Robert Rankin - The Brightonomicon

'It's an economic disaster!' cried Doctor Proctor. 'Prime up the lethal injection, Nurse.'

I struggled to rise, but found that I was strapped down to the hospital trolley (or gurney, as I believe they are called by our Stateside cousins). 'You b*st*rd!' I shouted. 'You bl**dy b*st*rd!'

'The fairy tongue,' said Doctor Proctor, holding down my head. 'I'll put that in my treatise.' 'You murdering maniac!' I shouted. 'Let me out of here!'

The van went over a speed bump or something and the doctor and nurse were thrown all about. I was not thrown about too much myself, because I was strapped down to the trolley (or gurney, or 'big-push-along-along-him-all-ouch' in the pidgin English of the Melanesian Cargo Cults).

'Careful up front, driver,' called Doctor Proctor. 'Nurse Hearse here nearly stuck a hypodermic needle in my nose.'

'Sorry, Doctor,' called the driver, whose name was Dominic Diver. 'Just ran over a Big Issue-seller – do you want me to reverse and bring him on board?'

'We have a bit of a situation back here at present,' Doctor Proctor replied. 'Best drive on, but carefully, now.'

I had been effing and blinding throughout all this, but as Doctor Proctor had his hand across my mouth, it was difficult to make my feelings fully felt.

'Nurse,' said the doctor, 'please stick this troublesome individual with your needle.'

'Oh no you don't!' I yelled. And I was finally able to get my teeth into the doctor's hand. Which caused him to howl in considerable pain.

And he dragged away his gory mitt and in doing so clouted the nurse. She tumbled back and I managed to get a hand free.

'Stick him!' shouted Doctor Proctor, spraying blood all over the place. 'You hit me!' cried Nurse Hearse. 'I'm not having that.' 'It was an accident, you stupid woman.' 'Oh, stupid woman, is it? You sexist pig.'

I was struggling with my straps. 'Stick him with your needle, Nurse,' was my suggestion. 'Stick him!' shouted the doctor.

And then the van took a sudden swerve and the two of them took another tumble.

'Careful, damn you!' the doctor screamed. 'I'm all in a heap here, you fool.'

'Sony!' Driver Diver called back, 'but some loony on a horse came out of nowhere.'

'Have you been drinking?' The doctor clawed himself to his feet, with Nurse Hearse clinging to his leg.

'I never drink on duty,' Driver Diver called back, 'although I did have some magic mushrooms for breakfast – these are the nineteen sixties, you know.' 'Just drive the van, or-'

I managed to get a decent punch in and the doctor went down once again. And I then took to struggling with the buckles on my leg straps.

And then, 'He's behind us!' bawled the driver. 'The loony on the horse, he's galloping after us.'

'I'm taking control here.' Nurse Hearse pulled herself to her feet. 'I'm a member of the Feminist Movement.'

'Bunch of lezzers,' mumbled the doctor. And Nurse Hearse kicked him, which I quite enjoyed.

'Faster!' Nurse Hearse told the driver. 'We can't be stopped by some mounted policeman.'

'He doesn't look like a policeman and… oh my God!' And Driver Diver put his foot down hard and the van gained considerable speed.

Doctor Proctor was back on his feet and now had me by the throat. I put up a spirited defence and punched him right in the nose. I had been hoping that the nurse would side with me, what with the doctor being such an odious dyed-in-the-wool misogynist and everything. But I suppose she was a dedicated nurse and she was evidently all for putting the interests of the NHS above any personal or political differences or disputes that she might have had with the doctor.

'Hold him still,' she told that man. 'I'll administer the injection.' 'You will get yours,' I told her, 'feminist or no feminist.'

Something struck the side of the van and it took to swerving once more.

'It's 'orrible!' shouted the driver. 'Or maybe it's the mushrooms.' 'All men are b*st*rds!' the nurse declared.

'She speaks the fairy tongue, too,' I said, hoping to inject a little humour into the situation. But failing miserably. Hey, a little sympathy, please – my life was at stake here.

And so I fought, and struggled and fought and the trolley (or gurney, or big-push-along-along-him-all-ouch, or the chromium-plated chariot of Ra, to those who have really given the magic mushrooms a hammering) fell over on to the doctor and the nurse, which at least let me get my legs free. And Crash! went something into the side of the van.

And, 'It's a Horseman of the Apocalypse!' went the driver, who really had given the mushrooms a hammering, and they were kicking in.

It was all rough and tumble in that van. I punched at the doctor and at the nurse. The doctor punched me and the nurse still had that hypo.

I was impressed by the way she had managed to hang on to it throughout all the to-ing and fro-ing. But not happy that she had. And there she was again, trying to stick me with it. I kicked her right in the ear.

But the doctor was up again and sitting on my chest, and the nurse was coming at me with the hypo again and 'Aaagh!' screamed Driver Diver. 'The Horseman is upon us. The Seventh Seal is open. The beast riseth up from the bottomless pit. It is Armageddon. We're all gonna die. I'm swearing off drugs in the future.' And the van overturned.

And me and the driver, the doctor and nurse went around and around and around. And of course it all seemed to happen in slow motion, just like it would in a film.

The rear doors burst open and into the sunlight myself and the doctor, the nurse, and the trolley (or gurney or it-is-too-hard-to-come-up-with-any-more-trolley-jokes-now) spewed forth in a great churning mass of much chaos.

And yes, yes, I saw it. I know that I did: Mr Hugo Rune, riding on the back of a centaur. All in slow motion. Just like in a film. And then fade out. And cut. And print. And fade up. And'I told you that Danbury's talks were always a riot,' said Mr Rune, 'but I do think he surpassed himself this time.' I was alive! I felt at myself.

'Please don't feel at yourself in my presence,' said Mr Rune. 'I hope Danbury's habits aren't rubbing off on you.'

'The centaur,' I managed to utter. 'And, oh, we are back in our rooms.'

'An exciting night for both of us, wasn't it? I thoroughly enjoyed the chase, reminded me of the time I rode with the Light Brigade at Sebastopol.' Mr Rune offered me alcohol. I took him up on the offer. 'A centaur,' I managed to utter once again.

'So you said. My hat, if I wore one – which I do upon certain occasions, although not state ones, as the Runes by Royal charter are granted the right to remain hatless in the presence of royalty – my hat, as I said, if I wore one, would be off to Mister Collins at this moment. You don't see a centaur every day of the week. This is the first that I have seen for more than three hundred years. It is coming together, young Rizla. We are upon the cusp here. Time, it seems, is presently in a malleable state.' 'I am confused,' I said to Mr Rune. 'I am very confused.'

'You must learn to expect the unexpected, young Rizla. We have added one more piece to the puzzle. One more badge sits upon your breast. Each episode brings us closer to our goal – to whit, the recovery of the Chronovision before Count Otto Black can lay his grimly nailed claws upon it. Much was learned by you last night, although you might not be aware of it. But it will all fit together for you in time. The manifestation of the centaur is only the beginning of what is to come. We can expect a lot more of such anomalous phenomena.' 'Where is the centaur now?' I asked. 'It depends on exactly what you mean by "now".' 'I know exactly what I mean by "now",' I said.

'Then it is no longer in this now. It is back in its own time, which although being the same "now" as this, is profoundly different, whilst being exactly the same. Did you not pay any attention at all to Danbury's lecture? I personally found it most instructive. As well as being a riot.'