Fredric Brown - It Didn't Happen

Although there was no way in which he could have known it, Lorenz Kane had been riding for a fall ever since the time he ran over the girl on the bicycle. The fall itself could have happened anywhere, any time; it happened to happen backstage at a burlesque theater on an evening in late September.

For the third evening within a week he had watched the act of Queenie Quinn, the show’s star stripper, an act well worth watching, indeed. Clad only in blue light and three tiny bits of strategically placed ribbon, Queenie, a tall blond built along the lines of a brick whatsit, had just completed her last stint for the evening and had vanished into the wings, when Kane made up his mind that a private viewing of Queenie’s act, in his bachelor apartment, not only would be more pleasurable than a public viewing but would indubitably lead to even greater pleasures. And since the finale number, in which Queenie, as the star, was not required to appear, was just starting, now would be the best time to talk to her with a view toward obtaining a private viewing.

He left the theater and strolled down the alley to the stage door entrance. A five-dollar bill got him past the doorman without difficulty and a minute later he had found and was knocking upon a dressing room door decorated with a gold star. A voice called out “Yeah?” He knew better than to try to push a proposition through a closed door and he knew his way around backstage well enough to know the one question that would cause her to assume that he was someone connected with show business who had a legitimate reason for wanting to see her. “Are you decent?” he asked.

“ ’Sta minute,” she called back, and then, in just a minute, “Okay.”

He entered and found her standing facing him, in a bright-red wrapper that beautifully set off her blue eyes and blond hair. He bowed and introduced himself, then began to explain the details of the proposition he wished to offer.

He was prepared for initial reluctance or even refusal and ready to become persuasive even, if necessary, to the extent of four figures, which would certainly be more than her weekly take—possibly more than her monthly take—in a burlesque house as small as this one. But instead of listening reasonably, she was suddenly screaming at him like a virago, which was insulting enough, but then she made the very serious mistake of taking a step forward and slapping him across the face. Hard. It hurt.

He lost his temper, retreated a step, took out his revolver and shot her in the heart.

Then he left the theater and took a taxi home to his apartment. He had a few drinks to soothe his understandably ruffled nerves and went to bed. He was sleeping soundly when, at a little after midnight, the police came and arrested him for murder. He couldn’t understand it.

Mortimer Mearson, who was possibly if not certainly the best criminal attorney in the city, returned to the clubhouse the next morning after an early round of golf and found waiting for him a message requesting him to call Judge Amanda Hayes at his earliest convenience. He called her at once.

“Good morning, Your Honoress,” he said. “Something gives?”

“Something gives, Morty. But if you’re free the rest of the morning and can drop around to my chambers, you’ll save me going into it over the telephone.”

“I’ll be with you within an hour,” he told her. And he was.

“Good morning again, Your Judgeship,” he said. “Now please take a deep breath and tell me just what it is that gives.”

“A case for you, if you want it. Succinctly, a man was arrested for murder last night. He refuses to make a statement, any statement, until he has consulted an attorney, and he doesn’t have one. Says he’s never been in any legal trouble before and doesn’t even know any attorneys. Asked the chief to recommend one, and the chief passes the buck to me on said recommendation.”

Mearson sighed. “Another free case. Well, I suppose it’s about time I took one again. Are you appointing me?”

“Down, boy,” said Judge Hayes. “Not a free case at all. The gentleman in question isn’t rich, but he’s reasonably well-heeled. A fairly well-known young man about town, bon vivant, what have you, well able to afford any fee you wish to charge him, within reason. Not that your fee will probably be within reason, but that’s between you and him, if he accepts you to represent him.”

“And does this paragon of virtue—most obviously innocent and maligned—have a name?”

“He does, and you will be familiar with it if you read the columnists. Lorenz Kane.”

“The name registers. Most obviously innocent. Uh—I didn’t see the morning papers. Whom is he alleged to have killed? And do you know any of the details?”

“It’s going to be a toughie, Morty boy,” the judge said. “I don’t think there’s a prayer of a chance for him other than an insanity plea. The victim was a Queenie Quinn—a stage name and no doubt a more valid one will come to light—who was a stripper at the Majestic. Star of the show there. A number of people saw Kane in the audience during her last number and saw him leave right after it during the final number. The doorman identifies him and admits having—ah—admitted him. The doorman knew him by sight and that’s what led the police to him. He passed the doorman again on his way out a few minutes later. Meanwhile several people heard a shot. And a few minutes after the end of the show, Miss Quinn was found dead, shot to death, in her dressing room.”

“Hmmm,” said Mearson. “Simple matter of his word against the doorman’s. Nothing to it. I’ll be able to prove that the doorman is not only a pathological liar but has a record longer than Wilt-the-Stilt’s arm.”

“Indubitably, Morty. But. In view of his relative prominence, the police took a search warrant as well as a warrant for arrest on suspicion of murder when they went to get him. They found, in the pocket of the suit he had been wearing, a thirty-two caliber revolver with one cartridge fired. Miss Quinn was killed by one bullet fired from a thirty-two caliber revolver. The very same revolver, according to the ballistics experts of our police department, who fired a sample bullet and used a comparison microscope on it and the bullet which killed Miss Quinn.”

“Hmmm and double hmm,” Mearson said. “And you say that Kane has made no statement whatsoever except to the effect that he will make no statement until he has consulted with an attorney of his choice?”

“True, except for one rather strange remark he made immediately after being awakened and accused. Both of the arresting officers heard it and agree on it, even to the exact wording. He said, ‘My God, she must have been real!’ What do you suppose he could possibly have meant by that?”

“I haven’t the faintest, Your Judgeship. But if he accepts me as his attorney, I shall most certainly ask him. Meanwhile, I don’t know whether to thank you for giving me a chance at the case or to cuss at you for handing me a very damned hot potato.”

“You like hot potatoes, Morty, and you know it. Especially since you’ll get your fee win or lose. I’ll save you from making wasted motions in one direction, though. No use trying for bail or for a habeas corpus writ. The D.A. jumped in with both feet the moment the ballistics report came up heads. The charge is formal, murder in the first. And the prosecution doesn’t need any more case than they have; they’re ready to go to trial as soon as they can pressure you into it. Well, what are you waiting for?”

“Nothing,” Mearson said. He left.

A guard brought Lorenz Kane to the consultation room and left him there with Mortimer Mearson. Mearson introduced himself and they shook hands. Kane, Mearson thought, looked quite calm, and definitely more puzzled than worried. He was a tall, moderately good-looking man in his late thirties, impeccably groomed despite a night in a cell. One got the idea that he was the type of man who would manage to appear impeccably groomed anywhere, any time, even a week after his bearers had deserted in midsafari nine hundred miles up the Congo, taking all his possessions with them.