall imposing figure, lounging on the bonnet of an evil-looking black car and smiling down at the body of Mr Rune, a smoking pistol in his hand. And then he reached to his head and drew off a full-face mask and threw it aside. And it was him, of that there was no doubt at all. The evil Count Otto Black.

'Go back inside, young woman,' he shouted. 'There's nothing for you to see here. Just disposing of some rubbish.' And he turned away and got into the car, which tore off at great speed.

'Oh no!' I cried. 'Oh no no no.' And I rushed to the body of Mr Hugo Rune, which was not easy in heels.

He lay flat upon his back, his stout stick at his side. I put my ear to that big chest of his, but Hugo Rune breathed not.

'Come on,' I said. 'Do not do this to me again.' And I shook at his leather lapels. 'I know you are faking it. Wake up now, this is not funny.'

Tobes peered over my shoulder and pointed with a grubby mitt. 'I think he's dead,' said Tobes to me. 'I really think he's dead.' 'He cannot be,' and I shook once more at the lapels. 'He can,' said Tobes. 'And he is.'

I looked up at Tobes and made a bitter face. 'How can you be sure?' I asked.

'Because I know these things,' said Tobes, sadly, 'just as I know good people from bad. But even if I didn't have a natural intuition for such things, I can't help feeling that the big gunshot hole in Mister Rune's forehead might just give it away. God, I'm pissed.'

And Tobes passed out and fell in a heap by the corpse of Hugo Rune.

I stared at the corpse of Hugo Rune, and the big bullet hole in his forehead. And I went, 'Wah!' and my hands flapped, and I span around in small circles. It was over. It was all over. He really was dead this time.

'Do something! Do something!' I stopped flapping and spinning. 'What can I do? What can I do?' I flapped some more and span some more. Then caught my head on something or other and fell on top of Tobes.

And, 'You!' I shouted. And struck at him. 'You do something! You can do something!'

'Oh!' went Tobes, returning to consciousness. 'Not here, love, let's go back to my place. Oh, it's you – get off me please.' 'You have to do something.' I scrambled up and gave Tobes a kick. 'You have to bring him back to life.' 'Do what? And stop kicking me.'

'Bring Mr Rune back from the dead.' I dragged Tobes to his feet. 'Go on, do it.' 'Have you gone completely insane?'

'No. You can do it. You can. You are Him, the One that Mister Rune sought, the last of your line. You have the powers.'

'Get off me,' said Tobes and he pushed me away. 'I'm really sorry about Mister Rune. I wanted to meet him -there are some things in his book that don't make a lot of sense to me – but I can't bring him back to life. Who do you think I am?' 'The last living descendant of Jesus Christ.' Tobes looked at me. And I looked at Tobes. 'Piss off!' said Tobes, which was not very Christ-like.

'You are,' I said. 'You turned that girlie's water into wine. You can do it. You must do it.'

'I can't and I won't. I have to return to the bar now – I have a real thirst on me.'

'Do it!' I said. 'Or I swear that you will never leave this alleyway alive.'

Now, looking back, that probably was not the best thing to say to the last man in the bloodline of Jesus.

'I know Dimac,' said Tobes, and he raised one of his hands and made foolish gestures.

'I know it, too,' I said. 'Mister Rune taught it to me.* Take one step towards the staircase and I will break your right hand off and ram it up your bum.'

'Couldn't we just talk about this?' said Tobes. 'Back at the bar?'

'Mister Rune is lying dead,' I said, 'and he will catch his death of cold if he lies there much longer. Bring him back to life and do it now.1 'I can't,' wailed Tobes and he wrung his hands.

'Then from this day forth the world will know you as stumpy. And I reached forward. And Tobes shrieked, 'No, all right. I'll try.' I stood there. In that alleyway. In the bitter cold. I hugged at my naked arms and my thigh-high-booted knees knocked together. Tobes knelt over the body of Mr Rune. 'Abracadabra,' he went. 'Come back to life. Shazam.' 'Do it properly.'

Tobes looked up at me with bitterness. 'And how is it done, properly? 'Lay your hands on him. Pray or something.' 'This is ridiculous.'

'Do it!' I made knuckle-clicking sounds. Which hurt my knuckles somewhat. Tobes laid his hands on the body of Mr Rune and prayed.

'Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep,' prayed Tobes. * Which he did. Although I have not mentioned it before. But I am mentioning it now.